im so so so tired.
studied in sch with lian, ps, terence, weizhong.
one by one. they succumbed to their heavy eyelids.
lian went home.
this sudden overwhelming desire to study overcame me.
so i finihsed my cheat sheet before i headed home.
reached home at 430.
tried my best to sleep.
the minutes ticked by.
all i could think off was random things.
what i had on the whole week.
what im gonna do for my bday.
what im gonna do for tomorrow.
den i heard my mom wake up.
think it was 6am.
my alarm went off at 630.
slacked for 5 mins when e second alarm went off.
woke up and came to sch.
with no sleep.
eyelids heavy.
fell asleep in class.
took the test.
went to nat library to do reserach for enviro sci.
now in library waiting for 9pm to arrive to conduct my focus group.
gosh. im so so so tired.
when u see me call me superwoman.
if im still alive.
OH! IM HAVING A BDAY CELEB ON 6DEC WITH MY SISTER!!! DETAILS WILL BE SENT OUT ON A LATER DATE!!! MARK THAT DAY DOWN!!! =)
Monday, October 23, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
so its a saturday.
its a public holiday.
public holidays are meant for resting, err.. right?
AND IM IN SCH. since 1015.
gosh. SMU students do have no life huh! haha.
MR project has been pissing the shit out of me. this stupid yr 4 guy in my group has amazingly had the power to piss me off as much as nitin has. FAT PIECE OF SHIT LARD. i seriously dun understand how his brain works. cause its incoherent and irrelevant. and seriously, if u cant work right, at least be a good looking guy. so u are pleasing to the eye. if u do not fufill the latter, den please be smart okay. thank u very much.
on that note. its been a good week. =)
i dyed my hair! now its brown with a purple sheen under the light. and red highlights in some places! i love it. but it would have been nicer if it was purple-er! hee! =) too bad my hair doesnt absorb properly! shing dont worry! it looks fine! =)
went shopping with jie and cousin for free yest! =) yup u heard me right! for free!!! cause my uncle spends alot on his credit cards every mth, so my cousin had hell alot of vouchers! so off we went! we spent 150+ and two hrs at topshop! and den at taka den zara! next up is urs and charles and keith for shoes! den more taka and metro i tink! =) i love my cousin and my aunt and my uncle! hee! =) it was dman fun! went back with one hair band and two tops! =) my sis one top and one hair band! my cousin went back with i think 7 or 8 tops! hahaa. cant wait for the next time! we cna buy more. we din let ourselves go enuff man!!! ahahhaa. =)
den headed to mg for the weekly fri thing. ate bak kut teh. and den watch this show called the green mile. its a freaking good show. stirs all the feelings buried within u. poignant. i teared. especially at the part where hal started talking bout his wife(miranda??) and how sickness has changed her. something stirred within me. the part where coffee talked about how painful it was to see the evils of everyday in the world. how people use love between people to kill. such a strong statement. and when that stupid guy called percy purposely din wet the sponge so that he could see dale die in a more horrible way den ever. and the love between hal and miranda. and the kindness coffee had for the people he didnt know. the helplessness he had when he cldnt save the two girls. the guilt paul had for sentencing coffee to death. and him having to face looking at all his loved ones die. is that fair??? i felt so much for the show. its a kind of show tt leaves u thinking alot. great show indeed. i wish there was a coffee ard. den again to have so much evil images going thro ur brain, maybe not.
after e show, played mahjong! =) and ordered macs breakfast! when breakfast arrived it was already 7am! at 730, forced myself to sleep a lil! and dragged myself out of bed after a few failed attempts at 930. and lugged my dreary body to sch for BP. and BP ended without me even using my brain. jon and shawn did everything.
will be going home for dinnre later! =) happy bday huang meixiao aka. tiao tiao! =)
the council's having a end of yr gathering! cant wait!!! eveyrone seems quite on!!! hee!
mich's bday celeb next week! met wings to get her presnt just now! hee hee! =)
meeting lily tf and yy soon too!
been haivng alot fo things on my mind. some mg stuff. some family stuff. here n there. so if i seeem a lil spacey, haha. ignore me yea?
thanks for all e love ppl! =)
its a public holiday.
public holidays are meant for resting, err.. right?
AND IM IN SCH. since 1015.
gosh. SMU students do have no life huh! haha.
MR project has been pissing the shit out of me. this stupid yr 4 guy in my group has amazingly had the power to piss me off as much as nitin has. FAT PIECE OF SHIT LARD. i seriously dun understand how his brain works. cause its incoherent and irrelevant. and seriously, if u cant work right, at least be a good looking guy. so u are pleasing to the eye. if u do not fufill the latter, den please be smart okay. thank u very much.
on that note. its been a good week. =)
i dyed my hair! now its brown with a purple sheen under the light. and red highlights in some places! i love it. but it would have been nicer if it was purple-er! hee! =) too bad my hair doesnt absorb properly! shing dont worry! it looks fine! =)
went shopping with jie and cousin for free yest! =) yup u heard me right! for free!!! cause my uncle spends alot on his credit cards every mth, so my cousin had hell alot of vouchers! so off we went! we spent 150+ and two hrs at topshop! and den at taka den zara! next up is urs and charles and keith for shoes! den more taka and metro i tink! =) i love my cousin and my aunt and my uncle! hee! =) it was dman fun! went back with one hair band and two tops! =) my sis one top and one hair band! my cousin went back with i think 7 or 8 tops! hahaa. cant wait for the next time! we cna buy more. we din let ourselves go enuff man!!! ahahhaa. =)
den headed to mg for the weekly fri thing. ate bak kut teh. and den watch this show called the green mile. its a freaking good show. stirs all the feelings buried within u. poignant. i teared. especially at the part where hal started talking bout his wife(miranda??) and how sickness has changed her. something stirred within me. the part where coffee talked about how painful it was to see the evils of everyday in the world. how people use love between people to kill. such a strong statement. and when that stupid guy called percy purposely din wet the sponge so that he could see dale die in a more horrible way den ever. and the love between hal and miranda. and the kindness coffee had for the people he didnt know. the helplessness he had when he cldnt save the two girls. the guilt paul had for sentencing coffee to death. and him having to face looking at all his loved ones die. is that fair??? i felt so much for the show. its a kind of show tt leaves u thinking alot. great show indeed. i wish there was a coffee ard. den again to have so much evil images going thro ur brain, maybe not.
after e show, played mahjong! =) and ordered macs breakfast! when breakfast arrived it was already 7am! at 730, forced myself to sleep a lil! and dragged myself out of bed after a few failed attempts at 930. and lugged my dreary body to sch for BP. and BP ended without me even using my brain. jon and shawn did everything.
will be going home for dinnre later! =) happy bday huang meixiao aka. tiao tiao! =)
the council's having a end of yr gathering! cant wait!!! eveyrone seems quite on!!! hee!
mich's bday celeb next week! met wings to get her presnt just now! hee hee! =)
meeting lily tf and yy soon too!
been haivng alot fo things on my mind. some mg stuff. some family stuff. here n there. so if i seeem a lil spacey, haha. ignore me yea?
thanks for all e love ppl! =)
Monday, October 16, 2006
cough cough
why is the temple in front of my house burning mountains of incense paper when the haze is bad enough already?
someone enlighten me and tell me why are they burning please??? i dun recall october having any special days for whatever deities and so on.
really. dont the temple ppl realize that 1. the haze is at unhealthy level. 2. they are right smack in the middle of about a million hdb flats. affecting tons of people with the smoke. and these people are all at home cause its 10pm.
really.
someone enlighten me and tell me why are they burning please??? i dun recall october having any special days for whatever deities and so on.
really. dont the temple ppl realize that 1. the haze is at unhealthy level. 2. they are right smack in the middle of about a million hdb flats. affecting tons of people with the smoke. and these people are all at home cause its 10pm.
really.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
fuck life.
haven been blogging for ages. and have been wanting to find time to blog about the things happening in my life. for all my dear friends and the times i spent with them.
hate this blogskin. its too happy. shing shing help me change it when u have time k!
why am i blogging.
i kinda hate myself for having the chance and the liberty to enjoy my life so much. to meet all my friends. my sec sch friends, my jc friends, my uni friends, my outside friends, my mg friends. so many. i get to eat the good food outside. i get to watch cool movies. i get to wear nice pretty clothes. i get to wear funky necklaces. i get to do everything. everything.
i used to believe in God. like his existance. but i kinda hate it all now. whats the point of having an almighty one. isnt he like supposed to balance the whole world. give the nice people their perks and punish e evil ones. did he like overlook something?
yaya i know im just ranting. yaya i know there are probably one hundred million people in this world that are suffering in a far worse more situation. but seriously so what? i dun give a damn. screw the world and all its niceties. whats the point.
visited my aunty during dinner today. we shifted dinner to her house so she can cut down on the working. cause of the fucking haze, my uncle got her a oxygen tank. fuck u indonesians understand. fuck u. burn ur fucking trees. i hope u get burnt too.
looking at her frail body try to climb the flight of stairs just pierced my heart so deeply it could have bled to death. there were two mere flights of stairs. and she had to rest before attempting each flight.
the whole family saw her resting. besides my part of the family, i think everyone knows she has to rest before walking each flight. i could feel the pain rip through each and everyone's hearts at the dining table as we looked at her stagger up the stairs. but knowing my fmaily, a typical chinese one, i think nobody knew what to do. whether to help cause my aunt is a person full of pride. or just let her walk.
i cldnt take it and i ran towards her offering my shoulder and my palm, gripping her right shoulder at the same time. she gripped my left hand. the sheer limpness of her hand scared me. her body was so soft. and as i gripped her and guided her to her room, i cld feel that she tried to pick up her pace. was it cause she cldnt wait to get to her bed? or was it just cause she din wan me to tink she was that weak. this huge lump in my throat threated to burst at the suppression of my emotions. this was all coming from an aunt that found out she had a cancer relapse one day before we her family was going for a trip in Shanghai. and she still went along. her sheer feisty-ness.
she den sat down on the side of her bed and started re-arranging the oxygen tubes. as she told me to close her binds for her and replace her cup with more water, the tears felt like they were going to spill any time now. her voice was so weak and filled with breathlessness. i took her cup and i told her to have a good rest.
as i walked down the staircase i realized half my family was lookin at me. everyone jus started asking me what she was doing upstairs. what am i doing with her cup. does she want water or some other drink. what kinda water. is she using her oxygen. and this all broke my heart. it occurred to me how everyone wanted to help her. wanted to make her feel more comfy. wanted to do their part. but they didnt know how to. they were all scared. all scared of losing her. all scared of being face to face with her frail body. all scared of realizing how she has weakened. all scared of facing the fact that she really might have to go.
as the night passed i saw my grandma walk up to her room once. i duno whether anyone noticed. but right after she came down, she just had the urge to scold my cousins for nothing. den she just decided to go home(which is just opposite). it somehow exuded helplessness in its raw form. i somehow felt that she wanted to get away from it all. and we reached home to see my granny sitting pensively at the swing in her house. it seemed like she had so much in her mind, staring into her garden. i wonder what was going thro her mind.
was discussing one of my cousin's upcoming bday and she just announced that she doesnt want to celebrate it. cause her mom is sick. we cant really go out cause shes so tired. and she doesnt want her mom to tire herself. my heart lurched despite the happy bantering all of us were sharing while discussing her bday. den eveyrone volunteeered their ideas for a party tt somehow we would clean up. and it came to me, what everyone felt they cld do was just to make their children happier. letting my other cousin make horrific sushi for dinner. entertaining the little one. just making their lives a lil more exciting then the bleak condition of their mom.
i want to bring my whole family out to eat the good food ive eaten. like the crab bee hoon. everything i have tried in this world. i want them to try too. but i cant. she cant. im so sure all of dem will enjoy the crabs so much. den my other aunt told me she eats really little nowadays and supposedly she pukes it all out.
i want to take care of all my aunts. give them the best. likewise my parents. when they grow old and retire, i will take care of dem. bring them out for meals. likewise my parents. its not that its an obligation i have to take on because they are unmarried. its an obligation im glad i have and im proud to take it on.
all im doing is just pure rants. it might be because im fucking unwell now and yet i have to force myself to wake up and do this fucking report due on monday. it occurs to me if im feeling so weak. what bout my aunt. she feels like this 24-7. and yet she knows somehow the light at the end of the dark gloomy tunnel seems a bit too far for reach. she hates herself for having this because she has to depend on everyone ard her. she cant fetch her daughters and scold dem and teach dem and bake like last time. she cant even entertain and laugh at her silly nieces and nephews. she cant. she has to bear the thought of leaving her husband, her beloved children and the rest of us ard. basically dare i even say that shes just living each day to wait for the last.
i know people die. and life sucks. and shit happens. people can tell me at least shes had a pretty good life. at least she has the money to ensure she gets some treatment. at least this at least that. but for once i dun fucking care. i would do anything to ensure she lives. to prolong her life. even to the extent if i can exchange mine for hers.
as this whole post is typed out in my incoherent state of organisation. tears cant help but flow endlessly. maybe its juts my fucking flu. alls left in this dark night is me my laptop and the tissue moat surrounding me. i wonder how my aunt is doing at this moment. probably grappling to take in one more breath. probably.
lifes just not fair. so screw all of u who complain about ur parents. who complain they are this and that. they dun let u do what u want. they dont understand u. they dont give u this they dont give u that. and those who tell me who stupid bimbotic himbotic inconsequential stupid material goods dont satisfy u enough. FUCK U UNDERSTAND. unless u prefer them dead and u mean that whole fucking statement. dont come and talk to me about that. ur parents love u. its time for u to start loving them.
and on that. ya i know i sound incredibly upset and incredibly unstable. you're right i am. but ill be fine. i always am. so unless u really need to know how im feeling or u cant wait to see me cry uncontrollably in front of you, do not probe me incessantly about her.
at least God, for all the unfairness u have caused me and my family, i know i suck for accusing u like this. i rem that i wasnt supposed to. let me know somehow what i can do for her. dont just let her sleep her days away.
Bless her. may her sleep be more restful den mine.
i love you.
hate this blogskin. its too happy. shing shing help me change it when u have time k!
why am i blogging.
i kinda hate myself for having the chance and the liberty to enjoy my life so much. to meet all my friends. my sec sch friends, my jc friends, my uni friends, my outside friends, my mg friends. so many. i get to eat the good food outside. i get to watch cool movies. i get to wear nice pretty clothes. i get to wear funky necklaces. i get to do everything. everything.
i used to believe in God. like his existance. but i kinda hate it all now. whats the point of having an almighty one. isnt he like supposed to balance the whole world. give the nice people their perks and punish e evil ones. did he like overlook something?
yaya i know im just ranting. yaya i know there are probably one hundred million people in this world that are suffering in a far worse more situation. but seriously so what? i dun give a damn. screw the world and all its niceties. whats the point.
visited my aunty during dinner today. we shifted dinner to her house so she can cut down on the working. cause of the fucking haze, my uncle got her a oxygen tank. fuck u indonesians understand. fuck u. burn ur fucking trees. i hope u get burnt too.
looking at her frail body try to climb the flight of stairs just pierced my heart so deeply it could have bled to death. there were two mere flights of stairs. and she had to rest before attempting each flight.
the whole family saw her resting. besides my part of the family, i think everyone knows she has to rest before walking each flight. i could feel the pain rip through each and everyone's hearts at the dining table as we looked at her stagger up the stairs. but knowing my fmaily, a typical chinese one, i think nobody knew what to do. whether to help cause my aunt is a person full of pride. or just let her walk.
i cldnt take it and i ran towards her offering my shoulder and my palm, gripping her right shoulder at the same time. she gripped my left hand. the sheer limpness of her hand scared me. her body was so soft. and as i gripped her and guided her to her room, i cld feel that she tried to pick up her pace. was it cause she cldnt wait to get to her bed? or was it just cause she din wan me to tink she was that weak. this huge lump in my throat threated to burst at the suppression of my emotions. this was all coming from an aunt that found out she had a cancer relapse one day before we her family was going for a trip in Shanghai. and she still went along. her sheer feisty-ness.
she den sat down on the side of her bed and started re-arranging the oxygen tubes. as she told me to close her binds for her and replace her cup with more water, the tears felt like they were going to spill any time now. her voice was so weak and filled with breathlessness. i took her cup and i told her to have a good rest.
as i walked down the staircase i realized half my family was lookin at me. everyone jus started asking me what she was doing upstairs. what am i doing with her cup. does she want water or some other drink. what kinda water. is she using her oxygen. and this all broke my heart. it occurred to me how everyone wanted to help her. wanted to make her feel more comfy. wanted to do their part. but they didnt know how to. they were all scared. all scared of losing her. all scared of being face to face with her frail body. all scared of realizing how she has weakened. all scared of facing the fact that she really might have to go.
as the night passed i saw my grandma walk up to her room once. i duno whether anyone noticed. but right after she came down, she just had the urge to scold my cousins for nothing. den she just decided to go home(which is just opposite). it somehow exuded helplessness in its raw form. i somehow felt that she wanted to get away from it all. and we reached home to see my granny sitting pensively at the swing in her house. it seemed like she had so much in her mind, staring into her garden. i wonder what was going thro her mind.
was discussing one of my cousin's upcoming bday and she just announced that she doesnt want to celebrate it. cause her mom is sick. we cant really go out cause shes so tired. and she doesnt want her mom to tire herself. my heart lurched despite the happy bantering all of us were sharing while discussing her bday. den eveyrone volunteeered their ideas for a party tt somehow we would clean up. and it came to me, what everyone felt they cld do was just to make their children happier. letting my other cousin make horrific sushi for dinner. entertaining the little one. just making their lives a lil more exciting then the bleak condition of their mom.
i want to bring my whole family out to eat the good food ive eaten. like the crab bee hoon. everything i have tried in this world. i want them to try too. but i cant. she cant. im so sure all of dem will enjoy the crabs so much. den my other aunt told me she eats really little nowadays and supposedly she pukes it all out.
i want to take care of all my aunts. give them the best. likewise my parents. when they grow old and retire, i will take care of dem. bring them out for meals. likewise my parents. its not that its an obligation i have to take on because they are unmarried. its an obligation im glad i have and im proud to take it on.
all im doing is just pure rants. it might be because im fucking unwell now and yet i have to force myself to wake up and do this fucking report due on monday. it occurs to me if im feeling so weak. what bout my aunt. she feels like this 24-7. and yet she knows somehow the light at the end of the dark gloomy tunnel seems a bit too far for reach. she hates herself for having this because she has to depend on everyone ard her. she cant fetch her daughters and scold dem and teach dem and bake like last time. she cant even entertain and laugh at her silly nieces and nephews. she cant. she has to bear the thought of leaving her husband, her beloved children and the rest of us ard. basically dare i even say that shes just living each day to wait for the last.
i know people die. and life sucks. and shit happens. people can tell me at least shes had a pretty good life. at least she has the money to ensure she gets some treatment. at least this at least that. but for once i dun fucking care. i would do anything to ensure she lives. to prolong her life. even to the extent if i can exchange mine for hers.
as this whole post is typed out in my incoherent state of organisation. tears cant help but flow endlessly. maybe its juts my fucking flu. alls left in this dark night is me my laptop and the tissue moat surrounding me. i wonder how my aunt is doing at this moment. probably grappling to take in one more breath. probably.
lifes just not fair. so screw all of u who complain about ur parents. who complain they are this and that. they dun let u do what u want. they dont understand u. they dont give u this they dont give u that. and those who tell me who stupid bimbotic himbotic inconsequential stupid material goods dont satisfy u enough. FUCK U UNDERSTAND. unless u prefer them dead and u mean that whole fucking statement. dont come and talk to me about that. ur parents love u. its time for u to start loving them.
and on that. ya i know i sound incredibly upset and incredibly unstable. you're right i am. but ill be fine. i always am. so unless u really need to know how im feeling or u cant wait to see me cry uncontrollably in front of you, do not probe me incessantly about her.
at least God, for all the unfairness u have caused me and my family, i know i suck for accusing u like this. i rem that i wasnt supposed to. let me know somehow what i can do for her. dont just let her sleep her days away.
Bless her. may her sleep be more restful den mine.
i love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
