retail therapy

wanted to blog cause i just spent ALOT of money! have been wanting to get a new pair of jeans since forever and i just spent 120 dollars shopppingggg. dead dead dead. all my dear friends, please prevent me from shopping for the nxt few weeks!

and internship and resume/cover letter writing is pissing me offff!!!!!!! raghhhh

that said year 3 is coming to a close.. with only one debate and one presentation and one report to go and of coz my papers. sigh.

byee!

wooooooooo

its time to blog again! at such a busy time called week 12, this sem im actually feeling quite comfy! im just left with strategy report, t and d presentation, t and d report and gene cell presentation. and of cos the ethics take home and my 2 final papers! i feel good! =)



did i mention that i LURRRVVEEE my number two key! muacks number two! u feel good! =)



anyway im feelin good today! cause i met up with my darling lily flower. its been a reallllyyyy long time since i had some girlyyy love. its not like i have no girlfriends in smu la. theres lian lynn peish chloe and sue. but its a little different. cause lily is LILY. haha. i met up with her on tues, had some sakae, shopped a lil, had coffee. all so simple, but so different if i had done it with other people. den i met her again today. impromptu. we went shopping a lil and walked a lot! i love my baobei!even thou i met her for about er.. two hrs odd only. it felt good! i love lily. love love love lily. hahaha. shes my diaper cause shes my BAO BEI. hahaha. ok enuff. so disgusting. hahaha. a photo of us to let u all have a pictorial image of how my diaper looks like!

















this post is gonna bee relaly random cause i know i haven blogged much bout random things. and for the people who have emailed or smsed or are worrying bout me. thanks. =) but im good. im coping well. =) soo what have i done for this whollleee timee.


first things first, for the ppl not from SMU or haaven seen me in ten years! i snipped my hair off. haha. dun tink i have any photos of it thou. but i snipped it like in jan?? and today i snipped it again. i like it. hahaha. OH OH OH i rem i have photos! when jon lynn lian and me went to malacca for gene cell. but i lazy. mayb later. haha.


OHH and i must blog bout this. MY ULTIMATE SWAYNESS. with a silver lining! haha. last thurs during t and d presentation, while i was presenting my part, my laptop CRASHED. and u know what?? because this presentation is not graded i din really memorize my stuff. so i was referring to my lappie alot while presenting and it crashed in e middle of the presentation. but THATS OK. since its not really graded and i was calm enuff to finish my part. and MY PART WAS ALL THEORY. treacherous. den i had to redo my strategy presentation speech which was in 2 hrs. cause it as all in my laptop. i wrote it in paper and pencil la. and thats not the worse.

i went for strategy class and decided to try and see whether my laptop was revived. and while plugging the charger into the plug, there was a "thcck" sound and i smelled smoke. i was like DAMN LA! now my adapter is spoiled! and i short circuited the plug. den lian two seats down looked at me and said, "i think u short-circuited the whole row. oh. no i think this whole section" i was like WTF! and true enuff our whole section, the whole half of the sr, people were checking their laptops, the plugs beneath, and i saw a few black screens. i was like F F F F. den we realized people opposite were all doin the same thing. and that was when i realized I, ZHANG MINSI, SHORT CIRCUITED THE WHOLE SR OF ABOUT 40 PPL. i seriously felt like dying. i bet there were people who din put their battery in and their stuff would be unsaved. (!!!) i felt so bad. and was all prepared to go find the security guard during break when just b4 break the security guard peeked in and said "this sr short circuit ah?" and prof obviously din know cuase his was working fine said NO i think its fine. and i knew i had to do something because nobody in class wanted to say anything. so me brave me held me hand up and said " yes its short circuited. im so sorry but i plugged in my charger and i think i short circuited the whoole sr. im so sorry if u all din save anything. im so so so so sorry." i said that in a span of 5 secs. lian and jon said i looked like i was going to cry. haha. but it was so blardi paiseh. the whole class of 40, whom i duno very well, cause its strategy class, a biz core, ORHHHHEEEDDD me. i felt so shitty and apologized like siao. and prof had to stand up and say" ohhhh and ur name is minsi" wah like shit. and imagine after all this, i still had to do my presentation. "hi im minsi the beautiful girl that short circuited the sr, and im presenting the part on starbucks and their CSR policy." hahaha. such a bad day man. jon even said he din want to stand near me cause a car might appear and bang me. but the good thing was i finally bought my lappie down to cit. now i have a new keyboard with a beautiful number 22222222 KEY and a new battery that lastst me for 3 hrs, as compared to the previous 20 mins!!! thanks to sue sue sim! =)


anyway. am suddenly quite lazy. haha. shall blog some other time when i lke it! dont curse me! haha. but ya lifes been pretty much the same with only minor changes cause i think more or less i have decided that i shld just do things that i wan and i feel like doing. no more obligations. tmr morning meeting jon and lynn to take photos for tandd! shd be quite fun! den home for dinner and need to compile t and d report, do t and d work and strategy. sounds like loads of work, but trust me, its actually bettter den what most ppl are having. haha.

i do miss alot of ppl that i haven been seeing alot. like my lil cousins and bra yi qy and humgu. msut seem dem soon!


oh and can i see my eye candy more please? thank u!

=)

my last goodbye

even as i start to write this post, tears start to well up in my eyes. its not the pouring rain outside. its my heart. decided to write this post because i wanted to rem this forever. everytime i decide against doing something, i want to rem that i never want to regret not doing something.

for people who know and people who dont, my aunt passed away on the 14th of February, a day where people all over the world celebrate love. i mourned the loss of one.

i still rem the moment when i received the call. i was in Strategy meeting with my strat group in gsr 3.14, laughing and giggling at some random thing. den my phone rang, a glance told me it was my brother. i picked it up, wondering what was wrong. mayb he wanted to send me to the hospital cause i told him i was going after my proj meeting. den he told me shushu called and said she was in a bad condition. i rem telling him i would make my way down. but when i hanged up, my mind was blank. i was in such a daze. i didnt know what to do. it was like there was a voice inside me telling me QUICK MOVE UR ASS. but my body, my hands, my legs, proceeded to do the opposite. i even continued with the meeting. until lian asked me if i had to go. i replied yes and in a flurry i packed up and left.

on the cab ride there. everything seem monotonously slow. it was like everything was surreal. i felt so un real. the moment i stepped into the all-too-familiar room 758, i saw my aunt and my uncle, tearing. tears came as i stood speechless in front of her. how cld her condition be so bad in such a short time. she was still fine yesterday. she talked to me yesterday. i told her to exercise yesterday! she looked so so so weak. she looked so so helpless. she looked so frail. i remember how my uncle told her meimeis here. u must wake up and see her. i remember how she din react. she din move. i remember how i gently wiped away the tear formin t the corner of her eye. happy that she was reacting. sad that she was sad.

i still rem for about 10 mins, she seemed to be able to see us again, as she stared into the lights above and tried to say something. and she blacked out again. how blardi fucking helpless she seemed for that 10 mins.

i rem when zhong mei shushu came in and started saying some chants, telling her to leave peacefully, how my heart ached so bad. how my cousins cried because tey tot this evil man was forcing their mom to leave. how they scolded their father for allowing their mom to leave. how i slowly saw each and every single one of my stoic family tear and break down one by one.

as we took care of her throughout the night, sponging her continuously because her fever was so high. how i smoothed her forehead and marvelled at its shine. held her hand and spoke to her cause the nurses repeated that she cld still hear. how i kept reassuring her to have a good rest. tell her to wake up. tell her to talk to me. tell her that u will be ok. and i remember the tear at the side of her eye every so often.

last of all, i remember my two hours alone with her. i remember sponging her. dabbing her hands with the water. i remember smoothing her sparse hair. i remember how i saw the bloody mess in her mouth cause of all the ulcers she had. and i remember how when the nurse sucked it all out using the suction she had no response even thou she used to say it was very painful when they did it. i remember sponging her body and realizing how thin she had become. i remember looking at how dry her skin was. and last, i remember at that point, i realized that she had undergone so much pain and suffering and all i wanted was her to be away from it all. i remember holding her hand, singing random chinese songs to her between my tears and telling her to go peacefully because i know shes in so much pain. i remember telling her over and over again how we wld take care of the things that she was always worrying about. i remember holding her hand to my face and telling her to go because its too painful for her. i remember crying and telling her to go cause she had held on for so long and i know she is in so much pain and all i want is her to be relieved. i remember singing and singing to her so that she would feel more relaxed.

i remember how uncle came out and told us i think shes gonna go. i remember rushing in looking at the stupid monitor signaling her pulse rate to be zero. i remember thinking it cant be real because that stupid sensor always breaks down cause the sensor is not placed properly. i remember seeing my grandma cry. i remember looking at her face, thinking she looks exactly the same. she cant be dead. not for just the two hrs i wasnt by her side. i remember crying uncontrollably while the nurse came in saying they have to double check to see whether she really had gone. i remember the curtian closing and me wishing that the pulse machine would come back. i remember the curtain opening and how they slowly pushed out all the machines that she had been depending on. i remember how i looked at her body and realizing how peaceful she looked then.

i remember how i had to call my aunt who left for a few hrs to attend to work. i remember how i had to call my father. i remember how i had to msg my sister. i remember how i had to help my grandmother out. i remember how my cousins arrived, not really knowing what had happened. i remember how they slowly walked to her side, realizing that the machines were all gone, and how they started wailing in front of her. i remember how my uncle stared at her body and started crying. the first ever time he did. i remember how the doctor came and shook my hand. i remember how my aunty told me it feels weird cause now i have one lesser sister. i remember how each and every one of my family broke down. even the males. one by one. i remember scolding the heavens above that they were bloody unfair cause my aunt was such a nice person. so were we. and how none of my wishes came true. how every single wish since she has a relapse i wished for was for her to get well din come true. i rememebered how even my for twenty first, i was afraid that wishing for too many things would prove to be insincere to the Gods and i wished for only one wish when i blew out the candle and that was for you to be well. and how no one ever granted me my one and only wish.

i remember how i stood by her body, praying silently that she had gone to a better place. i remember smoothing her head for the one last time, knowing that was the one last time i could feel her skin against my hand. i remember looking at her face, realizing that she always looked like that when she slept, and hoping that she would wake up and jolt awake like she always did. i remember how she would always talk to us mouthing her words like this past month because she could not talk properly. i remember packing up the marker that she wrote with. the pink marker that i had bought for PMC but never really gotta use it.

i remember the cynical laugh i had at the back of my mind, like its valentines today! for Gods sake. i remember when we reached the funeral parlor, how everything seemed so dark. i remember how when my cousin clutched my hand so tightly when her coffin was carried out. i remember how she cried into my arms saying that shes afraid to see her moms dead body. i remember how chilling the wind felt. i remember how i covered 3 of my cousins with jackets because their hands all felt so icy cold. i remember holding her hand and telling her that her mom will look fine, and beautiful cause if the clothes they chose for her. and how her mom is finally out of her suffering and she must let her mom go. i remember comforting her shivering body and wiping away the tears from her eyes, telling her that her mom is now in a better place. i remember how i took my cousins hands and bought them to the toilet to change. i remember how forlornly they looked at me when they asked me whether i was going to come back and stay with them at the parlor.

i remember how for the next few days, we tried so hard to buy rock melon for prayers cause she loved it. i remember how every single time my cousin went to the toilet, she asked me to accompany her. i remeber how my uncle told a relative that she once told him, i wish i would never wake up cause waking up and feeling the pain is too painful.

i remember how at the last day, i looked at her body for the last time. i knew it was gonna be e last time before she got cremated. the smile/smirk she always gave us when she chided us. the wig that she made and how she wanted to make another one. those gentle eyes. i remember every moment. i remember how as we went thro the last rites, i realized this was really gonna be the last time i cld see her in a piece. i remember how i said my prayers to her, promising her i would keep all my promises and how she had to go to a better place. i remember when the men closed her coffin, my heart lurched and tears din seem to stop. i remember how my brother passed all of us a packet of tissue and hold on to it.

i remember how the reunion dinner later reminded me every so often bout how this year we din have her anymore. especialy when i counted the amt of bowls and chopsticks i had to put there. that it was no longer 6 + 5 + 4 + 1 but now 5 + 5 + 4 + 1. i remember how she always sat at the side of the table with vegetables cause her diet was supposed to be less meat. and she always stole the meat from our side of the table while we chided her and threatened to tel her husband. i remember how when we watched the show zodiac i remembered we used to have two dogs in the house. nw theres only one. i remember how she was the one who gave me e red packet every year but this year it wasnt anymore.

i remember how when we went back to pick her ashes, all was left was a plastic tupperware and bones and ashes. i remember how my cousin asked me again whether we would go with them. i remeber how they asked me whether we would stay in their house on the seventh day cause they said she would return right. i remember how my cousin said she was very scared that her mom would come back and how i held her hand and reassured her that her mom would come back cause she misses u all so much and that if u do see her. u must not be scared cause she loves u alot.

Part of why i feel so sad is because i have this deep hatred for myself. for myself not spending enuff time. when this indian nurse there told me she remembered my aunt crying herself to sleep when she was warded in a few mths ago. i almos wanted to kill myself for not knowing that. for not spending more time with her. for not relieving her of her pain. for not letting her know that i love her so damn bloody much. i hate myslf for everything i did not do. i hate the thought of her feeling all alone. i hate the tot of her suffering from pain. i hate the tot of her wishing she would never wake up when she fell asleep cause she was feeling so tortured. i hate the tot of how she felt she had burdened all of us and her daughters. i hate that i didnt help her. i hate myself. i hate knowing how much she loved us but how we did not let her feel that she was loved as much. i hate it. i regret it. how i would have changed everything if i had known. if i had known.

i know now shes in a better place. and im happy for that. i hope i can be ur niece too in the next life. and i promise you i will keep my promise. i promise. thanks for everything u had bought into my life. urself. and all ur daughters. i will never be able to replace u in any way. but ill try my best. look at them grow up. tell u how they have grown up. bring them to buy clothes. look at them go to poly uni. look at them get boyfriends and look at them grow up to the girls that u always wanted them to be.

thank u for making me realize too how impt every single person in this family is to me. and how ill treasure everyone more so that ill have no more regrets. i promise that ill make everyone in this family happy again. as i look at my desktop every time i turn my computer on, i see all the smiling faces, including urs. how when i see ur face, ur smile, i wish i could make u smile again. i want to make this family happy again.

thank u er gu gu. i love u. u must go to a better place ok. where theres no more pain but just blue skies white clouds and rainbows. where we will see each other again.

in more than one way. ill never get over losing u. ill always remember this pain, esp on valentines each year. ill always wan to see ur face peeking over at me like at my desktop. i miss u. so very much.

i love u. rest in peace.

its not e same anymore.

things have changed. of cos they have. i guess i cant expect myself to remain the same right. so ya its right. eveyrtime i think of the so-called obligations i used to have. im reminded that its time to make decision according to what i really want. so ya. no more excessive accomodating to this and that. doing this and that. all rubbish. so dun tell me blahblahblah its over. so ill see u more. rubbish all rubbish. if things cna just return to last time. wadever. crap.

the above para prob doesnt make sense.