amazing shows on tv now.

watching seventh heaven.
used to love this show.


so her boyfriend kissed her friend.

and then the friend asked her.
dont you believe in forgiving?


well yes.

i do.

watching this repeat of this HK drama.

the girl so kelian.
got some disease.

she bluff the handsome boyfriend that shes angry with him

then the handsome boyfriend saw her hanging out with handsome doctor.
thought mayb she dumped him for handsome doctor.



so drama.

does this happen in real life?

ala edward cullen in twilight?



i hope not.

its new years.

a year has zoomed past. hasnt it?


shall not lament too much on the year.


what shall i do today!!
theres crab dinner which im not too keen on (but ill go!) cause of my horriific sore throat and itchy body still!
suicidal me thinks.
sucky flu. BOO.

then there's the matter of after dinner plans.

bahhhhh.
decisions decisions.

what i really want to do.
yea.

so im back from malacca.

this trip bought back so many memories.

right from the start.

when we went to check in at the tour agency.
i thought of you.
the sleepy eyed us when we went there at the same time.

when we got on the bus.
still you.
cause we were allocated the first 2 seats.
just like before.
how we marvelled at the wide leg room.

as we travelled on.
i remember the excitement i had when i was with you.
like YAYYY! we are finally going overseas!
just you! JUST ME AND YOU.

when i turned on the freaking tv.
our bus was supposed to not come with entertainment. we were lucky.
guess what was playing?
BOLT.
how i miss my dear dog with bunny ears.

and at that moment.
that moment of weakness.
thoughts of missing you welled up.

so i messaged you.


the first day was horrible.

as i went through the motions. smiled for the camera. walked. joked.
inside me was feeling hurt all around.

when we finally retired into the hotel.
i was glad that everyone was tired.

so i could have my silence too.



as i leaped onto the huge king sized bed.
i remember those moments snuggled in for endless hours watching tv.

as i dragged myself up for breakfast.
i remembered how we(you!) couldnt even wake up for breakfast.

as i proclaimed the best holiday would be to wake up for breakfast, head back to sleep for 1/2 more hours den head out in the afternoon.
i realized. only 2 of us could do that.

as i took the revolving tower down. and ooh-ed and ahh-ed a bit at it. i wished. you were there to enjoy it with me.

as we went for massages. i tot of you.

as we went to FOS. i tot of you.

as we da-baoed macdonalds. i tot of you.


too much too many.

memories are scary, arent they?


but those were sweet memories.

memories that i love.
i treasure.
and i miss.

this morning.
as i looked out into the blue skies.
bluee skies. dotted with white fluffy clouds.
birds chirping.

peaceful peaceful morning.

thought of you.

and the peace i used to get when i looked at you snooze.


这个清晨
是想你的


santa.
its still xmas.

what more can i do.
all i want for xmas is you.


back to snoozy land for 1 more hour.
with dreams of blue skies white clouds.

as i waited quietly
i read the messages in my phone.

clearing.

reading.
reading.

and one constant thing you said.
in almost all the messages.



and crazily.
i think i know.
insanely.
i do.

deep inside the heart that is.
i do.

but somehow the rational side is saying otherwise.

or maybe.
its the self defence mechanism kicking in.


and somehow.
i think.
i will.

i will wait.


i saw this nice tee yesterday.
suits u to a t.
but i stopped myself from getting it.
told myself.
ill think bout it.
get it later.
and today when i went back
it was no longer there.
even aft asking about it.
apparently it was arleady sold out.

example of right shirt wrong time?
everything has its own time and place.

time's not right.


till some day. some time.

its amazing how i need so lil sleep nowadays.
=( eyebags im sorry.

u know the thing about emotions is.
they come and go.

fortunately.



i may have never been that impt a person to you.
but know that.
you will always be that person to me.

it was always gonna be a unbalanced weighing scale i suppose.



as i sleep in bed again.
snuggled under the sheets.

as long as you're happy sweets.

get more sleep.

after my long hot bath.
which reminded me of you.

every single effing thing does u know.
ull be amazed.


im happy
u sound happy.

really.

maybe thats all.

i dont think i can handle this.
or myself.

esp in a place like this right now.

where all the memories are haunting me left right centre.



=(

maybe.
i was really never anything.

wide awake.

i often amaze myself with my brilliant (subjective!) analytical skills.
or over imagination.
or what u like to call.
assumption.

maybe the brain cells are better put to other more constructive uses.
like finding the cure to starvation.
or how to make rainbow coloured cookies.


its been like 2 mths.
but it feels like forever.


the heart gave a lil whine of protest and cry.
but its all okay.



it may have come at just the right time.



2009 is coming to a close.
who would have thought it will end up this way.

new year.
new beginnings.

i mean it.

J said.
may you find a new guy under the mistletoe.

i still want the same guy under the mistletoe.
but in a totally different way.


i wonder where u are.
but its no longer mine to worry about, is it?

i wish you well.
yellow pill, deep sleep, sweet dreams and smiles.
smiles.
lots of smiles.

feel like telling you.
but. why wld u wanna know.
u wouldnt.

rawr.


ok back.

just met my cchs buds.
seriously the most wholesome friends. =)
zhuoyan wanted to go to a pub. CAUSE HE WANT TO PLAY DICE.
this chinaman ah. forever one. sleazy pubs aplenty. hahaa.
derui asked. but we are like MACDONALDS PPL. not PUB PPLE.
cute.

lovelove them lah.

hahaa.
we can reminisce about nutty sec sch times for a million times
still laugh at the same stupid rebeliious rubbishy ahlian/ahbeng things.
and never get bored.



not gonna get any sleep tonight.
reminds me of the time we went KL together.

the major quarrel.
den the making up.
and going away tog.
spending most of the hol sleeping in the hotel.
watching AXN.
with u sleeping by my side
like a sweet baby.

fun.

love going away tog with you.


so many things.

even if u do forget.

ill always remember,
always.

always have.
always will.

宝贝

love this song.

我的宝贝





我的宝贝　宝贝
给你一点甜甜
让你今夜都好眠
我的小鬼　小鬼
逗逗你的眉眼
让你喜欢这世界

哇啦啦啦啦啦我的宝贝
倦的时候有个人陪
哎呀呀呀呀呀我的宝贝
要你知道你最美

我的宝贝　宝贝
给你一点甜甜
让你今夜很好眠
我的小鬼　小鬼
捏捏你的小脸
让你喜欢整个明天

哇啦啦啦啦啦我的宝贝
倦的时候有个人陪
哎呀呀呀呀呀我的宝贝
要你知道你最美

哇啦啦啦啦啦我的宝贝
孤单时有人把你想念
哎呀呀呀呀呀我的宝贝
要你知道你最美

哇啦啦啦啦啦啦耶～
耶耶耶耶喔喔

哇啦啦啦啦啦我的宝贝
倦的时候有个人陪
哎呀呀呀呀呀我的宝贝
要你知道你最美

要你知道你最美

feeling a weird sense of sadness, and loss that i can only hope is triggered by grumpy parents and sick body.

i.e. please dont let it last for too long.


HDB flats are built too close for comfort.
can hear some woman in the NEXT BLOCK screaming her head off.
scolding someone useless, good for nothing, money grubber.

OMG wheres the xmas spirit. WHERE.


all the xmas grinches.
come together.
and please go burn urselves.

oh shit that means me too.
bah.


what u said still rings in my mind.

i wonder.

if i have any questions
ask you.

how.

feeling sick.
=(
must be all the late nights and lack of sleep. =(
sore throat, achey, fluey, nose blocky.

please dont let me fall sick! =((

i still wanna have a merry christmas.


last night i sang 第一个清晨 for the first time.
in a state of ultimate sore throat and fatigue.
chloes asked whats the MTV about man. besides the fact that lee hom looks super handsome. haha.

damn nice.


watching this crappy chn movie on cable.
dont know what the show is about.
but think louis koo loses his memory and he wants to break up with his gf.
the gf crazily loves him.
like scream shout and immerses herself in soap water to get his attn.
he bluffs that he has a girlfriend, has photos plastered all over, says the ultimate mean things to her.
yes she still remains steadfast to him.

bah.


Hey.
我真的好想你
不知道你现在到底在哪里

this song
i heard it a few times before
but i never read the words
nor watched the MTV.

damn nice.
interesting how things are when roles are reversed.

i wanna be a boy.



If I Were A Boy

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

super love this song!!
its so happy quirky jumpy!
can put on repeat lor.

video's sucky!
but its a close fight to being my favourite xmas song!

*dances around*

everyone shld click on it!
get some nice xmas vibes!
lalalala.





last night i took a walk in the snow
couples holding hands, places to go
seems like everyone but me is in love
santa can u hear me?

i signed my letter that i sealed with a kiss
i sent it off, n just said this
i know exactly what i want this year
santa can u hear me?

i want my baby baby, yeah
i want someone to love me and someone to hold
and maybe maybe maybe
he'll be all my own in a big red bow

santa can u hear me?
i have been so good this year,
and all i want is one thing
tell me my true love is near
he's all i want
just for me, underneath my christmas tree
i'll be waiting here, santa thats my only wish this year

christmas eve, i just can't sleep
would i be wrong for taking a peek?
cuz i heard that you're coming to town,
santa can u hear me?

i really hope that you're on your way,
with something special, for me in ur sleigh
oh please make my wish come true,
santa can u hear me?

i want my baby baby
i want someone to love me and someone to hold,
and maybe maybe maybe
we'll be all alone under the mistletoe

santa can u hear me?
i have been so good this year
and all i want is one thing,
tell me my true love is near
he's all i want
just for me, underneath my christmas tree
i'll be waiting here
santa thats my only wish this year

i hope my letter reaches you in time
bring me love, i can call all mine
cuz i have been so good, so good this year
can't be alone under the mistletoe,
he's all i want in a big red bow

santa can u hear me?
i have been so good this year
and all i want is one thing,
tell me my true love is near
he's all i want, just for me
underneath my christmas tree,
i'll be waiting here,
santa thats my only wish this year

he's all i want, just for me, underneath my christmas tree
i'll be waiting here
santa thats my only wish this year

santa thats my only wish this year

shall not think anymore.


no matter whether u meant them or not.
no matter whether it was said at a moment of anger.


i wont go read it anymore.

to make ppl ard me happy, smile, laugh.
i must be happy myself.


and i love to bring joy to ppl ard me.

12 days of christmas right!
i have 11 days to mk it better! =))

smile everyone smile!

*hugs*

*throws pink glitter on everyone*

some happenings from december!
most of the photos still in the camera!

hee.

dinner at the HANDBURGER. burger was good! would love to bring u there. i love the dishes. so cool!

beary adorned with my first xmas present (from my sis!). doest he look super cute and festive!

bday present for my sis! super chio right! best part is i can wear it too! wahahaha.

super random picture when my colleagues and i were hiding along the corridor waiting to throw a bday surprise. we hid here for almost 20 mins cause of miscomm. hahaha.

as i read the convo again.

i hope
u didnt mean everything u said.

i cried myself to sleep.
been a while since i did that.

and halfway.
it started raining cats and dogs.


im sorry.
for being so.. spiteful.
and i accept ur apology too.

think it was just a day with all the bad factors combined.
sadness. tiredness. no xmas spirit. pent up angst.
and it combusted.

maybe after the rain.
it will extinguish all hurt pain and anger.
we will all be okay.

what do i want.



you say im making assumptions.
you?



strange cause i have been asking myself this qns fr the past mth.
everynight when i pray to God.
i cant tell him what i want.
cause i dont know what i want.
i always end up telling him for everyone i love to be happy and healthy.

and most of the time.
its for you.



i dont want care and concern from you.
because that would stir my thoughts in a frenzy
i wont even know whats right whats wrong.
and whats happening.



i dont want you to not date girls.
because that has never even crossed my mind.



i have no idea what i want.



so if u have any inkling.
maybe you can tell me.




Right now.

i just wish for the tears to stop.
and for everyone to be happy.



thats what i want.

have been having really sleepless nights.
=(

what i read made me sad.

but yea.

sad for you because of the hurt u have.

im sorry for wishing bad things on you.



Dear God,

Give me 2 wishes this year?
Next year i wont have any.

You know what my wishes are.

to take care of the two of them.

give them smiles and restful sleep.

thank you.

for every single ounce of misery i feel, i wish you more.
more more more.
so you will not only feel the pain that i feel.
but also more. to punish you.

to let u realize how painful it is for me.
and then to realize ur bloody folly.

i feel so spiteful mean and evil.
but i just needed to say it.

esp on xmas somemore.


maybe saggis arent that nice.
the last i heard something similar.
was what sue said she will say if she saw u on the streets.

sounds like what i would say if i ever saw J on the streets too.


humans really shouldnt have beating hearts.



santa really didnt hear me.
maybe i should have done it the old fashioned way and wrote to him.
my family's not happy. not truly anyway.
my love's not happy.
im not happy.

everyone was happy with their gifts this year.
but the air had a mood of gloom.
we all do love each other.
and you would have completed it all.

Dear God,
I dont know how to make her happy.
but if you can get thro to her.
please let her see.
that we love her so.
please let her open the presents.
and see that we actually love her so much.
Please see my aunts and cousins thro this period too.
give them the courage to.
its so difficult.

give her the courage to believe.
take her pessimism away.
and then she will see the love.
and see what she has.

give her a smile.

Thank you God.
this will be my only wish this year.
the rest. ill save them for another.


By the time i reach the end of the post.
so does my hate.
im sorry.
i take my words back.

dont be miserable anymore.
i wish u heart shaped pink glitter and sparkles.
all showering down.
and may u smile.
work's hectic.
so the only thing i wish for you
will be occasional smiles to keep you going
and long restful sleep with sweet cotton candy dreams.

goodnight sweets.
try to sleep ok?
love.

so you're still trying.

this is really. really the worst xmas ever.
12 days.
lets just see how bad it will get.

needa get away.
get out.
to somewhere where chipmunks dont exist, xmases dont exist, and hearts are made of fluff.

really?
i wonder.
yesterday where did the tear come from first.

ahh.
needa drag my ass up and prepare for the family xmas thingy tonight.
im sure somewhere in between, feelings of xmas will emerge out.

yesyes im sure.

i miss you.


missing someone is such a bittersweet thing.
when u miss someone.
you miss him, his voice, his hair, his eyes, his smile, his touch.
u smile at those memories.
but in actual fact these memories are no longer there.
and will never be attainable anymore.
worse still when you miss A, but A misses B.
how fucked up.


santa can you hear me.
i have been so good this year.

one of my absolute favourites!!
okay maybe my favourite! =)


I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
You

so its christmas.
merry christmas all.

am not really feeling the xmas cheer this morning.
maybe its the lack of sleep.

it shld get better..

i so wanna watch the chipmunks.


somebody asked me.
why the hell do u wanna go to DF for.
u must be nuts.

lets just say..
i have concluded.
theres nothing i can do.
at times i hate him.
at times i stil feel hurt.
but one thing is never changing.
and i dont know how to change it.
i can hide now
but i cant hide forever.
so i have to learn how to handle my emotions.
even if it means seeing things i dont wanna see
stirring up emotions i dont wanna feel.
feeling those feelings of loss that are so hard to handle
so close. yet so far.
i have to face them all.
with a smiling face.

feels a lil suicidal.

so many yes no moments.
like i should.
nah i shouldnt. things are not the same anymore.
i should.
nah i shouldnt.

yesterday.
two songs were sung in succession.
the first one..
tears were already welling up.
the second one..
omg. one of my favourite songs in the recent mths.
i knew the intro. every single word.
i knew the floodgates will open.
a tear rolled down my cheek. two.
wiped it away.
charlene patted my shoulder gently.
ARGH! i cannot be consoled when im holding back tears!

when X came by and sang a huge part of the song looking into charlene's eyes.
my heart cringed.
i felt like an intruder.
intruding on to their private space.
and how i wish.
but wishes wont come true.


紧紧相依的心如何Say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句
Say goodbye
当作最後一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管
只要你能愉快


i really dont know whether what im doing is right.
i really dont.
it feels like treading on floating pebbles while crossing a river.
not knowing which pebble will sink or support you.
but still bravely (recklessly?) stepping on.


this christmas
will be a memorable one.
but for the wrong reasons me thinks.

i guess.
one of the most bittersweet things in life would be like this.
unrequited love.
ah. it hurt to say that out loud.

maybe.
some love.
some emotions.
maybe are just meant to be like that.
kept in a lil crevice of ur heart.


as long as you're happy.

good night.
i hope you have a nice long sleep. i do.
sweet dreams.

"You can ask your eyes not to see. Even maybe control your mind not to think. But you can't control your heart, and ask it not to feel."




突然发现站了好久 不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我 再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我 就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可 委屈却没有人诉说

夜把心洋葱般剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候 想你更多

如果你也听说 有没有想过我
像普通旧朋友 还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说 悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和 舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我 胸口依然温柔

如果你想起我
你会想到什么

back home.

xmas was great.
fun.

lots to say.

but i shan't.

the two songs were sang in succession.

lovebirds.

he singing the song to her eyes.

the taxi home.

too much. too many.


this xmas.
this 24th.
i miss you.

seems to be a sleepless night today. =(

think we all need to learn to be less trusting.
less forgiving
more cynical.
have less faith.
love less.

to protect ourselves.

not sleepy. =(

but im so tired.

but still not sleepy.


bah.


you know how ur mind is like kinda constantly awake.
constantly active
constantly thinking

yea man.
its like that.

dear brain,
please give urself a break
and stop processing
stop analyzing
stop thinking
stop sending signals to the heart

it still hurts.

but its okay.

be calm minsy.

u will be fine.


dont feel like going tomorrow anymore.

maybe its time to.

end it all.


theres no time nor space for weakness in this place.

home from a super tiring day of shopping!!
but SHOPPING's finally done!!! =)))

except for one actually.

feels odd not shopping for you.
love shopping for you.
but i dont really know what to get. =(
which makes me a lil sad.
like i dont know you anymore.

too confusing.

shant think about it.

will see how it goes tmr!


TMR CAN GET OFF WORK AT 3PM!!
i know its kinda cheap thrill! but im so happy!
maybe can do manicure!
i wanna get some xmasy colour! haha.

lovelovelove.


my heart aches for you.
but its ok.
i know you will be okay.
you can do this. =)
as long as u want to.

reading ur tweets actually makes me a lil sad.
like makes me feel... worthless.
and then makes me feel like hurling insults.
but den ill breathe
and it will be okay.

just sleep more ok?
bright eyed bushy tailed.

i wish i was there to shop too.


retail therapy works wonders!
even when its not for me!

tralala.

what shld i wear for xmas tmr?

I don’t know how to say this.

but im sorry to hear ur pain.

I really am
cause I truthfully can say I know how you’re feeling.

because.
this was exactly the pain I was feeling.
the pain of being left alone.
the pain of loss.
the pain of being forgotten.
like a old stuffed toy.
thrown away to make space for the new robot.

I hate to think that it’s the same intensity.
because that would mean that you loved her as much as I loved you.

and that’s gross.

in the end.
this world will just end up with people with hearts made of steel.
and people who don’t have the courage to love.


still.
whatever. whenever.
ill be two steps behind ya.

chin up!

i think.
all you need is love.

with love.
comes understanding, compromising, forgiveness.

not the usual things that people think of.
but the essence of what true love is.

with love.
everything else will fall into place.

like jigsaw pieces fitting into place.

one by one.

i hope you find your jigsaw piece.

its dongzhi.

just ate 3 balls.

miss eating aballings with you.


and i suddenly recalled the last time i cooked tang yuan.


bah.

feeling a lil dejected.
=(

cant rem who was it who said.
but i think i must always remind myself to be less positive. less happy. less optimistic.

like always look on the bad side of things.

the irony.

so it doesnt hurt so much.

interesting.
worrying?

i wonder.

what you're thinking.


so the song's called two steps behind.
nice..



Whatever you do
I'll be two steps behind you
Where ever you go
And I'll be there to remind you
That it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around
I'll be two steps behind

we went to this tanjong pagar pub zhuoyan's girlfriend was working at.

we were supposed to be going to 85 so i was in a shorts and a sleeveless tank.

so u can imagine. a pub in shorts, sandals and a tank.


it was a karaoke pub.
decent la.
but still lots of leering man.
UNCLES! omg can faint. haha.
a white haired uncle lei!! hahaa.
seriously UNCLES?!?!
kill me now somebody.

the first thought that came into my mind was.
omg how you would kill me if u knew i came here dressed like that.
ha.


his girlfriend asked me
what song u wanna sing
ill find it for you!

the first song that came to my mind was
第一个清晨

but didnt think i had the guts to sing it wo tearing.
so i didnt.


i learnt how to play 5-10 today!!
im pretty good! hahaa. i think. ok la not very la. i won 5 times. out of 20 times?!
lets just say i did most of the drinking. stupid zhuoyan drank cause he was thirsty!!
nehnehpok.
luckily i can drink. otherwise die. hahaa.


think in the past 2 months.
ive drunk more than ive drunk in the past 2 years.


2 more days to xmas eve.
have a couple of invitations to spend it.

but the only thing i wanna do
is not any of those.


good night all.
good night you.

sleep well. sleep tight.
dont let those bed bugs bite.


我的亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
一个人过一天像过一年
海的那一边
乌云一整片
我很想为了你快乐一点
可是亲爱的
你怎么不在身边

night out with zhuoyan was fun. =)

its nice to be able to hang out with friends.
be yourself.
slack. laugh.

beer makes me sleep better i think.

yawns.


when i came back.
ur msn convo was still on.

i read it again.
and i wondered to myself.

what did it mean.


but i guess i shouldnt think so much really.
i may not be able to face the truth.
or can i?

whatever it is.
friends. yes friends.


Dear friend,
yes things will only get better from now.
it will.
only upwards. no more downwards.

you will be okay.

whatever it is u know someone will always be backing u up.

theres a song that goes.
cant rem what.

but ill always be two steps behind u.


i think.
some things dont disappear
and they cant.
so i shall not try hard to make it disappear.
cause i dont know how to either.
so
ill just learn to manage it.
think there are just some things in world that are like that.

no perfect solution.
just what seems right.

think it works too right? =)


as long as you're well.
its all well.

omg have so many movies i wanna watch!


the chipmunks (opens on xmas eve, BAH!)

avatar (everyone's has such rave reviews! BAH! i gave up free tics to watch them)

couple's retreat (chick flicks i love! u hate.)


both shows have memories of you.

i rem when u told me u wanted to watch the first chipmunks
i was like ERRR OK.
never was the kind to like to watch fake stuff. hahaa.

but i thoroughly enjoyed the show!
it was fabulous!!!

same for avatar.
i rem u going "wah must watch!" when we saw the trailer.

i wish.
i had the teeny lil bit of courage. haha.
ill ask u to watch them.
as friends of course.

but i dont have.

BAHHHHH.


cute lil chipmunks.

they say

true love requires falling in love with the same person
over and over again

you will just keep falling in love with him

like maybe you're angry with him for being late.
or over sleeping again.
den some bad thoughts invade ur mind.

den when u see him with his ultra messy hair
rubbing his eyes

or him giving u an embarrassed grin

you fall in love with him all over again.



they say.

true love is not really supposed to be all smooth.

you have to go through shit together.

ups downs.

loss.

then you will cherish and appreciate the love.



was randomly blog surfing.
when this song was playing on someone's blog.



never hear before.

but its kinda nice.


该忘了你对不对.



"After all this time?"

"Always. Always have. Always will."

its the time of the year.
=(

i know it will be shitty!

but not so shitty i guess.


i rem what i did last christmas!
and last new year!

i do.

i think.
that was God's way of tellng you.
how i felt when you exploded on me.

u know what i do when im very angry.
i always find an outlet.
to prevent myself from exploding at the wrong people.

with intentions that are often misconstrued.

so find an outlet.
explode on other people.
your friends.

after exploding.
den think.
breathe and think logically.

i hope that works for you.

its the time of the year.
that i usually love.

but wo you.
these days feel really hard.

really really hard.

hate december. =(

i feel mean.

at a friend's bbq earlier. while playing a game.
i scolded some guy's girlfriend stupid at the spur of the moment cause she put a wrong card.

feeling really bad.
as in i din mean it that way.

but i guess it was also before that her unusually squeaky and high voice was pissing me off. =(

plus my cranky moody day.

but i still feel bad.

sorry.


even all the way at clementi.
you still lurk ard. hahaa.
can you believe it?
i bumped to andrew and joyce. haha.

what are the odds man.

like i didnt intend to take the train.
like i could have missed them.
was supposed to go much earlier.
wanted to get off at buena vista instead.
so many maybes.
i wouldnt have recognized them cept nowadays im really sensitive to ppl carrying guitar bags.


i really really miss you.
words arent even enough.
i just miss you.

but im really happy too.
that you seem happy.
you do.
and that's really
nice.

tonight.
i hope you have a good sleep.
long good restful sleep.

its good weather you know.
have a good sleep
and may you have sweet dreams.



我会好好的
花还香香的
时间一直去
回忆真美丽

我是想著你
一直想著你
你在我心底
变成了秘密

不要说你爱我 你想我
如果你的心里没有这么做
只是勉强的敷衍我 我知道了会很难受

我要你默默走 不回头
我会清楚明白你要的是什么
无须勉强的安慰我 说奇怪的理由

到现在还是深深的 深深的爱著你
是爱情的 友情的都可以
那是我心中的幸福 我知道它苦苦的

要给你远方的祝福 我知道它苦苦的

an air of gloominess surrounds me.

not sadness.

just gloominess.

im not sure why.

even after my long needed nap.

my headache's still there..

=(


well luckily theres the bbq.
something to be happy for at least?
at least ill laugh and smile there.

im glad.
at least u seem back on track.
truly happy.

love
may just be like that.

as long as you're happy.

tkcare.

i just read xx's blog entry about her love story.
and boy.
what a story.

you know i think thats what love is about really.

besides the all sweet moments of looking into each other's eyes
snuggling under blankets
laughing with each other

love is mostly about sacrifices and compromise

its about the headiness and the rashness to give up the things that matter to you.

bt only if the recepient is deserving of your love of course
otherwise its just stupidity.

its about how you know you can give up everything in this world for another person.
well almost everything.
how like no matter how hard it was
just looking at this person you gave everything up for at the end of the day would make it all worth it.

its def irrational.
crazy.

but i think that's really love.

love is.
purposely ordering the food you think he will like even though you might not. cause you like to see him eating happily.
waking up early, staying up late just to catch a glimpse of him. even if its 5am. and u have only a few hours before u get to work.
thinking of saving every penny up so as to buy him a lil surprise gift
being excited every single time you meet up with him even though the last time you saw him was yesterday.
telling him lets watch a movie! cause he love movies. even though you will end up falling asleep cause too tired.
giving up going out on special days because looking at him sleep peacefully was more fufilling.

and so much more.


once.
i was that too.

i remembered once.
you asked me what if one day you wanna emigrate overseas.
i said but i love sg. i love my parents. i love my family. i love my friends
i dont wanna go anywhere. i cant leave them.
and you said okay.
but actually. a part of me knew, eventually i'd have gone anywhere you wanted to.

when you wanted to go Taiwan.
i actually entertained the thought of going there to get a job. think peish suggested.
at tt moment i knew i was crazy. ahhaha.

but love is crazy.

and you were a deserving recepient of my crazy love.

i dont know when i figured or knew that you were the one.
was it that moment when u held my hand while crossing the road at bugis
and i told you "its a weird feeling to be holding hands"
and you smiled and said "ill hold it forever. you'll get used to it"
or was it the moment you said "you're really the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with. i dont want to look anymore. cause everything's right. and ill do anything to make us work."

i dont know.



when you sent me that sms yesterday.
i was so consumed by anger.
so so angry.

and the main reason was because i couldnt believe that you actually thought that of me.
you may say it was just bluntness.
but like i said before.
things said at the heat of the moment are rash, maybe not what you really intend to.
but theres always elements of truth in it.

was i such a person to you??

its was so utterly heartbreaking
because the person that means the most to you in this whole world.
actually thought that of you.

i teared as i shopped.
those tears were tears of anger.
and disappointment.

=(

but as the nasty smses were exchanged.

and i called someone to let the steam out.

i no longer felt angry.

like it was like the steam was let out of a hot kettle.

and this part was the scary part.

because i realized.
i wasnt angry with you anymore.
despite the mean things you said.
because
i actually understood you.
and i already forgave you.

thats.
crazy.
scary.


den i wondered to myself.
shld i still go watch the show.

i intended to watch the show.
purely because i missed watching the performances.
and it was a good day to do it.
i was happy cheery and all.

and i told myself.
i had to get pass this first stage.
of seeing you.

i always thought i would do so.
someday when i was prepared.

but ur heart cannot prepare for something that it is unaware of.
so there's no way you can ever be prepared.

so in the end.
i decided to go.

as i approached that all too familiar place.
my heart was beating so fast.

i rem talking non stop outside so as to calm my nervous heart.
i rem grabbing on to charlene and telling her. im scared. and she gave me a puzzled look.

as i sat there.
and watched.
i remembered how i used to watch too.
its been a long time since i came here.
how my eyes would be transfixed on you.
and you would shoot me a smile every now and then.

but yesterday.
i did not have the courage to stare too long at you.
for fear of catching ur eye

but i missed you.

as the set dragged on.
it wasnt good.
and i had alot on my mind.

maybe it was me.
but i could see that you had alot on ur mind too.

and for a while
i felt guilt.

den ai hen jian dan came on.
maybe it was the dark.
maybe it was the emotions.
maybe it was the song.
maybe it was the raw husky voice.

i cried.

my eyes welled up with tears.
thank God for the dim lighting.

every single word.


it was the most difficult thing i had done in a long time.
making the decision to go see you
with people that i wasnt very close to.
with no shoulder to rely on if things go awry
with nobody to talk to

but im glad i did.

its one hurdle crossed.

one fear conquered.


and with that.
i shall leave you all with a song.

love is really simple.
just love.
den everything else will fall in place.




忘了是怎么开始 也许就是对你一种感觉
忽然间发现自己 已深深爱上你 真的很简单
爱的地暗天黑都已无所谓 是是非非无法抉择
没有后悔为爱日夜去跟随 那个疯狂的人是我 喔～

I LOVE YOU 无法不爱著你 BABY 说你也爱我
I LOVE YOU 永远不愿意 BABY 失去你

不可能更快乐 只要能在一起 做什么都可以
虽然 世界变个不停 用最真诚的心 让爱变的简单
爱的地暗天黑都已无所谓 是是非非无法抉择
没有后悔为爱日夜去跟随 那个疯狂的人是我 喔～

I LOVE YOU 我一直在这里陪 一直在爱你
I LOVE YOU(yes I do) 永远都不放弃 这爱你的权利

如果你还有一些困惑 Oh No
请贴著我的心倾听
听我说著 爱你 (yes I do)

人都是下贱的

its raining.

i have this new favourite song.

its. the best.
love the jam hsiao version.
but this duet version works well too.

i imagine it will be the nicest enjoyed in a black dark room.
with only dim lights.
big ikea cushions.
huge quilts.




Hey～我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的 有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里

Hey～我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话 我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

如果没有你 没有过去
我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你

如果没有你 我在哪里
又有什么可惜 反正一切来不及
反正没了自己

Hey～我真的好想你
不知道你现在到底在哪里

你是否像我一样在想你


its a strange uncanny feeling.
and a immensely hurtful feeling.
when i know
what i feel for you
is what you feel for her.
when you say i take the words out of your mouth
yet im not the recepient of these emotions

its actually quite the bullshit.
and extremely unfair.

its really unfair.

because she didnt do a single thing that deserves anything.

whereas i did everything.
everything i could.
even more than what i could.

i never understood the logic of fishing.
playing hard to get,
i was always a blank piece of paper.
my emotions clearly written.
feelings clearly written.

thing is.
you too,

but u liked being fished.

its really true.
nice people always finish last.
i have always prided myself on being nice.
i love being nice
but now i know.
its not always the best.
the only only person that loses out eventually is me.

and irony is.
because i was nice.

you are so sorry towards her.
so bloody sorry.

it seems sometimes
you are more sorry towards her than me.

what the hell are u sorry for!
for being tortured.
like sorry.
i cant be tortured anymore.

what kind of fucked up bullshit is that.
really.
what kind.

sue was right.
i made the relationship so meaningful.
it seemed like it was enough.
whereas because she treated you like crap.
you found the need to make it better. make it work.
and thats unfair.

you may never ever accept it.
but its something i have to accept.
and swallow.

i think.
if she never came along.
we would have always have tried to work things out.

and we would.

but because of her.
you gave us up.
you decided to try fucking mother hard with her.

and thats the scary part.

you're right.
im good for you.
but you're not too good for me.

but love.
is not rational.
not something you can weight the pros and cons.
cause if you did.
you would have loved me forever.

and i wont be loving you still.


its been an eventful night.
in many ways more than one.
and sometimes.
it hurts to see a friend you love walking in ur footsteps
but because shes walking in ur footsteps
you know
theres no way you can stop her
and inside.
you are super afraid
afraid that she will end up like you.

allow her to walk it?

stop her? but thats not fair!

dont stop her? den what if..?

so confusing.
and such a conflicted role to play .

cant sleep. bahhhhh.
why ah!

bahhhhhhhhhhh.

i miss you.
but ill keep it here for a while.

BAHHHHHHHH.
needa sleep!!!!

step by step.
bit by bit.

the smiles will get more frequent.
laughter louder.
sleep deeper.
heart better.

you will be okay. =)


be sorry not towards her.
but to urself.
for allowing urself to lose urself.


it will be a better day tmr. =)


Baking tmr with charlene!
cant wait!! wanna go get xmas cookie cutter shapes!

not sure whether they will be edible! but it will sure be tons of fun. hahaha.



wanna watch the chipmunks!!!

and see the bodyworld exhibition!

BAHHHH. nehnehpok

as i was walking back.
my ipod played this song!
i didnt even know i had this song.

i super love fang da tong.

hes awesome.





你还好吗 好久不见
又来这里 这个老店
後来的你 喜欢了谁
我们 聊聊天

现在的你 一样美丽
至於爱情 是个回忆
她不爱我 他离开你
爱会来 就会去

在不同的城市努力
偶尔也会想想你
这样的我 那样的你
要很久才相聚

我们都没说那遥远的曾经
我们也没提故事的原因
青春的复刻回忆像一片云
没法子抓在手里

我们的眼泪在复习着过去
我们的微笑是彼此的氧气
复刻的回忆是封挂号信
多远都可以找到你

窗外的树 爱哭的风
烦恼的我 聪明的你
爱是什麽 什麽人懂
所以 别难过

心还痛吗 请忘了吧
所谓幸福 是个童话
後来的我 一切随意
所以 没关系

在不同的城市努力
偶尔也会想想你
这样的我 那样的你
要很久才相聚

我们都没说那遥远的曾经
我们也没提故事的原因
青春的复刻回忆像一片云
没法子抓在手里

我们的眼泪在复习着过去
我们的微笑是彼此的氧气
复刻的回忆是封挂号信
多远都可以找到你

午後的闷热的窗外的一场大雨
让我们看见了以前的自己
把时光倒转回那一季
那年的梦 他乡的你

loving someone is strange.
against logic
rationality

i dont want you to go through this pain
cause i know how painful it truly is

but maybe you should.

that sentence in itself
is an oxymoron in its own essence.

what is love truly.



好吧
就这样吧

早一点回家睡觉
好好的休息

跟朋友在一起也好
就跟他们倾诉你心中的伤心
要哭 就大声的哭

哭完以后
就得振作
别再为她流泪了

你应该会大肆的喝酒
就喝吧
就今晚

烟 就别抽了


今天
希望你是平静的

你行的

cheebye.

just slipped on a plastic bag and got a major big orh chey.

its gonna be major big

i can see hints of black and blue 5 seconds after the fall.

boohoohoo.

its gonna be like a country of blue black.

so painful..

=(

feel better now.
guess im just the sort that needs to get it off my chest.

breathe minsy breathee.


watched xx's proposal video.
so sweet.
it bought a tear to my eye.


xmas shopping was quite successful today.
love xmas.
i love buying presents for pple.
and the joy and glee when they open their presents.
when you tell them why u bought them this or that.
its love.
of cos i'll love it if ppl buy me presents too.
but really the love from giving
is so much much more rewarding.


i miss buying you presents.
choosing you presents.
fretting over what to get.
thinking "i wonder if you'd like it."
whether you will be surprised.
the hug and the thank you that comes after.
the excited lil boy glee when u unwrap or stare expectantly into the plastic bag.
whether it will put a smile to ur face.


next life.
i want to be santa claus.
female version.
can wear sequins.
black and gold and hotpink.
i only need rudolph right?
santa claus works alone one.
with his elves.
and can give presents to everyone.

hohoho.

many of my friends have said.
dont feel sad for him.
dont pity him.
dont help him.
he needs to feel this pain!
he needs to know what YOU were feeling x 10
then he will cherish what he had.
and realize how precious it all was.

but no.
whatever i went through.
i dont think anybody shld ever ever have to go through with it.
much less the ppl i love.

i think its safe to say.
im the person that truly knows what you're going through right now.

so conflicting.

and so ironic.
so so ironic.

one of my biggest fears in life.
is to lose the people i love.
and to be taken for granted by the ppl i love.

and both you knew.

in every relationship.
friendships even.
i dont give in half of myself.
i only give in all.
all of it.
and i dont really ask for anything in reciprocation.
ok not really la. maybe i do.
but yea u get my drift.

and i think i need to start learning to stop doing that.


it hurts.
to know that i am the person who knows you the best in this whole world.
or rather the person that got the closest to?
the only one that tried hard enough
and prob the only one (ok one of the rare few) that will accept you for who you really are.
and yet.
its not enough.

not enough. never enough.
what will be enough.


talk about numbing of the hearts.
tell me man.
im like a PHD in it.

today.
i was really pissed.

besides the fact that i was feeling sick.
but i was really really really pissed.


when i read that.
i was really pissed.
it was a huge slap to my face.
i rem tears coming to my eyes.
even though i was doing some impt work for my boss.
i couldnt control it.

that song.
means alot to me.
because im usually the one that wakes up before you.
the one that gets to enjoy the you sleeping.
the peace.
the quiet.
the simple, pure love.
every single emotion.
every single word.
is very precious to me.

i dont really give a damn what you 2 had.

but DONT dont ever try to compare what i felt to that.
dont taint my feelings.

i feel so insulted.
yes im selfish like that.
possessive. yes.
this is the evil side of me.


frankly i dont know whether its true. whats true. whats not. what you feel.
but it hurts.our 2 year relationship didnt seem to even impact you as hard as your 2 mth relationship/fling? i dont know what to call that really.

it hurts to even type this.
but maybe
you love her more than me?
what the hell.

it really fucking hurts.

whats love really.
do you know what love encompasses?

sue said. sometimes the period doesnt matter.
and inside me i think i know. yes. the period doesnt matter.
BUT I DONT CARE OKAY.
i really dont.

so painful.

sigh.


i stared at ur msn window for a long time before deciding to ask you about it.
because at that moment.
i knew you were still sad.
hurt. by her.
and i shouldnt.
but i couldnt take it.
i had to ask.

it was a painful answer to take.

and now.
im sorry i had to ask you.
but it prob didnt affect you half as much as it did to me.
but i wouldnt have been able to work at all if i didnt.


whatever the reason was for the song.
whatever was in ur mind when u related to that song.
its okay.
i hope it helped you.


it was hell painful.
but ill be okay.

as usual.

as i was walking home today
the streets were empty
quiet
dampness in the air from the rain.

playing in the ipod was
a emo song
that i currently am super in love with
its on loop!

its not that im emo.
but i just love it.
the way she expresses it.
i posted it up previously.
landy's 眼泪知道.

如果连自尊都已经不再需要
这个世界什么爱
你买不到
天真全都可以倒掉
海誓山盟变成一种玩笑
如果连誓言都已经不再重要
还有什么事值得你去骄傲
所有承诺随风燃烧
对你的爱已经停止心跳
你可知道

so damn nice.
I WANT TO SING KTV!

den somehow.
halfway.
another song just floated in.

when i reached home i immediately youtubed it.

ahh.
nice.

the clean melody.
the words
the pauses.
the breaths.

nice.

for the clueless.
its about mornings.
when you wake up.
before the one u love does.
its about how a boy sings about his love for a girl.
just before she awakes.
he looks at her sleep
and though unsure
he feels the love.
because she made him believe in love.
the love feels a lil unreal
a lil unstable
but this is love.



光投进爱
把梦刷白
舍不得你会醒过来
不要现在
昨夜走太快哦…

说不上来
隐隐藏在胸口一块
吻你脸颊
证明此刻真的存在

是你让我相信爱
对我慷慨 hey oh
是爱我们是注定不是意外

这是爱
我们的爱
还不确定却好实在
把你贴在胸怀
静静的代替表白
才不愿放开

这是爱
给你的爱
没名字却停不下来
在忐忑里期待
雀跃中想到未来是你我才明白
这就是爱

但梦还在
小心不让你醒过来
也许现在
就是永恒的未来

第一个我们的清晨
迷人和默契都是你的
无限可能
言语都显得太肤浅


so totally melt if someone were to serenade me with this song.
this would be a great wedding song me thinks.


im glad ure well.
at least for now yes?
thats all.
we dont have to talk if you dont want to.
as long as ure good.

u will be okay.
just smile.


Dear God,
Thank you.

the solution is.
to stop thinking.
its takes alot of practice.
and u may not perfect it the first time round.
but you will.


if you want to that is.


we shld all just not think too much and obsess over the feelings of love, loss, betrayal, hurt and hate.
because its really not worth it.

just nod ur head.
say yes.
accept it.
allow urself a few minutes of hurt, sadness.
den on u go.
dont dwell.


it will all be better. =)

sweet dreams my dear.
may u wake up bright eyed bushy tailed.

all i want for christmas is you.

i guess
we are pretty similar still
at least on one thing.

we are both silly
stupid
foolish

and we share the same blind faith for things tt dont exist.



i wont share ur pain.
cause its a pain u have to bear.

i wont ask God to take it away.
cause only with this you will learn.

just like i did.

just calm down
and think.
truly think.

and u will realize.
its all not worth it.

ure a smart boy.
u will know.
if u want to.

the pain.
the hurt.
will pass.
if u allow it to.



it hurts still.
to read.

it does.

but its cool.
im cool.

ill be strong for tonight.



Dear God

Tonight.
Tk good care of him.
He needs the guidance.
He needs the care.
Im cool tonight.
ill be okay.

Thank you.


I love this song.
it makes me happy.
smiley.
and hopeful.

and i hope it makes u smile too.

i do wish.
wish and wish and wish.
with all my heart and soul.
that that person you're missing is me.

but im not.



but its okay.

i think life's like that.

shit happens.

and ill accept.
that shit happened to me.



i still have a million questions.
but its okay.
some other day then.

some day.
where we can sit opposite each other.
chill.
coffees in hand.
and talk.
den we will do that.


if there's really karma in this world.
then its really time my good karma popped by.

im waiting.

im okay.
=)

i dont know whether this will last.
i dont.
and i dare not even imagine it will.

ill just take a step at a time.

each step i take.
i take with love.
i wont take with hatred.

i hope this works.


for now.
im just happy to be able to help. =)

whatever i went through.
i dont want anyone to go through what i did.
esp not the ppl i care for.

so FRIDAY!
lets look forward to friday!

that was nice.

Thank you God.
for answering my prayers.
not in the same order.
but thank you anyway.

its nice to know.
that they are fine.
all of them.

guess at least that's off my conscience.

=)

maybe it was the tiredness. the fatigue.
maybe it was the lack of strength to fight.
maybe shushing the heart.
worked.

i really dont want to fight anymore.
not just the fighting.
like i dont want to fight.

simple.
nice.
like how life should be.
like how love shld be.

like how acoustic songs are.
simple
nice.
no complications.
no noisy feedback.
just the music.
the voice.
and you.

not the best version ive heard so far.
but i love this song.
my head wll naturally bob along with it.
bob bob bob bob.



Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I like peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours


back to researching on phones!
Hate my LG one!!!

and that half eaten shepherds pie.
hope its not spoiled!

I don’t want to fight anymore.

very tired.
confused.
tired.
exhausted.

if we were to meet up for dinner.
coffee.
I would say.

lets not talk about us.
lets not talk about her.

lets talk about me.
lets talk about you.
about the weather.
about work.
about funny things.

lets just smile.
laugh.
make merry.

I don’t want to fight anymore.
no more tears anymore.

People like to run
and avoid
avoid
escapism

i run
you run too


i re-read ur smses

its so different

if u were completely honest
which i know u are
despite what everyone says
i know you are

why like that?

everything on fb
everything on twitter

its so different from what u said.

if the online shit is all not real
den why like that
the show is getting a lil too genuine for me

if it is real.
den why like that.

its so confusing.
why are u doing what u are doing
do u like her
dont you wanna get together with her
arent u sick of being in this together-but-not-together status with her and u cant wait to declare her as ur girlfriend
isnt she the one u miss all the time now
dont u look forward to tuesdays wth her now

doesnt all that mean anything to u

even as i type all that
my heart aches

even as i re read those smses
my heart aches

what are you thinking really

shes some escapism mode for you?
where you dont have to think
just smile
flirt and be happy?

i really dont know.

and now im stuck in this turmoil
yet again.

i can do everything in this world
to forget
to make the pain go away
everything

but my heart
i cant control the way it feels
or not

i just want to know
what is it u are hiding
what is it you are thinking.

come clean.
be honest.
stop running.

and maybe then ill stop running too.

took the morning off again.
it seems like i always take the mondays off.
=(
how nice if it was more fruitfully spent.

now its just spent.
nursing the insane headache.

everytime i see ur rock and roll over
i only can think of
ya roll over and die.

it was a difficult night.

actually im not sleepy.

just dont feel like im up to working hard this morning.


love's supposed to be simple.
not complicated
humans make it complicated

if you love me.
just love me.
dont over complicate things by thinking other crap.

but if you dont love me.
i shouldnt over complicate things.
by missing you so much.
i shdl walk away

see its just us humans.
it really shld be this simple.

dont we all have enough other problems in life.
we still want to complicate love and cause more?
for what? brain spoil.
love's supposed to be the antidote, the answer, the solution, the comfort.


many years back
when i was still waitressing
my boss told me
when you look for a boyfriend next time.
you must remember
everything else is not impt
the most impt thing is to look for someone you can be urself with
you dont have to pretend
you dont have to hide
you can tell this person everything
you can laugh with this person
you can cry with this person
you can be ugly in front of this person
you can be silly in front of this person
you can sleep like a pig in front of this person
thats the most impt quality of all

i remembered his kind advice
and it was true.
everything else really doesnt matter.

看不見你的笑 我怎么睡的着

have an insanely ravaging headache.
and i still cant get to sleep.
fucked up.

fuck emotions.
we can all live wo them.

one of my favourite songs.
rem?
and this is my favourite line.
看不見你的笑 我怎么睡的着

i always have a favourite line for every song.

how apt.




那里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把愿望还給我
为什么天這么安靜
所有的云都跑到我这里

有沒有口罩一个給我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我現在正服下的毒药

看不見你的笑 我怎么睡的着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
沒有地球 太阳还是会绕
沒有理由 我也能自己找

你要离开 我知道很简单
你說依賴 是我們的阻碍
就算放開 但能不能別沒收我的愛
当作我最后才明白

看不見你的笑 要我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么轻 我却抱不到
沒有地球 太陽开始环绕环绕
沒有理由 我也能自己走掉
是我說了太多 就承受不了
也许时间是一种解药 解药
也是我选择整瓶服下的毒藥

so wanna learn this song on piano
the intro is how nice.

love this song.
when i saw it on friday
sang it

tonight seems to be a sleepless night.
im afraid.

a super random sms came in.
wishing me goodnight and sweet dreams.
so random i actually asked him whether he messaged the wrong person.
seems to be sleepless for me.
he said. these are the reasons why you shld sleep.

1) I should be sleeping at night
2) The involved party wouldnt even know I'm losing my sleep because of him
3) Tomorrow im gonna suffer cos im working
4) Eyebags
5) my bed is calling impatiently.

nothing new.
but it made me smile.

thank you.



你的绘画凌乱着
在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽
甜蜜散落了

情绪莫名的拉扯
我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌
假装没事了

时间过了走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这 真的痛了

怎么了 你累了 说好的幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得

你不等了 说好的幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢

怎么了 你累了
说好的幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱淡了梦远了
我都还记得

the cookies just dont taste as nice
or as sweet and tasty as i remembered them to be

are the ones from Wisma really nicer?

or was it because eating them with you.
made it nicer?



i really hate you.
you and ur bloody lies.
i have seen how heartless you could be to your exes.
now im just one of them.

i guess for now
i still cannot accept that its all over.
cause it all happened too fast.
now.
its all over.

im beginning to think it was all lies.
because if not.
how can get over it all so fast.
if u were such a bastard
i woudnt even have fallen so hard
or would i.
maybe you just hid it too goddamnfarking well
or maybe i was just too naive.

i dont know how to make it better anymore.

Everyday its a different emotion.
Sometimes every hour.

scary aint it?

i needa be strong. i need to make through this.


my friend told me about this story.
about this couple.
the guy told the girl.
you are the one.
the one for me.
but
im still young
i wanna play the field.
i promise you
let me play ard for 2 years
ill come back to you
and marry you.
cause you are the one.

its like super wtf!!!

but some girls
are silly and stupid enough to take that option.
okay ill wait.


now.
i feel okay.
just okay.
i feel like maybe i can take on the world.

i feel like someday if i see you / her
i can look you in the eye
and scoff at you.

sometimes i feel not too okay.
despite all the problems, differences we had
i always felt that you were the one.
even when you told kenny then that you ideally wanted to get married at 35.
i rem kenny was like are u sure not bro. u want minsi to wait that long?
and at that moment
i realized i actually didnt mind getting married whenever.
as long as i was with you.

but i am no longer the one.
its freaky.
and yes im avoiding
inside me im avoiding this bitter hard truth.

thats why i remind myself everyday.
not to be the silly girl.

on my nano that day.
原谅我 came on.
despite that being one of ur hit songs
i only heard you sing it once.
at ff.

i remind myself on a daily basis to hate you.
but sue said
you dont have to hate him to move on.
but how?
its the only mthd.

how did you move on
how did you stop loving
when u broke up with ur first one
u got together with the one in between.
which was a mistake.
den it was me.
now that we are done
you found one too.

does it work this way?

so was i a mistake as well?

a mistake that lasted for way too long.
a mistake that had way too much invested.

if i was a mistake.
why didnt u tell me earlier.

it wasnt just the money invested.
it wasnt just the time invested.
all that.
i could lose.

it was the feelings and love invested.

once bitten twice shy.

now what invades ur mind
is only her.
how to make her happy
how to make her smile
how to not make her angry
how to get her
how to please her

so my dear silly girl.
stop worrying about him.
save ur prayers for urself
for other people
for world peace
not for him.

a while back
i posted this song
called 想太多
i saw the MTV proper on friday
blonde asked
what is this mtv about! so ridiculous
i told her.
ya man its ridiculous
its about how this girl loves this bastard
but theres a nice boy who loves the girl too
but this girl still likes the bastard.
ridiculous to the max.
but maybe life IS like that.

nice people always finish last.

i cant help it.

i miss you so much.

i haven looked at ur photos ever since.
for fear of stirring up unknown emotions
that ive managed to hide

i really dont dare to look at ur photos. our photos.
even that one in the wallet.

i dont know what else i can do to get rid of this feeling
but i have to
but i really dont know how to

too many different kinds of emotions mixed together

i miss you
why am i not better than her
cause shes hotter
cause shes better

pple will say no
everyone says how nice i am a person
how great a gf i will make
how caring and giving a person i am
how i am the kindest sweetest with the biggest heart

but so what.

the one left in the end alone
is still me.

i try to remind myself of what a person you were
everyday i do
how you didnt even have the guts to tell me about her
until i found out myself
how you didnt even have the guts to talk to me
for fear of maybe confronting and facing what you did
how immediate you leaped into her

if i never found out about her
i would have never
and i would have blamed myself forever
for being the person that drove you away from me

i would never have found out anything
and you would have allowed me to blame myself

without taking responsibility for urself

i remind myself everyday


but yet i miss you still.
esp at moments like this.

Dear God,
Please take these feelings of heartbreak away
Can?
Its not fair.
when hes already in love with another
another that doesnt even deserve it
but shes gets EVERYTHING.

He doesnt even care about me.
Forever ended.
and its been only almost 2 mths.
i didnt know Forever was so transient.
elusive. short term.
its not fair.
Its not fair that i care even
Its not fair that i feel no love in my heart.
Its really not fair.
What have i done to deserve all this.

So can you please take away everything.

argh my head's throbbing like mad.
had so many dreams during my sleep.
some good some bad.

what do dreams indicate dear God?

my first weekend in ages i spent alone, not going out.

i figured. i needa stop troubling my friends.
and i needa start facing it anyway.
i cant be spending every weekend night outside right.

it wasnt easy.
but im almost at the end of it.


last night
i was watching hallmark
there was this movie called Human Trafficking showing

it pissed me off so much!
even felt tears at the corner of my eyes a few times

such bastards!
these poor girls!


and then i remembered that movie we watched
the one with the father who was an ex secret service dude
and he swore to hunt down the ppl who abducted his daughter

i remember how i was v affected after the show
and i remember you teling me im so silly.


i needa stop remembering.

how nice if life was like fb.
like. unlike.
at a click.

you did that.
could you teach me how.

*ouch*

i thought you already prepared urself

stupid.

you're out. totally out.
out of sight out of mind.

its a fucked up situation.
which you can do nothing about.

just SUCK IT UP
and live with it.

看着你
想和你说说话

但是就是缺少那份勇气
放不下自尊

但是其实也好
因为也不知道应该说些什么

我们怎么会变成现在今天这种关系

加油吧

i love blog surfing.
love reading about ppl's lives
how they deal with it
how they love it
the quirky bits
the cute bits
the funny bits

one of my favourite sites to visit is the site of this australian mom with the cutest children
her kids are so uber cute
it makes u feel like having some of ur own

on this down day
i went to her site
and this post of hers made me smile

Karen Cheng’s Snippets of Life » Blog Archive » Children Should Come with A Sappiness Warning

must be the cute baby
or the way she wrote about how the baby smiled
looking at his favourite thing in the world

the innocence
the joy

i have so much to say
but at the same time
nothing to say

people change

you change i change

when i was dishing out relationship advice that day
i realized how ive changed
i had to stop myself
and i told the dear girl
i cant give u any advice
all my advice would be biased
based on my failed relationship
i wont ask you to work hard anymore
becuase i dont believe in working hard anymore
i wont ask you to believe in true love anymore
cause i dont believe in true love anymore
i wont even ask you to love someone else so much anymore
cause thats like preparing urself for doom.

and life feels a lil gloomier when you don believe in true love anymore

as i look myself in the mirror everyday
i see the slightly sunken cheeks
the sallow skin
i see the smile the dimple when i put on my blush
you used to say how you like my smile
how my smile can take away all troubles.

I guess the pain has more or less numbed
nowadays when i read things
it still makes me sad
but the sadness is the kind that kinda just hangs around
it doesnt kill me
but it lingers around
a constant reminder

i guess i just dont get it
and i feel angry
but sue said you dont have to

it really sucks the most
when you are willing to work so hard for her
when she doesnt even have to lift a finger
why cant you fight for me
for us

and its worse cause even with that
im not angry with you
im angry for you

its like our roles are reversed
i would do the same for you
and you are doing the same for her

a friend says
the truth sucks
but its his choice
a choice he has decided to stubbornly stick through
even at the expense of destroying his life
so you have to accept it

i cant.

i cant.
i cant watch you drive urself off the cliff
knowing i wont be there to catch you.


sue says
thats what ppl do when they lose something impt to them
they try and get replacements
they think that every other person they meet
they can make it work as long as they try
they think they can have as meaningful relationships as the one they lost
they think that it can be replaced
just like that
so they try and make smthg tts not what it is, into smthg its not

so let him do it
tts why he can be like tt
cos he believes he can get this meaningful, better relationship

so i was nothing?

No
but you tried so hard
you worked at it
and it was easy for him in the sense, it was already meaningful

i mean for guys, a relationship provides emotional meaning for them
once they dont have a girl in their life
they start looking for meaning
He lost you
so he's trying to recreate this meaning
with her
obviously, its not very successful

all that made so much sense
its making me cry


everyone says
let him do it
he has to
only after he has done it
lost it
saw the true meaning of it all
den he will realize
and he will cherish

its a lesson he has to learn

somedays i hate you
i wish that everyone will hate you too
but most of the time
i wish that you will smile
that smile
that i miss
and i wish that all ur friends will support you
listen to you
even if its ur rants about her
i wish they could help you
even if its helping you and her
i wish ur parents will take care of you
buy you ur meals
iron ur clothes for you
its a confusing state of mind

where i dont want you happy
but i cant bear to see you sad

your favourite pair of hands
will no longer be the small stumpy ones of mine
but those of hers with weird fingers

and that hurts

someday
when looking at thumper and thumpee doesnt hurt
when walking past xin wang doesnt hurt
when walking past flesh imp doesnt hurt
and so many more.

i miss you.
i hate you.

But Dear God
Please help him ok.
i dont have a solution
so i wont ask for one.
But help him.

and help me too.

i am so tired.
so very tired.

i really didnt know
that you could miss someone you hate.

now.
i really do hate you.

i was sad for you

angry for you.

then i hated you.


this really hurts.

when the fuck are u gonna get out of my mind.

almost as if to ascertain my previous post.
u updated.

so screwed up.
and im so angry.

this time a lil bit more for myself.

this time a lil bit more of hurt for myself.

ARGH.

WHY IS IT LIKE THAT.
so angry that i dont even have appetite for dinner.
granted that it was a super lousy beef rice la.
thank God for super sweet kopi o peng.

in mandarin at that.
what the hell
and why are u apologizing.

3 times in a day somemore.

if i was any weaker.
i think i would have died.

my brain's going mad from all this anger and bullshit.

PAYROLL PAYROLL
BONUS BONUS.
get back to it minsy.
NOW GO.

so obviously you dont care anymore.
with ur fb missing her updates running rampant on ur page.

but fortunately.
for the right or wrong reasons.
i dont feel that sad anymore.

but i dont think its entirely right anyway.

think most of my heart/emotions/mind is going towards the wrong direction.
a direction that's none of my business.

i do feel sad.
still the odd feeling of super bui gam wan.
the heart still aches.
that you are trying so hard with someone.
till ur emotions are haywire.
like wtf. u are willing to try so hard with her.
so god damn hard.
with HER.

but surprisingly.
what rules my head now is not sadness. not misery.
but anger.
and this anger is not even for myself!
its for you!
FOR YOU MY DEAR FRIEND.

i dont know whether you can see.
but she's obviously twirling u around her lil red manicured finger.

the scary thing is not only that maybe you cant see.
but the scariest scariest shit is
you CAN see
but u allow urself to be twirled around

dropped.
picked up.
dropped again.

just like a fisherman.
fishing.
u bite the hook.
she reels you in.
pats the lil fish.
kisses the lil fish.
give it a lil food.
just a lil.
not too much.
just to keep u alive.
keep u interested.
lets you swim ard a lil in her lil red bucket of water.
den oh.
fishy is so boring.
throw back into the big wide sea.
but she hangs a lil piece of bait on the hook.
so that u will bite on.
no matter how hard it is to bite on in the sea.
den when shes bored and she doesnt mind playing with fishy again.
she reels u in again.

She will have u by her side when she wants some warmth, some company, some laughs, some entertainment.
but that's all.

i mean really.
since when were you the kind that took shit from pple.
since when did u tolerate bullshit from people.
since when did u allow someone to do all this to u.
since when did u think that this was all ok

Look at ur dear best friend
with his wife that you dislike.
why do you dislike her.

and now you're following in the footsteps of your best friend.

now isnt that scary.

and the reason why im not feeling as sad is because
my emotions are largely taken over by anger, indignation, and just pure wtf-this-is-total-ridiculous-bullshit feelings.
i feel so angry
angry for you.
that u allow someone like her to thwart your emotions left right centre

and you know whats the main reason?
take this as my perception.
take this as my assumption.
take this as my views from my understanding of you (which may be wrong cause i may not know you.)
its not love that's bounding you tight
its not even lust. (not largely anyway)
its a crazy unwavering nutcase foolish stubborness
a crazy rebellion to make it work.
a determination to prove everyone wrong
a stubborness to stick through ur choice

thats totally insane isnt it.
totally totally insane.

失落沙洲


又回到这个尽头我也想再往前走

只是越看见海阔天空

越遗憾没有你分享我的感动


我不是一定要你回来

只是当又一个人看海

回头才发现你不在

留下我迂回的徘徊


我不是一定要你回来

只是当又把回忆翻开

除了你之外的空白

还有谁能来教我爱


我不是一定要你回来

只是当又一个人看海

疲惫的身影不是我

不是你想看见的我


我不是一定要你回来

只是当独自走入人海

除了你之外的依赖

还有谁能教我勇敢


除了你之外的空白

还有谁能来教我爱

Im finally up here. at the Tokyo Tower.
bright lights around me.
just like fallen stars from the sky.

i am here. finally here.
to complete a dream we both dreamt about.
but alone.
just me.

you always said. we still have lots of time.
we have eternity with each other.
and you will wait for me.

but i never knew there may be no forever after tomorrow.

With every breath i take, my heart aches.
This is how missing you feels like.
it lives inside me within me everywhere in me.
it is me.

Humming a song you like is painful.
reading a letter you wrote is painful.
even Silence is painful.

Regret is painful.
It hurts with every breath you take.
The pain flows in your blood, your veins, your body.

Regret not being caring enough hurts
Not truly understanding you, knowing you hurts.

Not being able to see you when i miss you
the most painful of all.


Never saw the misery in ur eyes
Such stubborness in loneliness.
you let me free
let me fly
but you wait back there
all trapped and alone.

You never told me that you were weak.
You needed me to depend on too.
And so
i pretended i didnt know
and chucked the worries aside
and i went my way.


i promise to never lie about us again.
ill hug you as tight as i love you.
Every smile i smile is fake.
i drift along like like a mindless soul.
If only you were here.

i promise to never let u wait again.
Be with you wherever you go whatever you want.

im becoming more and more like a shell
afraid of getting touched

If only we could turn back the clock
i just want you back.

painful.

excruciating.

i never can understand.

its not fair.

really.
super unfair.

today's not gonna be a good day.


its ur choice.
ur life
to move.
love.
miss.

it really is.

cause everyone has the choice.
to choose to be happy.
even if its at the expense of another person.

everyone has the choice.
to be selfish,

everyone has the choice.
to look for better things.

i dont blame u.
kind of.
how can u blame someone for wanting to be happy.

i just blame myself.

tonight.
allow me this.
just one teeny moment.
before i sleep.

it may not be the same tomorrow.
but for tonight.

no matter whether u're meeting her or not.
whether im in ur hrt or not.
i wish you well.
may everything go on well and smoothly for you.
may work be less cumbersome. performing be more fun. customers less irritating. less alcohol to drink. lesser mistakes. more laughs. better sleep. sweet dreams.
may there be a smile on ur face.

good night.

just got back from a night out with the smu buds.
its been a nice night out. yesterday too.
laughed so hard with my colleagues. pple had to shhh us.
even though worries were stuck at the back of my mind.
just like that time at steamboat. where someone actually threw water down at us to shut us up.
im just glad i was doing something on a tues night.

just chilling.
drinking. snacking. laughing.
but aye. wherever i go. there will still be lil parts of you.
unless i intend to avoid the world.

so i just have to face it.

we went there with ridge before.
3rd day of cny i rem.
did u know.
now they have tents. cool.

the guitarist there. ur friend.
bah. luckily he didnt recognize me.
den i saw that random drummer from soap.

seriously still everywhere.

but as she sang.
acoustic style.
i couldnt help but get drawn to her voice.
the songs
the lyrics.
she even smiled at me.

i could get used to this.

just going somewhere watching some nice live band.

drinking a beer.

even alone.

that would be nice.

i saw their wedding invitation.

nice. nice to know ppl still end up together.

i wonder.

what made u low.

but im glad uve gotten out of it. whatever it is.

i am.

for now at least.

sincerely glad.

maybe you have learnt somehow to sort out ur thoughts.

no longer the same confused stressed lil boy are you?

im glad for you. truly.

today i read the first entry i posted.

the first one since the long hiatus.

and boy have i moved from then.

yes it still hurts.

but i guess its of a different nature. different source. different intensity.

and i wondered.

how would things have been different.

but hey. minsy. stop using brain cells on this kinda crap. (lynn says)

stop analyzing everything u see. u read.

yeayea. its true.

i cant stop my brain from working hard

but yea ill stop myself from over thinking.

i will.

presenting my new best friend, Beary!

Hes labelled Teddy. but i like beary more. haha.

i like how hes a lil distorted. a lil not as cute. a lil imperfect.

i like how he smiles everywhere he goes.

even when i accidentally crush him under my laptop

i like how he likes to sprawl on my table like a star.

just like me. haha.

whenever im a lil sad.

i jsut have to look at him.

spread hands wide on the table.

with that silly smile.

ill smile and pat him.