lots of jumbled up thoughts in my mind.
some tears.
some smiles.

shall internalize it all.
breathe minsy.

another story for another day.

at the end of it all.
i still had a good time.

and that's all that matters.

i think.
i dont know how else.
what else.

Thank you God.


what i wanted to say was
i wish it was as easy as it is.
i wish i could
find a Tom Dick or Harry. (ok maybe not.)
i wish i was less resilient, less determined, less tough.
i wished maybe i loved you less.
ok maybe not. ok maybe yes.
AIYAH. so confusing.

even after everything.
im still standing strong here.

madness!

ok too confusing already.

nitenite.
love you.
still.

missing somebody

its been a long while since we spoke.
think one of the things i miss the most is talking to you.
when i see something funny
when something makes me angry
when i see something tt makes me cry
i realized i have nobody to drop a random sms to anymore.

dinner at grannys today was funny.
had homemade popiah.
where everyone wraps their own popiahs.
fun.
i had 2.
and more vege.
full to the maxxx.

my uncle bought some really old photos from the aljunied house
when my dad was in secondary school.
when a photo of my aunts was passed around.
it had all of aunts in it.
in their teenage years.
as my littlelest cousin stared at it.
i saw her eye well up with tears.
which she tried to mask.
ha.
such a family trait.
stoic.

i realized.
she.
may never ever get over her mom.

who does?

and i asked myself
what can i do?
nothing.

ah.
the sense of helplessness once again washed over me.

hate feeling helpless.

like fuck.
theres nothing i can do?
what nothing???
so i just stand here
and watch everything pass me by.
fucked up.
just like right now.

do you know what it is like to miss someone
someone far from ur reach
someone whos constantly at the back of ur mind
who pricks ur lil heart
and makes tears come to ur eyes
someone who makes you smile too
when a sweet memory comes a knocking.

i wish her peace.
and happier thoughts.
i wish tt when she sees her mom again.
she wont cry
but she will smile at those sweet memories

one doesnt practise what she preaches.
i wish myself that too.

its not the same.
but maybe.
ill never get over the feelings of missing you too.

i stared at it.
and wondered.

how have things changed?

are my darlings still there?
oh dear they haven't had a bath in ages.

what about the bottle with the tickets of memories?

and of course many more.



but ah. its okay.

dinner with e scorpions was v reflective.
while they "YAHeddd" at each other.
i went like "BUTTTT"

reflective.



for any of you that are interested!
im eating well again.
at least MUCHH better then way before.

maybe den my jeans will stop falling off!



Retail therapy works wonders.
spent quite a bit today at ALDO and Watsons.
how i loved shoppin at Watsons with you.

u know
i didnt really shop alot
cause i wanted to save my pennies for that special dinner, that special day, that special gift, that special holiday.



im okay! just needed a break from work.
and my ever active processing brain.

wondering too much.
thinking too much.
you said ask. and ask i did.



its Friday tomorrow.

避风塘

was procrastinating like mad for the past 2 weeks
because i was in the dumps
now work's piling up like mount everest.
thank God im quite efficient when i want to be.

when times get tough like right now
i wish you were here.
to dispense a hug.
Did you know?
Hugs chase away all weariness.

no matter how bad things got in the past
all i needed was a hug
a pat on the head
a sweet endearment
and i felt rejuvenated all over again.
to strive on.

i always hoped to be that too.
to be the sunshine
to light up your darkest hours.
the sparkle in ur life.
the reason in the midst of chaos.


but i may not have been.


Today's
the 100th day.

There's no significance in the number 100.

but somehow i remember.

but this 100th day.
i feel ok. really quite ok.
ate alot today(comparatively). ABC soup, chocolates, fishnchips, nuggets.
For whatever reasons. good or bad. im not sure myself.

Saggis are known to think.
to write. to be wise. to be philosophical. thoughtful. logical.
think im just in one of those moods.


Am still waiting on the other side of the rainbow.

Today while chatting with one of my colleagues
horoscopes came up

one of them was like a horoscope fanatic
she knew the characteristics of each horoscope like the back of her hand
who they cant get along well with and etc.

and she turned to me and asked

"What are you?"
"I'm Saggi!"
"Oh! no wonder we get along well! You shld go find a Aries boyfriend ok!"

and then i gave her a stunned look.
and smiled. ok. clueless colleague. haha.
and asked her,

"why lei? aries not the only fire sign what! i know its fire fire right den good match."
"no lor! u just go google if you want, like the best match. aries and saggi ah. super good one."

and then she went onnn and onnn. like how aries are natural leaders, dominating ppl which will piss the shit out of the other pple. but saggis are like adaptable, amiable ppl that will just fit well with them. Both signs will have lots of adventure and excitement together because they both love happening spontaneous lives.

and she went on...

true?

bah. horoscopes.


craving for starbucks.
ikea.
and a movie.

okbacktowork.
bye.

if you had five minutes left...

tired.
have a mountain of work to conquer.

need a break
some chillax
and some laughs

a hug wont harm too.



packing posters.
i realized
wow
i watched most of them.

every poster my colleague picked out
i was like
"oh i watched that."
"oh i slept through that."
"oh man, that was a lame show."

madness.
so many.

u know.
i never watched movies much.
thought it was an anti social activity
that was way too expensive.

and see! where am i now.
a movie fanatic.
and YOU are to blame.

hahaha.



a friend commented today.

it takes alot to understand and make out the conclusions you have come up with.
the resolutions you have decided to follow through.
but it takes more to carry them through.

do i have the courage to?

i think i do.
with a little help.


Dear God,

Today, amongst all the other pple you're helping through.
Help me too.
i know you're always around, casting a watchful eye on me, guiding me.
but today. can i just be a little selfish and ask you for one wish?

i miss home.

while watching xing guang
many songs caught my heart
made me stop, pause, listen

lyrics are v impt to a song.
not just the words chosen
the pauses in between

the intricacies of the song
allow you to imagine an exact scenario
just by listening to a song

in ur mind
you can prob see the people
their clothes
the lone road
monochrome, colour
the drizzling rain
the tear at the corner of the eye
the smile
the huge sobs
the hugs
the stolen glances
the linked hands

this song struck a chord in me.

i am home.
but i guess where i miss
and where i want to go
is another home.
a home. where my heart was filled.
where my smiles were aplenty.

Betcha didnt know.
its been.
100 days.

想家

为什么一定要长大
为什么世界变得好复杂
我不想独自面对眼泪流下
我只想紧紧抱着他

为什么一定要长大
为什么都不说出真心话
我不想别人看穿我的倔强
我真的好想要回家

我真的好想要回家



i know i sound melancholic
but im okay. really.
i guess.
i just miss home.

when i say..

oooo..i like.

Wistful thoughts on a Sunday evening

it was nice.
to really laugh.
and enjoy the company like friends do.

i realized it was really strange calling out to you.

cause i never really called you by ur name much.
thats why its really strange and weird calling u by name.
weird awkward.

today's the 24th.
there's a sense of wistfulness.
but its okay!
these dates. are mere numbers.
mere days.

love.
does not go around mere numbers.

i worry.
i fear.

but really
i shouldnt.

i will just love.

♥♥♥

theres so many things i shld do.
check out my laptop warranty, register for my driving basic, and a million other things.
amongst that, i would like to check out the bodyworlds exhibition and a million other movies.
get a magharita, a starbucks to drink.

♥♥♥

yesterday
my little cousin cried

while everyone was helping out with her homework
(she just started sec sch)
when she told my aunt to help her draw something
i blurted out
dont help her. dont always help her. let her try and do herself first.
because i wanted her to learn to be independent.

and she cried.

maybe it was her mom.
if my aunt was ard.
she would have helped her.

and i felt like crying too.

im sorry.
really am.

i dont know if it was me.
but still i am.

as she teared.
her dad came by and asked why
and he looked at her cry.

and i realized
his heart must have been breaking for his lil daughter too.

being a traditional chinese family
we never spoke openly about moving on with her
we never did
and as her death anniversary looms near
we are all reminded of that fateful day
we lost one of our loved ones.

Dear God, Dear Ergugu

im sorry
i didnt do a good job
i promise to try harder
i promise to bring her to swensens like i promised
i promise ill bring them prawning the next chance i have

and i promise to keep my promise to you

Please look after her
and the rest of them.
they know they have us.
but i know sometimes thats just not enough.

give them warmth, comfort and peace.

Thank You.

My Heart.

this sat afternoon
i woke up with a splitting headache
all i had was a daiquiri!
which was delish!

love mojitos, daiquiris and magharitas!

last saturday
i may have woken up
depressed
mopey

but this saturday
its all good

no things have not changed.
but maybe i have changed.
no i have not changed.
but something's changed.

some things in life.
you cant change.
esp matters of your heart.
who you love.
who you cant love.

so deal with your love.

cause seriously
just as blonde bluntly put it.
how bad can it get.
if she were to plot the entire happenings on a timeline.
it really cant get any worse.
u have gone thro every single kind of BS possible.
and though shes glad i did.
she has no idea how i wake up in the mornings and go thro the happenings of life.
but if i could
and i did.
the only way's up!!!

frankly
i have no idea how long these feelings of peace will last.
but for as long as they do.
ill enjoy each min of it.

i have lost so much weight my jeans no longer fit me well.
that sucks!

mich wrote this phrase yest
"my eyes might not always be set on u, but my heart will always be"
beautiful. brilliant.
a tinge of tragic-ness though.
i hope i never have to move there. but who knows?
the eyes part. the heart part.
lets take it a step at a time yea.

i do wish still.
esp on lonely nights.
friday nights. saturday nights. sundays.
that i had you by my side.

i do wish still.
that things will work out between us.
in a twinkling of the eye.

but i do know you too.
ur space. ur time.
you can have them all.
and i hope you smile at the end of it all.
and come back for me
at the end of the rainbow.

ill be good.

Dear God,
Thank You.

balance

as i was chatting with li yest
i told her

actually hor i shld have accumulated alot of karma
i donate money to charities when i see worthy ones
i buy tissue from those old women (only worthy ones! not from young pple. den again i buy them a little too often. im like their main customer.)
so often that my bag has like 5 packs of tissue

why like that ah.

she said
you also bitch about ppl
gossip
say mean things about pple (only bout ppl i dont like!)
say vulgarities a bit too much
broke hearts (unwittingly!)

plus minus
balance already lor!

oh man.
fml.

小手拉大手

this song makes me bounce like a little imp
side to side
up and down

*bounce bounce*

makes me feel like running towards the great sunshine
where rainbows are at the side
wind blowing in my hair
on the lush green turf!

ill be in jeans
a white tee
and a flower in my hair

我們小手拉大手　今天加油　向昨天揮揮手

play it!

Stranded

搁浅

久未放晴的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过 却无法掩埋歉疚

风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线 复习你给的温柔

暴晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎么会 怎么会 你竟原谅了我

我只能永远读着对白
读着我给你的伤害
我原谅不了我
就请你当作我已不在

我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖
我很快就离开

最熟悉的陌生人

就是这样 对 这样
看着你走

like an auctioneer
going once. going twice. gone.

there's absolutely no point.
but it gives me peace. weird sort of peace.



i suppose
i really should leave things up to God.

What's meant to be
will be.



The gaping hole in the heart?
Nah. its cool.
I'll fill it up.



吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

吃不能吃 睡不能睡

Go. Run. Hide.

The pouring rain.

its been a while since i got caught in the pouring rain.

as my shoes got wet, my leggings got soaked.
i felt this urge to just dance in the rain with reckless abandon.
a devil may care attitude.
fuck you if you think im weird.
fuck off.

but i didnt.

i felt this sudden want to just huddle myself in a corner
and
crying.

with the rain falling.

i wanted to be saved.


a colleague who found out i had broken up just yesterday said,
i couldnt tell at all. no wonder you lost so much weight. you're damn strong.
i said.
no im not.
she said.
but this 3 mths. all i see is you looking prettier. laughing louder. smiling more. i really couldnt tell. you are so strong.
i laughed it off. and told her im much better now.

what i didnt say was,
Its easier when you have to put up a front. like there's a reason for you to put up a front. so you dont allow urself to crumble. u live behind this front you put up. this front with nice clothes, nice hair, makeup and lots of laughter.

and somehow inside
you hope to believe that this front may actually be true.
and the broken up you will just disappear.

Karma

just had the funniest convo ever with a JC senior, Dodz.

im glad my blog is kinda private. haha. so i can blog about it!

Dodz was one of the ppl i met on a regular basis for weekly secret rendezvous back in JC.
we would meet once a week, same time, at a secret place.

the council room!

cause we had free periods. i didnt need to take chn cause i did decently for higher chinese in Os. haha. and we always slacked in the council room to nap. hahaha.

we had a strange sort of friendship. and we talked bout all sorts of crap. about his life, my life, results, crushes. but everything we spoke about stayed within the 4 walls. it started off as occasional den it became eh lets meet to bitch. we had a steady sort of friendship.

his best friend back then, as most of my jc buds would know, was GA. who was my orientation facilitator. whom i had a lil crush on during first 3 mths. we had a lil thing going on. i tot i liked him! i really did. he was a sweet boy. i remembered he even noticed i changed my ear studs. how amazing is that. i tot he would be the second bf after ivan. until the day i got my Olevel results. when i was happy. when i received messages at the same time from him and my ex bf, ivan (whom im friends with now!). i realized i didnt give two hoots about GA. it was always ivan.

so i ended if off with GA.

and broke his heart.
i dint think i broke it that much.
but apparently i did.

which reminds me now.
i think im getting karma now for breaking his heart. =(

i knew for a while he was still into me.
cause i joined council after.
and all e council seniors seemed to know me by name.

but hey it was only 3 mths!
and we didnt even go on any date i think!
it was lots of OG outings and smses only!

so i din think the crush lasted.
we didnt talk much anyway after their council stepped down.

and..

i just found out that.
he had a major crush one me all throughout.
"stalkerish" as put by dodz.

GA didnt talk to dodz for almost 1 yr.
cause he tot dodz was interested in me.
and they were best friends! same class! sit side by side sort!
OH MAN. total madness
i would never fall for an indian dude. hahaha.

and that there was one time in uni.
i bumped into dodz and GA aft class one day.
its was dodz first year in smu. GA was in nus.
i dont recall this at all until dodz told me.
but..
GA found out frm Dodz i was in smu
and they planned to bump into me
and waited at the biz block for me.
oh man. and i rem GA saying (as Dodz kindly reminded me),
You have grown fatter.
WTF.
hahaa.
cheebye.

den Dodz realized
oh man
GA's still bitter.

oh man.

all that info is all so amazing.

and despite the hilarity of it all.
im sorry i broke GA's heart.
really quite sorry.
though i dont really know how it all happened.

hes a nice decent boy.
i do hope hes happy now.

which is why im getting karma now.

bah.

same for G.
who's such a good friend and guy.
who's such a gentleman. helping me put earthworms as bait. plucking the prawns out for me. and i almost murdered him by flailing the prawns in his face.

who Gordon and Mich mercilessly remind me all the time of how when he got thrown into the pool during a class party. he didnt care about his wet phone, wet whatever but was frantically laying out this small piece of paper to dry on the bbq pit. and of cos Gordon had to go kaypoh and see.

it was one of those messages i had written out to all my council mates. like "study hard! good luck for exams!" that sort. i wrote alot of those msges to my council mates back in JC. all the time. it was nothing to me. but alot to him.

i never even gave G a chance.

so Dear G, im sorry i broke ur heart. in a little way.
i hope you find a nice girlfriend deserving of you! cause ure a good boy!
and im sure you will.

i always thought i was a nice person.
but after tonights convo with Dodz.

i dont think so anymore.

never thought i was the heartbreaker.



Guess that's why Karma is biting me back in my ass.

sigh.

Statistics

how many people in this world actually find the person?

we would never know would we.
no statistics.


how many people are married to people they think was the one person?

we never know would we.
cause ppl will never be honest.


how many ppl can truthfully say they have loved. with their whole being.

we would never know would we.
cause some ppl may never truly know what love is.


how many people actually have the courage to fight for that one person that you knew was the one? against everything? yes everything.

we would never know would we.
cause most dont.
the ones who do. may not have survived.


ill be that statistic.

其实爱情真的或许就是这样
是没有分是非对错的

是你错了吗
是

是我错了吗
是

所以呢
然后呢

就各自的伤心
落泪
然后倔强的

的确很复杂
但是是我们让一切变得复杂
是你
也是我

很多很多
太多

其实也没有很刻意的逼自己去遗忘
真是太珍贵了
舍不得

回忆逝去的笑容
回忆着一起分享的笑话
回忆着十指紧扣的双手
回忆着看过的电影
吃过的 喝过的
回忆着曾经有过的梦想
回忆着将来
回忆着勾勾手指对彼此的承诺

回忆着你大笑的样子 沉思的样子 担心的样子 生气地样子 装可爱的样子
回忆着你俏皮的脸庞
回忆着你在额头上轻轻的一个吻
回忆着在你鼻头上轻轻的一个吻
回忆着你熟睡的模样
回忆着睡觉时有一双手绕着你 保护你
回忆着有人轻轻的帮你把枕头移好 然后盖上被子
回忆着握着你的大拇指

太多太多

全都好清晰

越是清晰
越是令人想念
心酸酸的

或许就像那首歌曲

记忆有限
所以才会淘汰坏的

好想你
真的好想你

i like flowers.

not the huge lavish bouquets.
those are too much.

not the small cute ones.
those remind me of weddings.

i like small bunches

most of all
i like singular stalks of roses.

no other sidekicks surrounding it
no plastic wrapping it.

maybe a singular ribbon.

simple and nice.


guess that says alot about me.

the power of languages.

love writing
esp when im down.

it seems like writing my thoughts
and emotions down
soothes and comforts me.

both english and mandarin.
different tools for different days.

thats why i love songs.

when i was at my lowest.
i had my friends yes.
but songs comforted me like no other.

the lyrics spoke to me.

just like how quotes do too.

the effect was temporary most of the time.
but good enough.

tonight i feel like writing something too.

maybe i shall.

View your entire conversation history with this contact

hmmm. why not.


wow.

from the sweet msns. not that many cause it was my new com.
watching gforce.
bunnies.

to the scary ones.
the ones that we were screaming at each other
with angry exchanges
desperation anger despair

ok.
i stopped scrolling down after the first ten sentences.

didnt need to recount those i suppose.



i guess.
its better this way isnt it?

ponders.

In Veritate Et Caritate

yesterday the trip back to CJC was really memorable
in so many ways.

as we walked to where the old SC room.
where the mirrors were
to assembly area
the flagpoles where mich and me will always raise the flag

where we looked up everyday
where the ppl saying the pledge and singing the sch song stood
(i never did in my entire council life. stage fright! did alot of flag raising!)
there was a verse that was imprinted there.
in big printed white words
it never did mean anything much.
but it meant alot as i stared hard at it.

Remember you're in the presence of God.

such a wake up call yes?


as the night's proceedings went on.
Brother ended it off with his speech.

earlier on.
one of the old students said something about admiring Brother for his celibacy and what not. (YA I KNOW!)
the entire hall gasped!
haha.

and in his speech he went like,
I have been celibate for 60 years and im loving it, looking at some of the problems you ppl have with women.
major LOL moment. hahaah.


Besides all the reminders
that God's really watching over me.
in one way or another.

the day reminded me alot of my youth years.

how i just decided to take the plunge and go to CJC.
everyone ard me went to TJC, TPJC, VJC.
there were less than 10 ppl from my school in CJC.
out of which i knew none.

when i did fine in Os and could choose to leave.
i didnt
i took a leap of faith.
i somehow knew, despite its bad rep
i knew this would be the school for me.

and im really glad i did.
i joined students council
had so much fun (admidst drama. hoho.)

the crazy orientations.
the screaming cheering.
the late nights spent painting banners. packing the council room.
discussing on events.
lobbying for valentines day celebrations
the night study sessions
all spent with my lovely council mates.

those were the days.

i tried to recall how i was back then.
thats like 7,8 years back.
and i remember i was a cheerful bubbly girl with such a bright optimism for life and what it had in store for me.

how nice.


As we sang the school song for the last time.
ah.
nice.

In Veritate Et Caritate
In Truth and In Love.

Thank you CJC
Thank you Brother Paul.

Remember you're in the presence of God

had a really nice day out.
had alot on my mind.
but its nice to take a break from myself.

as i travelled back, i was on the TPE.
and i passed back punggol.

and waves of memories came.

nice punggol. beehoon. walks to punggol plaza for dvds, bubble tea and cheap jap food.

those were good times, werent they?


Brother said in his speech today.

Life's not easy.
its not meant to be easy.
but wherever each and everyone of you will be and may be.
whatever challenges you face.
i want you all to remember one thing.
the same thing you looked at each morning during assembly.
and that is.
Remember you're in the presence of God.
remember hes around no matter what.

Bubbly

this song.
sent a tingly effect down my spine.

the nice bubbly feel.

such a nice song.
and the lyrics.
wow.

how is it possible that they know exactly how you feel?

genius.

on loop.




I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I'll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

the laughter

theres this void in the heart.
that longs to be filled.

but not by just any tom dick or harry.


there are things i miss everyday.
from places to food to words to things to actions.


This came from a friend's FB.

"You have the heartiest laughter, it fills the room and is infectious - Even in my most pissed off, angriest moments, i can't help but to laugh along with you ♥ "


and i couldnt help but smile as i remembered the high pitched laughter.
and its effect on me.

and i wondered if i had the same effect.

the void.

Today something made me really angry. so angry. that if I were a dragon in medieval times, I would have spouted fire.

ROAR.

but I breathed. rationalized.

okay.
okay.

go distribute the pears.



I re read the tweets.
maybe.
maybe.

ill get the answers someday yes.

blind stupid faith.
but my heart tells me.
to do it again.

so do it I will.

what a risk.

but no pain, no gain.

one more time.



time's a relative concept.
fast slow quick long short.

it’s my gift to you.

let this wait be worth it dear God.
let this patience work out.
let me know.

ill fill the void.



I said this to somebody today.
and when I typed it out.
I realized how much it applied.
and how heartbreaking it was.
ouch.

"It sucks the most when two people are so in love. But they refuse to let their love work for them."

as i walked home today.
this song went on repeat.
this exact one.

from cityhall mrt
right to my doorstep.

maybe it was the night.
maybe it was the walk.
maybe it was the air.
maybe it was the heart.
maybe it was me.

the tears fell uncontrollably.

photo 1

my com desktop was overflowing with icons I had accumulated. totally no more empty space for another doc. so i started the cleaning up. deleting. moving them into folders.
word documents, excels, pdfs I had saved on desktop for convenience.

as I was deleting them.
there was one word doc called photo 1.

and I wondered. whats this? maybe some employee photo I forgot to save.

I opened it.

I tink I typed it out cause I had the impulse back then to throw the photo away.
but I never did.
its still where it was.


"Baby, our lives may change but my heart is set on you. I wanna haf you in my arms at the end of the day, and hold you until I die. We have a long-winding road to go on. But dun give up on us. And I assure you that we will be tgt forever. I love you buns."


reading it made me cry.

I havent done so in a while.

and with that I allowed myself 5 mins of reading. reminiscing. indulging in the times we were.

just five. not any longer. as I saw the clock tick down to one min. I closed the document.


words are cheap.
or are they?


with that.
ill wait.

not too long sweets. not too long.

Sun is bright.
with bursts of light
streaming in through from the right.

But.

Heart is cold.
like a piece of coal.
a broken soul.

You would never know.

Toss and Turn.
I yearn.
but I am spurned.

So there you go.
away from the glow.
I'd say 'don’t go'

But no.

as i suddenly jolt awake

the thoughts that invade my mind


no.


the invisible hand that controls and manipulates me and my thoughts.


no.


hate this.


i really dont wanna hang on anymore.



i needa run.
away.
far away.
fly.
away.

wont you take my hand and run with me.

i thought i was giving up on you.
giving up on us.

pretenses aside.
smiles aside.
facades aside.

i realized.

no.

i was giving up on myself.

我不是你想像那么勇敢

today.

i feel like burying my head in between my knees.
with my arms embracing me.

allowing myself a good hard cry.

and giving up.

Organizers.

every new year.

ill do this same thing.


change organizers.


ill shift info from the last years organizer to this years.

the important dates. the passwords. the contacts. the necessary info and formulas.

this year I managed to get one chio leather bound one from northeast cdc (yes I know.haha.)



back in school. I always had pretty ones from Prints. terence used to get me for my bday.

and every year ill flip through it and see the kind of rubbish I noted down for the whole year.

as I flipped through my 2009 organizer. admist all the colleagues bdays, to do lists, deadlines, projects. there were so many smiley faces.


KL Trip! smiley faces on every 24. simon bunny's bday. take leave today to go sentosa? on leave! yay! all ur gigs. all ur shows. sweden! pay laptop installments!

and as I jotted down on my new 2010 organizer. (I note down my whole office's bdays, I like to send them bday emails!) I paused at ur bday date.


i hope you liked ur xmas present.

i wish to provide you with the emotional support.
but i know its not mine to give.
and its not enough.


Dear God,

Thank you for answering my prayers.
Thank you.

You said, Ask and it shall be given.
Tonight i ask for you to grant him the wisdom and and enlightenment he requires.
to provide him with strength to persevere.
guide him. hold his hand.
let him feel the comfort and peace.
to have a restful sleep tonight.

Take care of him.

Thank you.

Amen.

the video made me tear.

complete with the couples.
and the tearing singles.

"我喜欢大家因为爱而勇敢"

its late.

sleeping in a foreign place.
a foreign bed.
doesnt agree with me.


i just realized

that i din eat much today.

had a cinnamon roll when i woke up cause i was feeling super lightheaded.

like the world was whirring around me w every step i take.

din think it would be good passing out before i reached the doctors. ha.


i totally lost my appetite after that.

a few pieces of chicken to pacify my parents.

thankfully i had the internet thing as a smokescreen.


inside me.
im really fuming.

even up till now.

as i work hard in trying to finish up my work.

i cant help but steal a few glances at the page.


im really baffled.
ridiculous isnt it.

so scary.

im really really scared now.

kiss and make up.

have you wondered why we cant do the same.

Innocent until proven guilty

sometimes when u put ur pretenses on long enough.
u kinda trick urself into thinking you're okay.

sometimes i jus feel like bursting into tears.
but no i wont.

hope my sixth sense is not right this time.

read this somewhere today
and yes
Innocent until proven guilty.

Alll my life

the song all my life's blasting downstairs.

used to love the song alot!
how nice.
cause of the melody
and the words
and when i first heard it
i didnt have a love of my own.
so i tot.
it will be nice to find that love.
a love so strong.
the one. the love.

some people wait all their lives
hoping to find that person
that connects.
fits all the jigsaw parts of you.
knows you inside out like the back of their hands.
completes ur sentences.
loves you accepts you embraces each and every part of you, good and bad.
the lovely, the sweet, the unglam, the naughty.

not everyone finds theirs.
i found mine.

enjoy this.




I Will Never Find Another Lover
Sweeter Than You
Sweeter Than You
And I Will Never Find Another Lover
More Precious Than You
More Precious Than You
Girl You Are..
Close To Me You're Like My Mother,
Close To Me You're Like My Father,
Close To Me You're Like My Sister,
Close To Me You're Like My Brother
And You Are The Only One My Everything
And For You This Song I Sing....

All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I..That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Hope That You Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

I'd Send You All That I'm Thinking Of........Baby

Said I Promise To Never Fall In Love With A Stranger
You're All I'm Thinking Of
I Praise The Lord Above
For Sending Me Your Love
I Cherish Every Hug
I Really Love You

All My Life (Ohhhh..Baby, Baby)
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I...That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Hope That You Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

You're All That I Ever Know,
When You Smile All My Face Always Seems To Glow,
You Turned My Life Around,
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down,
You're All That I've Ever Known,
When You Smile My Face Glows
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down
Say...You're All That I've Ever Known
When You Smile My Face Glows
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down
And I Hope That You
Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

And All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I..That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I ..That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

And All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God That I...That I Finally Found You.....

theres a light breeze in the air today.
fortunately its not raining.

may the light breeze.
bring you comfort.
and smiles.

it must be really tiring.

to and fro to and fro.

take good care of yourself.
and sleep enough already.
caffeine is not gonna last you forever.

and cut down on those drinks la.

otherwise not only ur liver is gonna suffer. u will look shittier too.


its a hard period.
hang in there.
the pot of gold's at the end of the rainbow.
jiayou.

你是爱我的


同样的一场日落
同样你还是没说
只是抱紧我
时间一到就松手

你用一万个理由
都比沉默还温柔
为什么爱我又不断退后
你害怕的是什么
你想要的是什么
站在你背后
我连呼吸都痛

我要 相信你是爱我的
我要 相信你是勇敢的
我烦 时间是最残酷的
我怎么等

我要 相信你是爱我的
不要 当我每次唱情歌
眼里总有太多泪
不停拉扯

我用一万个答案
解释我们的距离
到最后发现我全都猜错
你害怕的是什么
你想要的是什么
站在你背后
我连呼吸都痛

我要 相信你是爱我的
我要 相信你是勇敢的
我烦 时间是最残酷的
我怎么等

我要 相信你是爱我的
不要 当我每次唱情歌
眼里总有太多泪
不停拉扯

你怀里有太多问号
告诉我怎么依靠

我要 相信你是爱我的
我要 相信你是勇敢的
我烦 时间是最残酷的
我怎么等

我要 相信你是爱我的
不要 当我每次唱情歌
眼里总有太多泪
不停拉扯

got awoken by the parents.
and now i cant get back to sleep.

might as well yes.
since tmr needa work.

im such a huge procrastinator.


in this new year
i have a list of resolutions
but they are split into a few categories.
some is MUST DO. some MAYBE DO. some just put for fun.

haha.


its scary.
because my emotions just swing uncontrollably.
like some unstable person.

everyone seems to have faith in me.
that ill get thro this.
ill be well.
seems like my pretenses are working too damn well.

and some days
i do feel like i can.
put everything aside.
sweep them under the carpet
and live my life smiling and laughing like humans do.

some days i dont.

its like a nightmare
where everything possbily bad can happen will happen.

it feels like a dark rain cloud is above me.
and only unhappy thoughts invade my mind.
no rainbows in sight.

but no i will not show anybody this piteous side of me.
never will i.

i just feel like being a hermit
not taking to anyone.
all the MSNs that come popping by.
no no no no.

just like everyone else.
i have always thought i was strong.
but not strong enough.


if the heart beats according to how you feel.
my heart prob used to beat really fast
with a zest for life.
with love.

now it probably beats enough just to keep the blood running.

its like a monotonous life line.



maybe im meant to lead a life of reclusion.
just with my laptop for company.

very irritable and short fused today.

very.

may be the weather.
may be PMS.



feathers are ruffled.

not happy.

not.

loves ribena!!! =)

the normal kind and sparkling kind!

but they dont sell the sparkling kind in big bottles!



omg. i just remembered.
during crab dinner i downed 3 packets of ribena!

3 freaking packets!

explains the sugar rush at night i think.

hahaha.



one day if im rich.
ok wait. I WILL BE RICH.
no doubts abt that.
or at least get a rich husband.

ok getting carried away here.

but ill stock up my house with ribena!!!
both the normal kind and sparkling kind!



den ill always have ice cold ribena!!

woot!

hard love.

i know ive posted this before.
but good things.
are never too much.

right?

from the same melody that keeps playing on.
to the husky voice.
and of course the heartrending lyrics.

lovelove.

dont hesitate!
click on the PLAY.
and allow urself 4 minutes of zoned out time.

best enjoyed with ice cold beer me thinks.

hoho.



Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

Que Sera Sera

When i was just a little girl

i asked my mother, what will i be.

Will i be pretty

Will i be rich

Guess what she said to me.

Que Sera Sera

Whatever will be, will be.

The future's not ours to see.

Que Sera Sera

What will be, will be.

lets run.

i always feel better after talking about it.
always.

it feels like all the questions and worries i have come tumbling out.
and somehow a chart seems to kinda link things.
link link link. u cant do anything.
link link link. u have done everything you could.
link link link. u have no answer to this.
and well. yes. so if things happen they happen.
just like that song.
que sera sera. whatever will be will be.

God, please help.


i do know that these feelings of "ah fuck it, just let it be" wont actually last.
i do know that these feelings of "i think i can handle this. im not sad anymore" wont actually last.
and lastly i do know that these feelings of "you will just be a friend." wont actually last.

but for now that wll be it.
for as long as it lasts.


i feel ignored.
friend/morethanfriend/stranger/passing person in life/ random person/person you dislike.
whatever.
i feel ignored.
no it doesnt feel good.

but its okay.
if thats the way.
its okay.
if it makes you feel better.
easier to deal with things.
okay.

ill deal with it.

everyone needs time i suppose.
to deal with their inner demons.
escapism.

i do understand.

whatever the reason.

i still stick to what i said.
like i said.
it doesnt matter when it happens.
as long as you know that it must.
no matter whether it still works when the day it does.

till the time's right.
we wont.
we will keep it safe under our pillowcases.
and only think about it before we sleep.
at least we try.

the time must be right.
we wont know when.
at least i wont.
but yes. ill wait.

i dont want question marks, commas, semi colons.
i want sentences with full stops.
whether it works. or not.
i wanna continue with full stops.

till then. ill sit in the shadows.


till then. as promised from before.
ill give you ur space.
something maybe you felt you never had.
something you felt i never gave.

and i wish you well.
work's really hectic.
crazy colleagues.
crazy pple.
crazy times.
but you will do well.
sleep enough.
grit ur teeth.
and like u always said.
rock and roll over.
haha.

good sleep.
good friends.
good food.
good time well spent with less alcohol.



hard love.
but thats the way methinks.

原谅你

back home from a 4 hour supper with blonde.

love her.


shes how cute. was marvelling at the grey metal cup holding her hot tea. hahaa.


i just realized there are freaking alot of HK cafes in katong!


Thank God for nite owl friends.

Thank God. more importantly for friends.
Friends that will scold you, chide you, be angry with you, disagree with you.
but above all. pledge to stand by you no matter what decision you make.

Thank you all. for sticking thru my bullshit.



My nano's really dying on me. please dont die so soon k!

i really like jam hsiao's covers of many songs.
just that day. this song came on.

and i remembered.
how that fateful day when i lay on ur bed. waiting and waiting.
desperate for news of you.
desperate for anything of you.
i replayed the video of you singing this over and over again.

over and over again.



i do.

"God took seven days to make all the beautiful things known to Man. As long as you know how to treasure what you have. You will always be happy."

u know all throughout my childhood, even up till now.
i always had this same dream.

its the lamest.
but really very very real.

i could fly.


yes giggle all u want!



but no its not the flying sort like superman kind.
arm raised and off he goes.

i always have had the dream of like slowly suspending myself in mid air and slowly declining to the ground.

like say. if i jump off from high ground.
i can jump! and then ill slowly decline at a slow speed.
controlling the speed and direction at whcih i fall.

plus all the time i would still feel fear! that ill just drop and die!



in my dreams.
ill always feel fear
but always still have the courage to do so.

and it was always v real.
like i feel i could do that in real life.



nice.

dont know whats the point of this entry.

but i wish sometimes i had that kinda reckless faith.
bravery.
and somehow things will work out for me.

AHHH!

i napped my whole day away!

like a minute i would be at my laptop
next one in front of the teeevee.

next napping.

and it repeats the whole day!


for lack for a better word.
like a pig!!!

NEHNEH.


im gonna be up the whole night man!!!
=(

Where am i gonna find this many night owls!

Just like the new year has gone.
so has the courage.

gently slipped away.
like the breeze.

the unsent messages
the unsent msns.
the half typed message.
you'll never know.

in moments of weakness and blind courage.
where the messages actually do get sent out.
at just tt moment. when i click send. i usually close my eyes.

still
waiting in trepidation.
the unreplied smses.


take care today you!
dont drink so much.

happy new year. =)
huggies.

"i wont be able to bring you happiness. give u a normal life. make you happy. i will only bring you misery."

"and so like you said. you dont love me anymore. so why do you care. just go away. dont care about me anymore."

"this is the reason why. why i had to leave you. and bluff you that i didnt love u anymore. but i didnt expect you to be like this. i want you to move on. live ur life without me."

"what makes you think i would live on without you."

"dont do this. find someone else. find someone who'd love you more. treat u right. and make u smile."

"i cant. and i wont."

"you wont be happy with me. you deserve someone better. someone that will make you laugh."

"you are. and will always be the one that will make me smile. that i know. i know we will have lots of demons to conquer. of course we will. why can't we celebrate when we conquer the first demon. and we look forward with smiles and victory and conquer the next one that comes. but we will conquer all the demons together. not alone. never alone. we will make it through."

The curtain falls. with couple embracing with tears in their eyes.

this day last year.

we were on our way to KL.

you excitedly playing the PSP.
me snoozing beside you.


when we reached KL.
despite being super tired.
we were both high on excitement.

like yay! FINALLY!
on a trip together!
its KL but YAY!

arms linked and on we walked.


on toward.
and that i have always thought ill always walk on with you.

today's one of the days i'd rather be home.
in my comfy PJs.
surfing the net.
watching teevee.

a year back.
anywhere.
anywhere at all.
as long as im with you.

this year.
when i had a choice.

i chose to came home.


sometimes we all need that moment of silence.
serenity.
to give us the peace.
the need not to put on any more pretences.
to socialize with people you dont really give 2 hoots about.

i have enough friends already, thank you very much, to last for a lifetime.
will keep these close to my heart.


Happy New Year everyone i love.