Feb 14th

today's the 14th.

and no.
its not what ure thinking of.

its been.
3 years since u left.

its the same thing every year still.
but it gets easier each year i suppose.

the family has 14 ppl now. not 15.


last year
i remember when i went to see you.
i went with a pink gerbera
and a slice of your favourite honeydew.
most importantly.
i had him by my side.

i knew i really wanted to see you.
but not with family.
i wanted to be able to stand there and talk to you.
but i had no courage to do it alone.
it was him that gave me the courage.
though he may not have known then.

i told you.
amongst many other things.
that it was because of you.
i had the courage to take that step forward
and accept him into my life.
and i wanted you to see him.
this happiness you bought into my life.
and i wanted to thank you.
and i told you.
amongst many other things.
to bless him. and bless us.

and one year ahead.
look at where we are.

and i still dont have the courage to.


as we ate steamboat today.
actually for a long time coming.
at each of our family dinners.
steamboats.
i had always envisioned how you would fit in to the whole picture.
how u may slump on one of those chairs and watch tv maybe.
how you would join us in one of our lame games.
how the conversations will flow.
how the cousins will play with you too.
how you could be a part of this family bliss that i long for you to have.
i really wanted you to have.
the hustle the bustle
the sharing of food
the squabbling
the passing of food.


Because.
That's why.


Dear Er Gu gu,

This year. if i do go and see you.
im sure ill bawl in front of you.
and that wont be good.
cause ill be with the rest.
i dont have the courage to face you.

if i dont.
know that you will always be in my heart.
and ill keep my promise.
to the best of my ability.

i still miss you.
and ill always do.

够了

掉了


2 people
2 hands to clap
its a 2 way street.


its a weight too heavy
but i have strong shoulders to hold it up.

but.
i dont want to hold it up myself.
and
you shouldnt allow me or let me hold it up myself
you shld be running to my side to help me hold it up.
just like me.
running to ur side every single time to hold it up for you.

i may walk on this street forever
and ever.
with the strongest armour
the biggest rainbow umbrella

but i dont wanna walk alone.

Inside my first piggy bank

my first piggy bank.
haha. im so blur. the photos are in opposite order.

this is my first piggy bank.
pink and cute with animals.
i remembered how i loved the bunny on it.
so chubby fat and cute.
guess this is where my love for bunnies started.

i cut it open.
expecting to find a smattering of coins.
to donate to the zhang coin fund at the door.

but lo behold!
what treasures!

there was a strip of paper with my name.
oh man. such ugly hand writing.
lots of scraps of papers.
broken pieces of pencil lead.
random coloured pictures.
cut outs.

and the most significantly.
a hand-drawn coloured picture of a rainbow.
with many layers too!
imagine the effort i took to draw this rainbow.
so pretty and colourful!!
my love for rainbows started young too!

so much crap.
but every bit so dear.
i mean. i threw in so much crap.
like pencil lead. scraps of paper.
i asked my dad why did i throw so much rubbish inside!
den i think i knew.
cause i didnt have much money to save. but i like to save!
and feel the shiokness of saving!
so i threw in things to feel the shiokness of saving money.
like the shiokness of inserting things into it.

the things kids do.
such sweet memories.
of childish innocence.

ah. seriously.
i must have been a damn cute kid.
haha. yesyes. keep those vulgarities in you.

as i uploaded the pictures.
i remembered the day i messaged you in excitement.
it was pure excitement.
it was almost immediate.
like when i exclaimed at the contents.
took photos.
i thought about telling you pronto.
just like muscle memory.
why? i dont know. it was just that.

i miss my childlike innocence.
and my love for rainbows and bunnies.
i miss my life through rainbow tinted glasses.


And. To me. I think.
You will always be muscle memory.

我怀念的

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么
不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白
你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥

谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

ate way too much today.
had like maggi noodles and bubble tea for lunch. den chicken rice for dinner.
den peach tea, mushroom soup, prawn toast and nachos for supper
AND chocolate cake and pasta salad.

i hope.
its not binge eating.

but i really ate soo much.

blonde said,
ill never marry the person i love the most
cause i wont be able to take it if he had to leave me.

ill never get together with my best friend too
cause i wont be able to take it if we never talked again.
who would i go to when shit happens to me
the only person that has seen me sob out loud
tears and mucus and all.
who wld i run to.
ill die i if i lost that person.

i beg to differ.

whats the point of marrying someone you dont love not the most anyway.
maybe im too idealistic.
i want to marry the person i love the most.
i want to be with the person i love the most for forever.

love.
was never meant to be balanced you seee.
one party will always love more than the other.
one party will always give in more.
one party will always be hurt more.

i guess in most relationships
besides the love
what ppl miss most is the companionship.

i miss the most
telling someone things.
telling someone how my work went
telling someone how my day went
how nice the food i ate today was.
the good buys i got.
the things that made me sad.
the things that made me laugh
my aspirations

i miss all of those the most.
i miss telling my best friend all of that.

没那麼简单

read this on my dear li's blog.
didnt like how the song was sang.
but i love the lyrics.


没那麼简单
没那麼简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴
尤其是在 看过了那麼多的背叛
总是不安 只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那麼简单 就能去爱 别的全不看
变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心谁 也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麼容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麼容易 才会特别让人著迷

什麼都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆

-- 黄小琥 《没那么简单》

只要和你一起就够 一辈子我要做你的女孩

blogged this a while back.
the first part was a dialogue from this MTV that i like alot.
that bought me to tears.

i rem when i blogged it out back then.
i had a good sob.
and i felt better.

the power of languages.

ah.
im so geeky.
haha.

"i wrote this song its not too long
cause i've been thinking bout ya"

♥♥♥

我从来都不说不
不是因为我愿意
是因为我爱你

我从来都不生气
不是因为我没有脾气
是因为我爱你

我从来都不哭
不是因为我没有眼泪
是因为我爱你

♥♥♥

我不问
不是因为我不想知道
是因为我知道你如果面对了会伤心

我笑
不是因为我开心
是因为我知道如果我笑你会放心

我说别问
不是因为我不想让你知道
是因为我知道你懂了会担心

我不告诉你
不是因为我想欺骗你
是因为你若知道你会痛心

我让你一步一步地离我远去
不是因为我真的舍得
是因为我知道你会更开心

一辈子做你的女孩

星空下去爱 去爱
漫舞在云端 徘徊
夜晚环绕只有你我
一支舞的时间够不够

星空下相爱 相爱
我害羞期待 等待
只要和你一起就够
一辈子我要做你的女孩

看著你朝我走来 我故作无意姿态
灯火渐燃舞池中 彷佛眼中剩我

你问我是否能够 共舞一首牵我的手
融化你我在舞步中
音乐放慢拥抱著我

节奏里感觉到你心跳加快
不赶时间我们会有一整个夜晚

朋友说别太容易相信 一见钟情不值得信赖
太多破碎的心 是因感觉来的太快
我也知道太不应该 如此冲动自找伤害
千万别轻易表心态
但是无奈心跑太快

保证我你不会轻易走开
我答应你让我们拥有更多个夜晚

星空下去爱 去爱
漫舞在云端 徘徊
夜晚环绕只有你我
一支舞的时间够不够

星空下相爱 相爱
我害羞期待 等待
只要和你一起就够
一辈子我要做你的女孩

记念

想念变成一条线
在时间里面漫延
长得可以把世界切成了两个面

他在春天那一边
你的秋天刚落叶 刚落叶

如果从此不见面
让你凭记忆想念
本来这段爱情可以记得很完美

他的样子已改变
有新伴侣的气味 的气味

那一瞬间
你终於发现
那曾深爱过的人
早在告别的
那天　已消失在这个世界

也许那一次见面
是生命给你机会
了解爱只是人所渴望的投射面

只是渴望会改变
他的爱已经不见　已不见

那一瞬间
你终於发现
那曾深爱过的人
早在告别的
那天　已消失在这个世界

那一瞬间
你终於发现
心中的爱和思念
都只是属於　自己
曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过的记念

On loop.

Singalong Song

I wrote this song it's not too long
cos' I've been thinking 'bout you
I wrote this song maybe I'm wrong
To be caught up about you

Well I dont know what you think 'bout me
Maybe you think nothing at all
But maybe you could just lie to me
And we could be in love you see

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

I wrote this song it's not too long
Cos' I'm the one who loves you
I wrote this song this can't be wrong
I don't wanna smile without you

Well I just want to make you happy
but maybe you want nothing at all
and how I wish that you're meant to be
forever and a day with me

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

In everyway you mean more to me
than you'll ever know
girl I'll do my best to show these words are true
and if you'd like to make a song
and be a perfect harmony with me
I'd find the greatest words sing
so we could write our own romance

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you