who am i kidding? really?
im not okay.
really.
i guess i saw it coming.
but u never know until it hits you.
too optimistic.
always tot maybe. maybe not.
dont assume. your golden words.
my downfall.
how could you.
how the fuck could you.
i should have never ever allowed myself to fall.
never.
我恨我爱你
面带微笑离开你怀里我听天由命
最后一张王牌在手里二选一的机率
不能放纵爱你就放过自己
爱情已经过了甜蜜期多说也是无益
爱不爱我已经没关系一点小伤而已
你可以很放心我不会为了留你
假装可怜兮兮
都怪我太不争气
我恨我爱你 oh~~我爱你
只是因为你是你 oh~~我恨你
你有我看也看不清的小聪明
你有我说也说不完的坏脾气
你有我数也数不尽你的新恋情
没关系
我有你拿也拿不走的旧回忆
我可以一个人安静的忘记你
我恨你最后那一句我爱你
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Words are so powerful.
Too much said.
Too little said.
Wrong things said.
Right things said.
Hurtful things said.
Sweet things said.
Lies said.
Truths said.
Sometimes, nothing said.
Was reading bra's blog. She's damn power. she has like amazing quotes all over, like a little notebook of quotes. When i used to read them, i use to just think "aww. thats so right." now its more like "fuck, so true." accompanied with a lurch of the heart and a teardrop at the corner of my eye.
cant do her fancy reposting thing. so im just gonna credit the original post.
Too much said.
Too little said.
Wrong things said.
Right things said.
Hurtful things said.
Sweet things said.
Lies said.
Truths said.
Sometimes, nothing said.
Was reading bra's blog. She's damn power. she has like amazing quotes all over, like a little notebook of quotes. When i used to read them, i use to just think "aww. thats so right." now its more like "fuck, so true." accompanied with a lurch of the heart and a teardrop at the corner of my eye.
cant do her fancy reposting thing. so im just gonna credit the original post.
one of my absolute favourites.
and yea balls. like what she said.
If A and B love each other alot, but both believe that letting go is the best love they can give to each other. so they let go. grit their teeth and let go. believing if its meant to be, its meant to be.
Who's going to go back to whom then?
problem when you're sleepless.
like wtf?? i slept at like 5plus 6 and im wide awake at 9.
a beautiful song to share. for you chinese literate people ard.
他和她的故事
他说他很爱她
他说会守护她
他送她玫瑰花
一切美得不像话
从朋友变成情人
她不再只有自己
他爱他爱得彻底
真心溢满了甜蜜
时间看清一个人
开始令人昏沉沉
他像变了一个人太蛮横
她开始悬着疑问
不想再等他承认
不再要任何伤痕
(谁爱谁)谁又流干了眼泪
(谁后悔)难分难舍太伤悲
(他爱谁)谁应该止住眼泪
(她心碎)谁又该干脆离开
(谁爱谁)谁又能反反覆覆
(谁后悔)谁在忍受着孤独
(谁了解)他退出她孤独
(谁了解)谁退出谁孤独
爱得太盲目
谁不满足
like wtf?? i slept at like 5plus 6 and im wide awake at 9.
a beautiful song to share. for you chinese literate people ard.
他和她的故事
他说他很爱她
他说会守护她
他送她玫瑰花
一切美得不像话
从朋友变成情人
她不再只有自己
他爱他爱得彻底
真心溢满了甜蜜
时间看清一个人
开始令人昏沉沉
他像变了一个人太蛮横
她开始悬着疑问
不想再等他承认
不再要任何伤痕
(谁爱谁)谁又流干了眼泪
(谁后悔)难分难舍太伤悲
(他爱谁)谁应该止住眼泪
(她心碎)谁又该干脆离开
(谁爱谁)谁又能反反覆覆
(谁后悔)谁在忍受着孤独
(谁了解)他退出她孤独
(谁了解)谁退出谁孤独
爱得太盲目
谁不满足
yesterday was an interesting day. imagine how the sine curve will look like.
emotional rollercoaster?
lynn asked me something during work.
she asked me. what are the things now that make you sad.
draw it into a piechart. imagine them in portions. differing percentages.
i tot long and hard about it.
and replied her.
for the next hour. i stared at my answer.
and suddenly got an epiphany of some sorts.
i think ive finally figured it out.
i think.
and i came up with a resolution plan.
i hope it works. and of cos God please give me the strength. i need the strength to go through with it. i really do.
after work. i finally went for a much needed sesssion of singing my heart out.
but with the resolution in mind, i wasn't that hurting anymore.
i no longer wanted to cry my heart out.
though all the songs still speak to me.
Do songs speak to you?
if they do, what songs speak to you?
and a impromptu session.
it was good. admidst the bustle, unfamiliar languages, pumping music, weird stares, somehow one could just feel otherwise. maybe thats how you feel everyday?
2 beers later, an amusing encounter, a balloon, a downpour after.
must be the empty stomach. or just too lousy. ha.
world whirring. unsteady steps. heart pumping. body shivering, sofa.
do you feel this way too?
As i stepped out of the taxi. with the bright yellow balloon by that random stranger.
i looked at the balloon.
looked at my fingers, clutching tightly to the ribbon.
do u remember that day we went to Ken's birthday.
The joy and exhilaration i felt when i let go the bunch of pretty balloons into the sky just outside raffles city shopping centre?
one by one.
as we walked.
one by one. into the sky.
while the people passing us by gave us bemused looks.
pple started to stop and look up at the beautiful sight
admiring the pretty balloons colouring the beautiful night sky.
i let it go.
floating up to the sky.
it went higher and higher.
in my inebriated state, i could still see a little speck of it in the sky.
a little lonesome looking.
but moving still nonetheless.
we will both be okay.
Dear God,
I know he hasnt been a good boy. You can take away his Xmas presents.
But, please look after him too.
Amen
emotional rollercoaster?
lynn asked me something during work.
she asked me. what are the things now that make you sad.
draw it into a piechart. imagine them in portions. differing percentages.
i tot long and hard about it.
and replied her.
for the next hour. i stared at my answer.
and suddenly got an epiphany of some sorts.
i think ive finally figured it out.
i think.
and i came up with a resolution plan.
i hope it works. and of cos God please give me the strength. i need the strength to go through with it. i really do.
after work. i finally went for a much needed sesssion of singing my heart out.
but with the resolution in mind, i wasn't that hurting anymore.
i no longer wanted to cry my heart out.
though all the songs still speak to me.
Do songs speak to you?
if they do, what songs speak to you?
and a impromptu session.
it was good. admidst the bustle, unfamiliar languages, pumping music, weird stares, somehow one could just feel otherwise. maybe thats how you feel everyday?
2 beers later, an amusing encounter, a balloon, a downpour after.
must be the empty stomach. or just too lousy. ha.
world whirring. unsteady steps. heart pumping. body shivering, sofa.
do you feel this way too?
As i stepped out of the taxi. with the bright yellow balloon by that random stranger.
i looked at the balloon.
looked at my fingers, clutching tightly to the ribbon.
do u remember that day we went to Ken's birthday.
The joy and exhilaration i felt when i let go the bunch of pretty balloons into the sky just outside raffles city shopping centre?
one by one.
as we walked.
one by one. into the sky.
while the people passing us by gave us bemused looks.
pple started to stop and look up at the beautiful sight
admiring the pretty balloons colouring the beautiful night sky.
i let it go.
floating up to the sky.
it went higher and higher.
in my inebriated state, i could still see a little speck of it in the sky.
a little lonesome looking.
but moving still nonetheless.
we will both be okay.
Dear God,
I know he hasnt been a good boy. You can take away his Xmas presents.
But, please look after him too.
Amen
Friday, October 30, 2009
maybe. just maybe you will feel for this song.
and maybe bring you some comfort like it did for me.
CAN YOU FEEL MY WORLD
王力宏
你只喜欢我微笑
你决定我的需要
我要怎么说才好
我不是为你制造
关心像是泥沼
拉住我往下掉
爱是漂亮口号
透过你的视角
你把我的喜好
随便删掉
变成你要的调调
你为我好我知道
我都知道
我的烦恼我的骄傲
你却不明了
怎样爱你才好
毕竟黑豹需要自由奔跑
不能满足于拥抱
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
Can You Take My Hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好
你才觉得我重要
日日夜夜我闭着双眼祈祷
为什么只有我的音乐能够让我依靠
我知道我的世界已经变的越来越小
逃不掉 跑不了
怎么面带着微笑
怎么面对着你才好
怎么眼泪都在掉
怎么嘴嘟着好严肃
这不是哭着就好
怎么旋律在我脑袋
一直转一直绕
意志力 一直撑着我再一次祷告
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
Can You Take My Hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好 你才觉得我重要
and maybe bring you some comfort like it did for me.
CAN YOU FEEL MY WORLD
王力宏
你只喜欢我微笑
你决定我的需要
我要怎么说才好
我不是为你制造
关心像是泥沼
拉住我往下掉
爱是漂亮口号
透过你的视角
你把我的喜好
随便删掉
变成你要的调调
你为我好我知道
我都知道
我的烦恼我的骄傲
你却不明了
怎样爱你才好
毕竟黑豹需要自由奔跑
不能满足于拥抱
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
Can You Take My Hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好
你才觉得我重要
日日夜夜我闭着双眼祈祷
为什么只有我的音乐能够让我依靠
我知道我的世界已经变的越来越小
逃不掉 跑不了
怎么面带着微笑
怎么面对着你才好
怎么眼泪都在掉
怎么嘴嘟着好严肃
这不是哭着就好
怎么旋律在我脑袋
一直转一直绕
意志力 一直撑着我再一次祷告
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
Can You Take My Hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can You Feel My World
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好 你才觉得我重要
Thursday, October 29, 2009
i used to have a problem waking up early.
not anymore.
nowadays i wake up almost immediately at 715 when my alarm rings.
and my brain just fills with thoughts of you.
its like clockwork.
ticktockticktock.
i allow myself a cry. a cry over my broken heart. before i pick myself up at work.
why.
why did u do this to me?
do u even hurt when u did all that?
baby. all i wanted was you. and i will try my best my utmost best to make us work. i'd do anything for us.
but you no longer want us.
as i lay crying my heart out in the bathroom yesterday, i still couldnt bear to delete those messages. you were so sweet, so happy in each of them. so was i. with each message read, it was lik an invisible knife cutting open my heart.
you broke my heart into smithereens.
i dont know how to mend them.
and its scary.
because suddenly happiness seems so far out of reach.
this time.
ill never be mended.
not anymore.
nowadays i wake up almost immediately at 715 when my alarm rings.
and my brain just fills with thoughts of you.
its like clockwork.
ticktockticktock.
i allow myself a cry. a cry over my broken heart. before i pick myself up at work.
why.
why did u do this to me?
do u even hurt when u did all that?
baby. all i wanted was you. and i will try my best my utmost best to make us work. i'd do anything for us.
but you no longer want us.
as i lay crying my heart out in the bathroom yesterday, i still couldnt bear to delete those messages. you were so sweet, so happy in each of them. so was i. with each message read, it was lik an invisible knife cutting open my heart.
you broke my heart into smithereens.
i dont know how to mend them.
and its scary.
because suddenly happiness seems so far out of reach.
this time.
ill never be mended.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
my heart.
it hurts.
cries.
aches.
screams.
you never did all those with me. i never demanded all those from you. because i loved you.
in a turn of the eye. you're doing all of those.
with another person.
its only been a week today.
and you're sharing new memories with a new person.
fast for a 2 year relationship?
fast for a 2 year committed relationship?
the unfufilled promises.
the slashing of the hearts.
you used to say my tears made u cry.
they dont matter now do they.
because with every thing you do, you're slashing my heart time and time.
i let you go because i couldnt bear to see u hurt. to see u cry.
you let me go because you couldnt bear to see yourself hurt and cry.
but my tears and wounds dont matter to you anymore.
so you slash me a few more times.
knowing that i will hurt and cry.
if you didnt want to be mine, den why ask me to be yours.
when you first held my hand that fateful day. crossing the road.
do you remember what i told you?
do you remember what you told me?
now those hands protect another person.
the skeletons hidden in the closet are all tumbling out.
as i took off my clothes in the shower and sat with the water running down my face.
no tears flowed anymore.
but the heart.
it aches and cries for help.
it hurts.
cries.
aches.
screams.
you never did all those with me. i never demanded all those from you. because i loved you.
in a turn of the eye. you're doing all of those.
with another person.
its only been a week today.
and you're sharing new memories with a new person.
fast for a 2 year relationship?
fast for a 2 year committed relationship?
the unfufilled promises.
the slashing of the hearts.
you used to say my tears made u cry.
they dont matter now do they.
because with every thing you do, you're slashing my heart time and time.
i let you go because i couldnt bear to see u hurt. to see u cry.
you let me go because you couldnt bear to see yourself hurt and cry.
but my tears and wounds dont matter to you anymore.
so you slash me a few more times.
knowing that i will hurt and cry.
if you didnt want to be mine, den why ask me to be yours.
when you first held my hand that fateful day. crossing the road.
do you remember what i told you?
do you remember what you told me?
now those hands protect another person.
the skeletons hidden in the closet are all tumbling out.
as i took off my clothes in the shower and sat with the water running down my face.
no tears flowed anymore.
but the heart.
it aches and cries for help.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
when im stressed, i de clutter.
yesterday night i deleted all the messages in my phone. except for that precious folder and that 2 photos. one day i will have the guts to delete them.
i am trying my best to discard it all.
so i de-cluttered today again. threw away movie tickets for meatballs, UP. threw away receipts for stuff i bought for you. threw away ur old name cards. i have amazingly alot. i have ur firefly card, ridge card, even ying card. all into the bin.
den i saw the passport sized photo i have of you. the cute one.
the boy i fell in love with.
then there was the photo we had together. the one that you have a copy of too. the one i printed for both of us when i went to taiwan. i gave it to you with some perfume strips of my scent.
Behind the photo was a handwritten message from you. in fading blue ink.
Dear bunny, first of all I wanna say I love you veryx1000000 much. Im kinda very surprised that you came up with this. My heart misses you more. I feel very sad & happy at the same time. Thank you love for doing this, now I can smell you & look at you & smile to myself. *kiss* muuaacks! Baby, our lives may change but my heart is set on you. I believe whatever we are doing now, we are working towards a brighter future for us. I wanna have you in my arms at the end of the day, and hold you until I die. We have a long-winding road to go on. But dun give up on us. And I assure you that we will be together forever. I love you buns.
Love, Bunny.
This was the boy i fell in love with.
and i still dont have the courage to throw them away.
yesterday night i deleted all the messages in my phone. except for that precious folder and that 2 photos. one day i will have the guts to delete them.
i am trying my best to discard it all.
so i de-cluttered today again. threw away movie tickets for meatballs, UP. threw away receipts for stuff i bought for you. threw away ur old name cards. i have amazingly alot. i have ur firefly card, ridge card, even ying card. all into the bin.
den i saw the passport sized photo i have of you. the cute one.
the boy i fell in love with.
then there was the photo we had together. the one that you have a copy of too. the one i printed for both of us when i went to taiwan. i gave it to you with some perfume strips of my scent.
Behind the photo was a handwritten message from you. in fading blue ink.
Dear bunny, first of all I wanna say I love you veryx1000000 much. Im kinda very surprised that you came up with this. My heart misses you more. I feel very sad & happy at the same time. Thank you love for doing this, now I can smell you & look at you & smile to myself. *kiss* muuaacks! Baby, our lives may change but my heart is set on you. I believe whatever we are doing now, we are working towards a brighter future for us. I wanna have you in my arms at the end of the day, and hold you until I die. We have a long-winding road to go on. But dun give up on us. And I assure you that we will be together forever. I love you buns.
Love, Bunny.
This was the boy i fell in love with.
and i still dont have the courage to throw them away.
最终话
终于太阳还是升起
蒸发昨夜为你落的泪滴
终于自己能为自己
呼吸一口不为你活的
呼吸为自己而呼吸
为自己而心跳
为自己而快乐和伤心
明天会有新的剧情
会有人更爱我
会有不再委屈的命运
不再改变那些为你改变的个性
不再忍耐那些长久忍耐的心情
虽然心还疼痛地回忆最初的场景
一开始你就准备好
最后一集你抽身的干净
成全了你也就是我成全自己
最后最美丽的期许
那天你眼神泄漏孩子气
我偷偷下定给你幸福的决定
那开场白说得越真越壮丽
那最终话居然是遗憾的天地
不该继续叹息
再次深深呼吸
为自己而呼吸
为自己而心跳
为自己而快乐和伤心
明天会有新的剧情
会有人更爱我
会有不再委屈的命运
不再改变那些为你改变的个性
不再忍耐那些长久忍耐的耳语
虽然心还疼痛地感谢名单还有你
终于太阳还是升起
蒸发昨夜为你落的泪滴
终于自己能为自己
呼吸一口我不为你活的呼吸
最终话的最终场景
女孩眼中他的背影
you are not the man i loved.
the one i did will stay inside my heart forever.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
its almost 6. u should have just finished ur rehearsal me thinks. feeling tired and drained. maybe a little excited. maybe a little demoralized. chin up mr lai! ure gonna make it! its a upward slope to success. =)
prob on ur way now to grab starbucks? venti coffee frappe wo whipped cream. haha.
be happy! and have a great set. =)
prob on ur way now to grab starbucks? venti coffee frappe wo whipped cream. haha.
be happy! and have a great set. =)
so sunday came.
when i woke up, still you on my mind. instinctively ill look at my phone for the time and for messages from you.
i hope ure fine. didnt drink too much. and ur rashes are not raging again. its time to change ur bedsheets. den u'll sleep better.
i wonder hows thumper, thumpee, bolt and bunnylove. did u feed thumpee her strawberries? =) did u play with them. i hope they're doing a good job of being silly while ure stressed. well at least now they dont have to sleep on the chair. can sleep beside you. so good.
thinking of heading to work later. and maybe the bodyshop sale again! haha.
did u remember?
yesterday.
would have been
could have been
2.5 years.
掉了
心疼的玫瑰 半夜还开著
找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到现场却已来不及
等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天里飘著
回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞
怎么适合
黑色笑靥掉了
雪白眼泪掉了
该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色
结了冰的长河
回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了
主角对白掉了
该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐
断了翅的白鸽
不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌
分享过的笑声
在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认
偷偷擦去泪痕
冬天过了还是会很冷
when i woke up, still you on my mind. instinctively ill look at my phone for the time and for messages from you.
i hope ure fine. didnt drink too much. and ur rashes are not raging again. its time to change ur bedsheets. den u'll sleep better.
i wonder hows thumper, thumpee, bolt and bunnylove. did u feed thumpee her strawberries? =) did u play with them. i hope they're doing a good job of being silly while ure stressed. well at least now they dont have to sleep on the chair. can sleep beside you. so good.
thinking of heading to work later. and maybe the bodyshop sale again! haha.
did u remember?
yesterday.
would have been
could have been
2.5 years.
掉了
心疼的玫瑰 半夜还开著
找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到现场却已来不及
等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的风筝 冬天里飘著
回不去手中缠线的那个
没有蓝天 又何必去飞
怎么适合
黑色笑靥掉了
雪白眼泪掉了
该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了
瞳孔没有颜色
结了冰的长河
回忆是最可怕的敌人
故事情节掉了
主角对白掉了
该属于剧中的对脚戏也掉了
胸口没有快乐
断了翅的白鸽
不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾经唱过的歌
分享过的笑声
在心中不断拉扯
想念不能承认
偷偷擦去泪痕
冬天过了还是会很冷
i think i did well today. =)
some of it my work, some of it not mine.
i looked at the bag of clothes i carried home from your place. never wanted touch them, empty them. but today i did. and i remembered the day i put them in while tears rolled down my cheek.
i suddenly miss ur smell. both smells. ur cologne smell. and ur own scent. the scent always put me in comfort.
lynnie's waitin for joey while he plays poker. and she said she will just sit there and wait watch tv read 8days. haa. for like 4 5 hours. den i remembered me waitin for u while u jam some saturday nights. some sacrifical gfs we are. but while waiting u will always shoot me a smile, give me a kiss while i doze off. and that was all enough.
wanna share a song before i turn in today. also one of my favourite songs. lousy video though! im such a cheenapiak and lovin it!
我终于还是说了一句我爱你
还记得那个微凉夜里 天空正飘着小雨
心跳的声音 像舞动奇迹
你看着我说千万不要爱上你
因为你只会让我伤心 别傻了快点喊停
你那么冷静 忽远又忽近
我知道我对你来说也许太年轻
我想我猜我问我终于了解
原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味
只想爱你
当我和你走在一起就已经决定
不看不听不问也不会放弃
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定
只想爱你
好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你
我知道我偶尔有一点任性
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避
sorry我还是不会放弃爱你
some of it my work, some of it not mine.
i looked at the bag of clothes i carried home from your place. never wanted touch them, empty them. but today i did. and i remembered the day i put them in while tears rolled down my cheek.
i suddenly miss ur smell. both smells. ur cologne smell. and ur own scent. the scent always put me in comfort.
lynnie's waitin for joey while he plays poker. and she said she will just sit there and wait watch tv read 8days. haa. for like 4 5 hours. den i remembered me waitin for u while u jam some saturday nights. some sacrifical gfs we are. but while waiting u will always shoot me a smile, give me a kiss while i doze off. and that was all enough.
wanna share a song before i turn in today. also one of my favourite songs. lousy video though! im such a cheenapiak and lovin it!
我终于还是说了一句我爱你
还记得那个微凉夜里 天空正飘着小雨
心跳的声音 像舞动奇迹
你看着我说千万不要爱上你
因为你只会让我伤心 别傻了快点喊停
你那么冷静 忽远又忽近
我知道我对你来说也许太年轻
我想我猜我问我终于了解
原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味
只想爱你
当我和你走在一起就已经决定
不看不听不问也不会放弃
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定
只想爱你
好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你
我知道我偶尔有一点任性
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避
sorry我还是不会放弃爱你
Saturday, October 24, 2009
today i ate my first full meal! still had pukish feelings. but much better! =)
i hope whatever lynnie and yi says wont come true. they say aft not eating for soo long, u lose ur metabolism. and den aft that no matter what u eat u will grow fat =(
i dont want to grow fat! i want to be hottt! hahahaha *private joke*
anyhows. not too bad not too good.
ure still on my thoughts perpetually. slowly creeping in every other minute. i hope ure not sneezing too much! =(
watching lord of the rings on ch5. reminds me of you. you remember? u used to play this lotr game. but u kept losing! but u were so determined to conquer it. hahaha. the cleanly scrubbed legolas reminds me of you too. my cleanly scrubbed bunny.
i hope whatever lynnie and yi says wont come true. they say aft not eating for soo long, u lose ur metabolism. and den aft that no matter what u eat u will grow fat =(
i dont want to grow fat! i want to be hottt! hahahaha *private joke*
anyhows. not too bad not too good.
ure still on my thoughts perpetually. slowly creeping in every other minute. i hope ure not sneezing too much! =(
watching lord of the rings on ch5. reminds me of you. you remember? u used to play this lotr game. but u kept losing! but u were so determined to conquer it. hahaha. the cleanly scrubbed legolas reminds me of you too. my cleanly scrubbed bunny.
i saw u come online. but i was resolute not to msn u. im glad u did though. =) and if u do see this. dont think u have to stop ok! it brightens up my day.
it was nice knowing that u still care. u do right?
when u msned me. our previous convo came up too.
irony. irony.
i was msning you about her kissing another girl on that online vid. and den u told me how gross u tot it was. ha. and den u gave me a virtual kiss. muaackz. ur usual one.
miss us.
it was nice knowing that u still care. u do right?
when u msned me. our previous convo came up too.
irony. irony.
i was msning you about her kissing another girl on that online vid. and den u told me how gross u tot it was. ha. and den u gave me a virtual kiss. muaackz. ur usual one.
miss us.
my mind is in a mish mash of thoughts. but somehow i got nothing to say. its like my heart has been through highs lows all throughout the day. i no longer know what to say.
yesterday during lunch i was determined to go get something to do. so i went off to TM to buy a cross stitch. but i couldnt find it. so i went to take a walk. u are everywhere. yamaha. jean yip. 77th street. i bought myself earrings, i bought the girls some bodyshop stuff on sale (then i thought of the lipcheek stain you bought for me), den i bought a storybook, den i unwittingly started shopping for you. i bought a earring for you. i dont know whether u remember. its a shiny black cuboid. i think the one we bought last time spoilt. but we never got ard to buying it. den i remembered we never got around to bleaching all ur white clothes. i saw on a taiwan program the way to get rid of yellow stains on white shirts is to soak it in water with pills people use to wash their fake teeth. haha. if we were still together, i would immediately go buy them and try them out with u. haa.
during this period of time, i have to thank alot of people. lynn, lily, huiyi, simin and of cos (nowthaticansayitoutloud) linda. i know im incredibly irritating to talk to cause im depressed, emotional, upset, illogical, insane, schizo at this time. but all these people have all tried to talk to me. lynn talks to me the whole day on MSN while at work. but i really have to thank them, esp linda. and i thank you simon too for allowing us to become friends. she really helps me alot.
yesterday while at work i broke down again. fortunately for you i got past it. its so hard. so damn hard. den i went to meet simin and huiyi and to get the crossstitch. you are everywhere. i saw andrew and joyce. den i saw the ridge guys. u are everywhere. why are u everywhere.
why. when i msned you about the exciting job offer. i was really excited. like really super excited. but u didnt even say anything. u didnt reply. u did say antyhing. why. do u not care anymore. or did u just not see. i dont know.
when i got home, i was so tired i fell asleep on the sofa, makeup lenses and all. den i woke up remembering how i always would collapse on ur bed that way and u will force me to wake up to at least pluck out my lenses. so i woke up and plucked out my lenses and i went to bed with my makeup, just like i would in ur place. and slept for 3 hours. just like i would at ur place, i woke up again to bathe.
simon i rreallly miss you. what we were. and what we cld have been.
when i came online here to blog. i stared at the blank slate. i didnt know what to blog. i feel like i have nothing to say. den i saw my drafts. the draft i saved with all your old friendster messages. i read. and i teared. and i did it. i stopped myself from reading all of them. all of the promises and wishes that we had. we made. they are not there anymore.
simin asked me have you changed. i thought long and hard. and i told her no. if anything changed, it must have changed since i didnt trust u wholeheartedly anymore. i wonder if u remember when we first started. i totally trusted u. no doubts at all. because u told me everything. i remember how safe i felt with u. because i never had any doubts. since the april incident, somehow there was always a little thing between us. you were keeping something from me. always. and i could see that. but we always left it hanging. over time it prob ate at us. i keep it inside me. u try ur best to hide it from me. i know u try to hide it from me to not hurt me. but no it doesnt work like that.
so to me. have you changed? no. we simply allowed situations to take over us and stop allowing our love to work for us.
then huiyi asked me. do you still think that hes the one for you? i thought. and i said yes. yes everyone may say that it is a now thing cause im not over it. but i have never been so open with anyone in my life. never told someone everything i feel in my life. never crossed all barriers with someone in my life. and i did with you. because i tried v hard with you. and even if u no longer want me. i still want you. and even if i dont want u someday, i dont think i can mk myself try so hard with another person.
i have so many questions in my heart. but i cant ask you. do you still love me? do you still care for me? do you think about me? do you miss me? any part of me? do u see me everywhere like i do? if you dont love me anymore, why could u stop loving me so fast? how could you.
what if u get together with someone else. love someone else. find someone else to fill that void. my void. but urs to fill.
i dont know anymore.
i just want you.
yesterday during lunch i was determined to go get something to do. so i went off to TM to buy a cross stitch. but i couldnt find it. so i went to take a walk. u are everywhere. yamaha. jean yip. 77th street. i bought myself earrings, i bought the girls some bodyshop stuff on sale (then i thought of the lipcheek stain you bought for me), den i bought a storybook, den i unwittingly started shopping for you. i bought a earring for you. i dont know whether u remember. its a shiny black cuboid. i think the one we bought last time spoilt. but we never got ard to buying it. den i remembered we never got around to bleaching all ur white clothes. i saw on a taiwan program the way to get rid of yellow stains on white shirts is to soak it in water with pills people use to wash their fake teeth. haha. if we were still together, i would immediately go buy them and try them out with u. haa.
during this period of time, i have to thank alot of people. lynn, lily, huiyi, simin and of cos (nowthaticansayitoutloud) linda. i know im incredibly irritating to talk to cause im depressed, emotional, upset, illogical, insane, schizo at this time. but all these people have all tried to talk to me. lynn talks to me the whole day on MSN while at work. but i really have to thank them, esp linda. and i thank you simon too for allowing us to become friends. she really helps me alot.
yesterday while at work i broke down again. fortunately for you i got past it. its so hard. so damn hard. den i went to meet simin and huiyi and to get the crossstitch. you are everywhere. i saw andrew and joyce. den i saw the ridge guys. u are everywhere. why are u everywhere.
why. when i msned you about the exciting job offer. i was really excited. like really super excited. but u didnt even say anything. u didnt reply. u did say antyhing. why. do u not care anymore. or did u just not see. i dont know.
when i got home, i was so tired i fell asleep on the sofa, makeup lenses and all. den i woke up remembering how i always would collapse on ur bed that way and u will force me to wake up to at least pluck out my lenses. so i woke up and plucked out my lenses and i went to bed with my makeup, just like i would in ur place. and slept for 3 hours. just like i would at ur place, i woke up again to bathe.
simon i rreallly miss you. what we were. and what we cld have been.
when i came online here to blog. i stared at the blank slate. i didnt know what to blog. i feel like i have nothing to say. den i saw my drafts. the draft i saved with all your old friendster messages. i read. and i teared. and i did it. i stopped myself from reading all of them. all of the promises and wishes that we had. we made. they are not there anymore.
simin asked me have you changed. i thought long and hard. and i told her no. if anything changed, it must have changed since i didnt trust u wholeheartedly anymore. i wonder if u remember when we first started. i totally trusted u. no doubts at all. because u told me everything. i remember how safe i felt with u. because i never had any doubts. since the april incident, somehow there was always a little thing between us. you were keeping something from me. always. and i could see that. but we always left it hanging. over time it prob ate at us. i keep it inside me. u try ur best to hide it from me. i know u try to hide it from me to not hurt me. but no it doesnt work like that.
so to me. have you changed? no. we simply allowed situations to take over us and stop allowing our love to work for us.
then huiyi asked me. do you still think that hes the one for you? i thought. and i said yes. yes everyone may say that it is a now thing cause im not over it. but i have never been so open with anyone in my life. never told someone everything i feel in my life. never crossed all barriers with someone in my life. and i did with you. because i tried v hard with you. and even if u no longer want me. i still want you. and even if i dont want u someday, i dont think i can mk myself try so hard with another person.
i have so many questions in my heart. but i cant ask you. do you still love me? do you still care for me? do you think about me? do you miss me? any part of me? do u see me everywhere like i do? if you dont love me anymore, why could u stop loving me so fast? how could you.
what if u get together with someone else. love someone else. find someone else to fill that void. my void. but urs to fill.
i dont know anymore.
i just want you.
Friday, October 23, 2009
the nights are always the worse. thats why i never ever message u before i sleep. for fear of sounding needy. for fear of losing control. for fear of losing my pretense.
nights are when u let down ur defenses, peel down ur facades, let ur guard down.
and its when the bad thoughts start invading u.
i miss u the most at nights.
i'd always liked sleeping beside you. anywhere around you. so that when i awake, i can see you.
you could be on ur chair playing your guitar, with the loud electric music. or just surfin the net. or just checking out cool videos. when we first got together, i couldnt take it. so noisy! but as time went by, i was usually lulled to sleep with the music.
i like sleeping beside you while you insisted on playing PSP. while the lights shone beside me with over enthusiastic game sounds, i was lulled to sleep. but to my amazement, when i awake 2 hours u can still be at it. haha.
most of all, i like sleeping beside u with ur arms around me. my entire body gently nestled into yours. both arms cradling me gently. sometimes u pat me to sleep. gently. cause i told you i like it. while we slowly adjust ourselves into a comfortable position with grunts. or move away because of the heat. but later move back into position seeking the same pair of arms.
in the morning when i open my eyes. when i see you. no matter whether sitting on ur chair grinning at me like a chershire cat. for not coming to bed as promised. or smiling at me and saying "hi buns!". or chiding me for saying i have bad breath. i love them all.
the best part is when you're asleep. those fluttery lashes. peaceful face. bad breath. sweet lips. occasional jerks. weird noises. and i feel peace in my heart.
good night to you tonight. may you have a sweet restful sleep.
i love you.
nights are when u let down ur defenses, peel down ur facades, let ur guard down.
and its when the bad thoughts start invading u.
i miss u the most at nights.
i'd always liked sleeping beside you. anywhere around you. so that when i awake, i can see you.
you could be on ur chair playing your guitar, with the loud electric music. or just surfin the net. or just checking out cool videos. when we first got together, i couldnt take it. so noisy! but as time went by, i was usually lulled to sleep with the music.
i like sleeping beside you while you insisted on playing PSP. while the lights shone beside me with over enthusiastic game sounds, i was lulled to sleep. but to my amazement, when i awake 2 hours u can still be at it. haha.
most of all, i like sleeping beside u with ur arms around me. my entire body gently nestled into yours. both arms cradling me gently. sometimes u pat me to sleep. gently. cause i told you i like it. while we slowly adjust ourselves into a comfortable position with grunts. or move away because of the heat. but later move back into position seeking the same pair of arms.
in the morning when i open my eyes. when i see you. no matter whether sitting on ur chair grinning at me like a chershire cat. for not coming to bed as promised. or smiling at me and saying "hi buns!". or chiding me for saying i have bad breath. i love them all.
the best part is when you're asleep. those fluttery lashes. peaceful face. bad breath. sweet lips. occasional jerks. weird noises. and i feel peace in my heart.
good night to you tonight. may you have a sweet restful sleep.
i love you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
im better.
not super good. but much better than the past few days.
must be the endless talks with lynn, the long one with lily and that secret person
plus all the care and concern from my friends. thank you one. i truly am grateful for all the support. its been more than heartwarming to see my friends rallying around me at this time.
i thought i was well. but i think my body knows better. haha. its been acting really strange. i guess one good thing that would have come out of this would be the miraculous seemingly easy weight loss.
yesterday i ate half a chicken pie and and ice latte. and had 6 nuggets (thanks to lily!). for the whole day! that would prob be just breakfast last time. ha. today i ate the pasta salad from downstairs. and thats all. keeping me alive so far. cause lynn threatened to order delivery for me.
and im not even hungry. strange right. i used to be hungry allll the time.
how am i?
im swinging on a pendulum. sometimes im fine. sometimes im not. it takes one small lil thing for my thoughts to drive me crazy. obsessed. one little sms for my mind to go nuts. shit what did i do. should i have done that. maybe not. but how not. its insane. one little update to put me in a frenzy.
but the super long talk did work. you know who u are. i thank you for it. i may not agree/believe in some things you've said. because to me, ive really always believed. if there is love, it will work out. and i will not give it up. because like i said, u dont give up what u know is ur happiness. cause you will regret it. i only will do so if it makes you happier even at my expense.
but you, u really saved my from insanity today. and i really have to thank you for it.
whats keeping me going on?
my idealistic notions. of a possible future together.
maybe in a few mths, when you've settled ive settled. things will be better? im looking to take pilates class and other stuff. maybe just maybe den, we will be ok.
ill learn to love myself more, and so will you.
it may not be the right thing to do, but its the only thing that keeps me going.
my friends all say, maybe by den u wont want him anymore.
i wish i could believe them. but i cant.
because deep inside me i know. i wont. it scares me because even after i know everything, i have no hatred for you. not even a single ounce. its like my brain is automatically programmed to not hate you.
my last relationship (the puppylove one that took me 7 years to get over a 9mth rs). when i finally decided to let it go, i took everything he gave me and cut them into shreds. and threw them all away. even the little heart shaped necklace, now prob at the bottom of kallang river.
when will i ever bear to do that?
but one thing is definitely true, my life right now, im not in a good place. often bad. but at least u are. the thought of u smiling makes the pain seem a lil more worthwhile. i love that smile. that cute smile accompanied with the lashy eyes that i so often wanna kiss. i can see that you're happier. free-er. more at ease. seeing u happy makes me happy. it has always been that way.
if being friends for now (the awkward kind) works, ill take it. if it puts a smile back on ur face, ill take it.
for now. i still love you. and will do so for a long time to come.
not super good. but much better than the past few days.
must be the endless talks with lynn, the long one with lily and that secret person
plus all the care and concern from my friends. thank you one. i truly am grateful for all the support. its been more than heartwarming to see my friends rallying around me at this time.
i thought i was well. but i think my body knows better. haha. its been acting really strange. i guess one good thing that would have come out of this would be the miraculous seemingly easy weight loss.
yesterday i ate half a chicken pie and and ice latte. and had 6 nuggets (thanks to lily!). for the whole day! that would prob be just breakfast last time. ha. today i ate the pasta salad from downstairs. and thats all. keeping me alive so far. cause lynn threatened to order delivery for me.
and im not even hungry. strange right. i used to be hungry allll the time.
how am i?
im swinging on a pendulum. sometimes im fine. sometimes im not. it takes one small lil thing for my thoughts to drive me crazy. obsessed. one little sms for my mind to go nuts. shit what did i do. should i have done that. maybe not. but how not. its insane. one little update to put me in a frenzy.
but the super long talk did work. you know who u are. i thank you for it. i may not agree/believe in some things you've said. because to me, ive really always believed. if there is love, it will work out. and i will not give it up. because like i said, u dont give up what u know is ur happiness. cause you will regret it. i only will do so if it makes you happier even at my expense.
but you, u really saved my from insanity today. and i really have to thank you for it.
whats keeping me going on?
my idealistic notions. of a possible future together.
maybe in a few mths, when you've settled ive settled. things will be better? im looking to take pilates class and other stuff. maybe just maybe den, we will be ok.
ill learn to love myself more, and so will you.
it may not be the right thing to do, but its the only thing that keeps me going.
my friends all say, maybe by den u wont want him anymore.
i wish i could believe them. but i cant.
because deep inside me i know. i wont. it scares me because even after i know everything, i have no hatred for you. not even a single ounce. its like my brain is automatically programmed to not hate you.
my last relationship (the puppylove one that took me 7 years to get over a 9mth rs). when i finally decided to let it go, i took everything he gave me and cut them into shreds. and threw them all away. even the little heart shaped necklace, now prob at the bottom of kallang river.
when will i ever bear to do that?
but one thing is definitely true, my life right now, im not in a good place. often bad. but at least u are. the thought of u smiling makes the pain seem a lil more worthwhile. i love that smile. that cute smile accompanied with the lashy eyes that i so often wanna kiss. i can see that you're happier. free-er. more at ease. seeing u happy makes me happy. it has always been that way.
if being friends for now (the awkward kind) works, ill take it. if it puts a smile back on ur face, ill take it.
for now. i still love you. and will do so for a long time to come.
One of my favourite songs of all time. which is an exact replica of what i feel.
对不起我爱你
没别的 只想说对不起
对不起 我真的爱你
不管你会怎么想
你怎么说也不会改变我的决定
你知道 有时候感情事很难说
很难说 爱人或朋友
从前到现在我真的感觉要
一想你 我的心就发烧
想给你听我的心跳
想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想着你
搭车想着你
合眼闭眼间出现的全是你
我猜不到你的表情
我等不到你的回应
不想难为你
又不想放弃你
决定告诉你对不起 对不起 我爱你
没别的 只想说对不起
怎么样 我都会珍惜
不管你会怎么讲 你怎么做
也不会影响我的心情
你知道 有时候男孩更难捉摸
难捉摸 爱人或朋友
现在到永远我真会感觉要
一想你 我的心就狂跳
我的模样记不记得牢
情人卡有没有收到
读书想着你
听歌想着你
大地和蓝天出现的全是你
我才不管你的表情
我才不理你回不回应
不想难为你 又不想放弃你
决定告诉你
对不起 对不起 我爱你
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I don’t want to break up.
Will u give in to me just this once. Please. dont break up with me.
Just this one time.
Please.
Did u miss me last night ?
When I wake up, all I have in my mind is you. How are u. what ure doing. Shld I drop u a message. Are u taking a power nap. Hows the cough. Wonder whether he ate lunch. Maybe supper. Are u alone at df catching songs. I hope ure not cold.
Before I sleep it’s the same.
and i cant sleep anymore. i cant eat either.
need to go and meet the girls to discuss peishy's wedding. what if they see that there's something wrong with me.
What am I supposed to do.
Will u give in to me just this once. Please. dont break up with me.
Just this one time.
Please.
Did u miss me last night ?
When I wake up, all I have in my mind is you. How are u. what ure doing. Shld I drop u a message. Are u taking a power nap. Hows the cough. Wonder whether he ate lunch. Maybe supper. Are u alone at df catching songs. I hope ure not cold.
Before I sleep it’s the same.
and i cant sleep anymore. i cant eat either.
need to go and meet the girls to discuss peishy's wedding. what if they see that there's something wrong with me.
What am I supposed to do.
have u seen the messages you sent me b4?
agent bunny. missing me in sweden. cant wait to see me. prince princess. sunshine.
whos gonna cover me with a blanket when im cold. whos gonna hug me when im down. whos gonna hold me hand when im scared. whos gonna listen to me when im happy.
nobody but you ever did that.
and nobody will fill the void ever.
agent bunny. missing me in sweden. cant wait to see me. prince princess. sunshine.
whos gonna cover me with a blanket when im cold. whos gonna hug me when im down. whos gonna hold me hand when im scared. whos gonna listen to me when im happy.
nobody but you ever did that.
and nobody will fill the void ever.
i want to be that girl in the picture.
looking blissfully up at you.
the bliss in the picture in her eyes is unexplainable.
what about you.
you must be still bz at work. pushing this to the back of your mind.
but ure still unsettled. because i refuse to let you go.
i wonder whether you have someone to talk to.
i dont want your guilt. ur pangs of gratitude. you feeling that ill find someone better. you feeling that you cant give me what i want. fuck all that.
looking blissfully up at you.
the bliss in the picture in her eyes is unexplainable.
what about you.
you must be still bz at work. pushing this to the back of your mind.
but ure still unsettled. because i refuse to let you go.
i wonder whether you have someone to talk to.
i dont want your guilt. ur pangs of gratitude. you feeling that ill find someone better. you feeling that you cant give me what i want. fuck all that.
why why why am i so stupid.
i believed in you. i believed in us. my whole life was centred on us.
i really cant function at all dont you understand
i haven eaten anything much the whole day cept for the little bit of noodles i had to eat. but even after that i only felt like puking.
i dont feel like doing anything. i just want to hole up and sleep. which i did.
i dont feel like talking to any humans. but you.
why dont you believe in us.
why do you have to hurt so much. and that sucks because when u hurt so much i cant tell you how it hurts more for me.
and when u hurt so much. u hurt because u love. or u hurt because i love. why.
i dont think i can handle myself anymore. im like this crumbling piece of shit. im ready to crumble all the time. i just want to stay in one corner all by myself and sleep.
if my aunt's death took a chunk of me. you will take away 50 chunks of me.
and i dont know whats gonna be left.
why do you hurt so much. why.
i wanted to just go over to your place tonight even thou ure not coming home. to just hide under the blankie. in our memories. with bunnylove bolt thumper and thumpee. they'd understand how much i love you.
im really scared now. i dont know what our lives will be. if you leave me what am i gonna do. ill never talk to anybody again.
and what will happen to you.
what will happen to us.
from when did this us disappear from your mind. what happened to working hard for our future.
i believed in you. i believed in us. my whole life was centred on us.
i really cant function at all dont you understand
i haven eaten anything much the whole day cept for the little bit of noodles i had to eat. but even after that i only felt like puking.
i dont feel like doing anything. i just want to hole up and sleep. which i did.
i dont feel like talking to any humans. but you.
why dont you believe in us.
why do you have to hurt so much. and that sucks because when u hurt so much i cant tell you how it hurts more for me.
and when u hurt so much. u hurt because u love. or u hurt because i love. why.
i dont think i can handle myself anymore. im like this crumbling piece of shit. im ready to crumble all the time. i just want to stay in one corner all by myself and sleep.
if my aunt's death took a chunk of me. you will take away 50 chunks of me.
and i dont know whats gonna be left.
why do you hurt so much. why.
i wanted to just go over to your place tonight even thou ure not coming home. to just hide under the blankie. in our memories. with bunnylove bolt thumper and thumpee. they'd understand how much i love you.
im really scared now. i dont know what our lives will be. if you leave me what am i gonna do. ill never talk to anybody again.
and what will happen to you.
what will happen to us.
from when did this us disappear from your mind. what happened to working hard for our future.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
from you:
"the diff between couples whu always say tht they will be tog forever and us is this. they say it for the flow of the moment, for me, i say it cuz i noe.. in my heart, tht i meant it more than ever, and i see a future and i believe tht i told u tht. i believe in us."
you made me believe when i didnt. you did. and now u've turned your back on me.
"the diff between couples whu always say tht they will be tog forever and us is this. they say it for the flow of the moment, for me, i say it cuz i noe.. in my heart, tht i meant it more than ever, and i see a future and i believe tht i told u tht. i believe in us."
you made me believe when i didnt. you did. and now u've turned your back on me.
its saturday noon
and the sun is bright
usually ill be enjoying myself alright
but this saturday noon is not the same
im really feeling the pain
you said to stand with me forever
now i know its not together
i still love you the same
even though i dont know when it became
this way
if only you'd just remember
all the times we were together
the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter
maybe just maybe you will remember
you love me just like no other
and the sun is bright
usually ill be enjoying myself alright
but this saturday noon is not the same
im really feeling the pain
you said to stand with me forever
now i know its not together
i still love you the same
even though i dont know when it became
this way
if only you'd just remember
all the times we were together
the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter
maybe just maybe you will remember
you love me just like no other
was reading old friendster messages cause i was thinking what i was referring to in the earlier post. and wow. i was really amazed.
we were really really in love. the kind of love where the sky can come crashing down and we will just be standing straight at it and telling it to fuck off cause i have you and you have me. the kind of love where we will do anything and everything to love.
what happened. what the fuck happened.
we were really really in love. the kind of love where the sky can come crashing down and we will just be standing straight at it and telling it to fuck off cause i have you and you have me. the kind of love where we will do anything and everything to love.
what happened. what the fuck happened.
i seriously think im going a bit crazy. but short of running straight to him, which will totally drive him crazy, which will then drive me crazier. its like a phrase i always use, digging you own grave den jumping into it yelling "quick throw more soil on me!"
li mentioned (hi you! the only one reading). she said being idealistic would be what would keep you going. haha. so true lei. my smart ass friend. so bloody freaking true.
When we first had the quarrel during our 2 year, i tot we will come out of it stronger. i did. did you?
actually, the moment, that moment i poured my heart out to you one crazy day after we watched a movie togehter. that show cant rem what shit. the one where the guy shoots the other guy but actually its another guy. but yea i still rem that day, it was a late night show. the entire cinema was empty save for us. den we walked around, headed to kopitiam opposite SMU, sat outside and chatted the whole night. that night that night. the night i poured my heart out to you, the night i cried like crazy. that night u told me i look quite pretty with my tears brimming in my eyes. that night i might not have known it yet but i had already decided to give my whole life to you. because you were the only living thing in this world i poured my heart out to.
and if you no longer want to be that person. i dont think i can do it again.
was just looking at some nice photos. when u still had ur curly hair. ahhaha wo rebonding. when i still had short hair. we were so happy. you giving me the sad clowny face. you giving me the smiley face. scunchy face simon. bunny twitch face simon. so many.
can u remember?
li mentioned (hi you! the only one reading). she said being idealistic would be what would keep you going. haha. so true lei. my smart ass friend. so bloody freaking true.
When we first had the quarrel during our 2 year, i tot we will come out of it stronger. i did. did you?
actually, the moment, that moment i poured my heart out to you one crazy day after we watched a movie togehter. that show cant rem what shit. the one where the guy shoots the other guy but actually its another guy. but yea i still rem that day, it was a late night show. the entire cinema was empty save for us. den we walked around, headed to kopitiam opposite SMU, sat outside and chatted the whole night. that night that night. the night i poured my heart out to you, the night i cried like crazy. that night u told me i look quite pretty with my tears brimming in my eyes. that night i might not have known it yet but i had already decided to give my whole life to you. because you were the only living thing in this world i poured my heart out to.
and if you no longer want to be that person. i dont think i can do it again.
was just looking at some nice photos. when u still had ur curly hair. ahhaha wo rebonding. when i still had short hair. we were so happy. you giving me the sad clowny face. you giving me the smiley face. scunchy face simon. bunny twitch face simon. so many.
can u remember?
Dear God,
I hardly pray to you. I hardly ask you for anything. The last time i sincerely really asked you for something was about my aunt, to not take her away. But you did anyway.
I have another prayer today. and i really wish for you to make it come true.
Please let us have a solution. No im not praying for him to come back to my side (though that will be great haha). Please let us have a solution to this. I dont know how to let him go, but he doesnt want to try anymore.
Let him remember those times, let him remember that he loves me, let him remember those times we had fun. If all else fails, let me let go. Help me. cause i cant help myself. cause it hurts to see him hurt. And between us mere mortals, we canot do anything else.
God you made me fall in love, deeply crazily overwhelmingly in love. You made me giving, unselfish but all that seems to lead to my downfall. Why didnt you make me a more selfish person, then i wouldnt have fallen so deep and hard. You made me accept, made me dare to take that step out but now you're taking it all away from me. Im not that strong.
Please help me dear God. Good people are supposed to have good endings right? I'm a really good person.
I hardly pray to you. I hardly ask you for anything. The last time i sincerely really asked you for something was about my aunt, to not take her away. But you did anyway.
I have another prayer today. and i really wish for you to make it come true.
Please let us have a solution. No im not praying for him to come back to my side (though that will be great haha). Please let us have a solution to this. I dont know how to let him go, but he doesnt want to try anymore.
Let him remember those times, let him remember that he loves me, let him remember those times we had fun. If all else fails, let me let go. Help me. cause i cant help myself. cause it hurts to see him hurt. And between us mere mortals, we canot do anything else.
God you made me fall in love, deeply crazily overwhelmingly in love. You made me giving, unselfish but all that seems to lead to my downfall. Why didnt you make me a more selfish person, then i wouldnt have fallen so deep and hard. You made me accept, made me dare to take that step out but now you're taking it all away from me. Im not that strong.
Please help me dear God. Good people are supposed to have good endings right? I'm a really good person.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
i know i havent been here in a while.
its strange how people change yea. when i started typing this the font was some stupid font and i was eagerly looking for my calibri font, my fav font ever since i started work. not here anyway.
its great that prob nobody comes here anymore. this can truly be my diary. where nobody can see what i feel. nobody can judge me.
its been a long while. i was reading my old posts. i was so happy, so contented, so in love. save for the sad moments i have about my aunt.
im not happy. but i want to be happy. its really not easy for 2 people to be together. 2 people who want different things in life. 1 truly needy, 1 truly indifferent.
i want you. but i cant have you.
i try my best all the time. and im really not being noble. but i seriously do try my best. i close one eye when i see flirty messages from girls, i close one eye when i see u replying messages mysteriously evasively, i close one eye. because i take the next 15 mins to chill and tell myself to stop being so possessive. its just a girl. human being without a dick. live with it bitch. ok. and den its all right. i just need to take a chillpill and think about it.
i really tried.
everytime i feel sad. lonely. needy. i chill for 5 mins and tell myself i ahve to be strong. cant screw it up again. like i always do.
the fact is im slowly starting to feel like maybe 5 more years down the road, you will realize that you never really loved me. it was just familiarity. company. and sympathy.
any by then, it will be too late for me to get out. im already neck-deep. im trying to climb out for us. but i cant. and i try to swim neck deep.
despite the objectivity taking over me. and knowing hey its time for u to get out of it. it will def be better for him i think. i cant. i really cant. im selfish this way i think. once i get out, where do i go, what do i do.
its like being on a pendulum. swaying from one end to the other. from bliss through simple things. to scary shit. i feel like im always stuck outside the door. i always knock on the door. but when i knock on the door, ill prob step on the nails waiting on the other side and hurt like shit. but i cannot dont knock this door because i want to knock on this door, open it and let the person inside it out. it might be good to walk away from the door but i cant. and im pissed because other pple always manage to knock on this door and go in, closing the door on me, leaving me all alone. i dont mind stepping on all the nails just to get through to the person inside, but sometimes its not just nails, its nails, fire, hurricanes. and im not strong enuff for all that.
i teared today while in office. the second time i had to walk away to the toilet and cry it off. u know whats the worse thing in life u can feel. when you put in ur best, ur full entire best, maybe more then yourself but find out that actually your partner there prefers you to get lost.
and im tearing again. im actually all done with work. but i dont want to go home today. so here i am. tearing and pouring my heart out to a non living thing. and u know why? because i cant pour it out to the only living thing ive ever really poured my heart out to.
i dont know what to do about this anymore. but i cannot let go of it.
just like the passages i so often read, i can only wish that these are the times in relationships where 2 ppl are just in bad places and cant coincide.
i read some of my older posts about you and i wonder how we could be so happy then.
Thank You
for sms-ing me whether im home safe. reach office safe. anything anywhere safe. even when its damn early. for asking me to wear my jacket when im in sleeveless tops. for being so overprotective. =))for waking up earlier just so u can take the train with me to work. walk me to work while we balance the kopi-o peng and kopi-c peng with kaya toast and ham and cheese crossiant every morning.for making me laugh and smile with ur silly antics. like pretending to be a bunny twitching.for hugging me to sleep and giving me the warmth i need in the chilly aircon room.
for all the sweet messages on friendster that most guys will prob cant be bothered to type.for telling me im pretty everyday. even thou i know i look like sai sometimes.for surprising me with e pretty black hairband that i tot i lost. and was feeling upset over.for enduring my PMSy moments, insecure moments, crazy chor lor moments, violent moments, and irritable moments.for giving me numerous uncountable hugs and kisses as and when i need it.for waking up early to wake me and den plop right straight to bed.for holding my hand everytime i feel lost.for being so frank and open with me i hardly feel any distance between us.
for saying i love u everyday.
i dont know what happened in between. the distance between us is scary now. its like how maybe a lost traveller sees a oasis in a desert and thinks its just 1m away but actally its not even there. it wasnt there to begin with.
how i wish. somehow somewhat someway he willl remember those times we had. and think to himself. what happened between us too.
i really dont know how and why we came to here but i still love you. more than anything else in this world. and im still going to try to make it work. and ill do everything up till my utmost best to give you your space. even if it breaks me and takes a chunk of me everytime.
and till then, dear blogger, please allow me to pour my heart out to you.
its strange how people change yea. when i started typing this the font was some stupid font and i was eagerly looking for my calibri font, my fav font ever since i started work. not here anyway.
its great that prob nobody comes here anymore. this can truly be my diary. where nobody can see what i feel. nobody can judge me.
its been a long while. i was reading my old posts. i was so happy, so contented, so in love. save for the sad moments i have about my aunt.
im not happy. but i want to be happy. its really not easy for 2 people to be together. 2 people who want different things in life. 1 truly needy, 1 truly indifferent.
i want you. but i cant have you.
i try my best all the time. and im really not being noble. but i seriously do try my best. i close one eye when i see flirty messages from girls, i close one eye when i see u replying messages mysteriously evasively, i close one eye. because i take the next 15 mins to chill and tell myself to stop being so possessive. its just a girl. human being without a dick. live with it bitch. ok. and den its all right. i just need to take a chillpill and think about it.
i really tried.
everytime i feel sad. lonely. needy. i chill for 5 mins and tell myself i ahve to be strong. cant screw it up again. like i always do.
the fact is im slowly starting to feel like maybe 5 more years down the road, you will realize that you never really loved me. it was just familiarity. company. and sympathy.
any by then, it will be too late for me to get out. im already neck-deep. im trying to climb out for us. but i cant. and i try to swim neck deep.
despite the objectivity taking over me. and knowing hey its time for u to get out of it. it will def be better for him i think. i cant. i really cant. im selfish this way i think. once i get out, where do i go, what do i do.
its like being on a pendulum. swaying from one end to the other. from bliss through simple things. to scary shit. i feel like im always stuck outside the door. i always knock on the door. but when i knock on the door, ill prob step on the nails waiting on the other side and hurt like shit. but i cannot dont knock this door because i want to knock on this door, open it and let the person inside it out. it might be good to walk away from the door but i cant. and im pissed because other pple always manage to knock on this door and go in, closing the door on me, leaving me all alone. i dont mind stepping on all the nails just to get through to the person inside, but sometimes its not just nails, its nails, fire, hurricanes. and im not strong enuff for all that.
i teared today while in office. the second time i had to walk away to the toilet and cry it off. u know whats the worse thing in life u can feel. when you put in ur best, ur full entire best, maybe more then yourself but find out that actually your partner there prefers you to get lost.
and im tearing again. im actually all done with work. but i dont want to go home today. so here i am. tearing and pouring my heart out to a non living thing. and u know why? because i cant pour it out to the only living thing ive ever really poured my heart out to.
i dont know what to do about this anymore. but i cannot let go of it.
just like the passages i so often read, i can only wish that these are the times in relationships where 2 ppl are just in bad places and cant coincide.
i read some of my older posts about you and i wonder how we could be so happy then.
Thank You
for sms-ing me whether im home safe. reach office safe. anything anywhere safe. even when its damn early. for asking me to wear my jacket when im in sleeveless tops. for being so overprotective. =))for waking up earlier just so u can take the train with me to work. walk me to work while we balance the kopi-o peng and kopi-c peng with kaya toast and ham and cheese crossiant every morning.for making me laugh and smile with ur silly antics. like pretending to be a bunny twitching.for hugging me to sleep and giving me the warmth i need in the chilly aircon room.
for all the sweet messages on friendster that most guys will prob cant be bothered to type.for telling me im pretty everyday. even thou i know i look like sai sometimes.for surprising me with e pretty black hairband that i tot i lost. and was feeling upset over.for enduring my PMSy moments, insecure moments, crazy chor lor moments, violent moments, and irritable moments.for giving me numerous uncountable hugs and kisses as and when i need it.for waking up early to wake me and den plop right straight to bed.for holding my hand everytime i feel lost.for being so frank and open with me i hardly feel any distance between us.
for saying i love u everyday.
i dont know what happened in between. the distance between us is scary now. its like how maybe a lost traveller sees a oasis in a desert and thinks its just 1m away but actally its not even there. it wasnt there to begin with.
how i wish. somehow somewhat someway he willl remember those times we had. and think to himself. what happened between us too.
i really dont know how and why we came to here but i still love you. more than anything else in this world. and im still going to try to make it work. and ill do everything up till my utmost best to give you your space. even if it breaks me and takes a chunk of me everytime.
and till then, dear blogger, please allow me to pour my heart out to you.
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