i need a miracle.

reading sue's shing's and blondie's short emails bought tears to my eyes. thanks girls. and also thanks to all e rest who have asked and offered help. things dont look good for her. her white blood cell count is very low which means her immunity if very low. which was caused by the chemo done a week ago. this caused her previous improvement to go down to a new low. shes gonna have an incision done in her throat soon cause the tube has to be taken out before it causes permanent damage to her voicebox too. i duno why im rattling off these medical stuff like a monotonous drone. she still feels alot of pain and discomfort. every cough she takes my heart lurches for the millionth time this week. and the tear in my eye threatens to drop. nothing we do seem to make her pain any lesser. will be attending a conference with her 4 doctors on fri morning. duno what to expect. but i think nothing good.

every single time before i go down to the hospital, when im alone, theres this fear and apprehension. cause i know ill be engulfed by sadness once i get there. so theres this last min thing of not going there too early. but den again my mind keeps telling me to go. like i want to go but i dowant to go. its such a struggle every day. and maybe thats also why i understand why my little cousins dowan to go unless there are adults there. i an so disgusted by my own behaviour everysinglefuckingtime but i cant help it. its crazy. i duno how many more long nights my family can take. i know all we are feeling is nothing compared to the pain and helplessness shes feeling. i wish i cld take the pain away from her. i need a miracle to happen.


i dowan her to die.