Why Like That.

im feeling really lost today.

dont know why.

my hotmail has like 100 plus mails to clear.
i used to clear it diligently.

no matter what time i sleep i can only sleep for like 5/6 hours.
check out my eye rings balls.
how to be pretty for wedding like that.

sucks.

yesterday was an eventful day.

sorted out some friend stuff that has been on my mind since last week.
glad i got it out of my system.
and thankfully it went well.

i just realized i have such a wide spectrum of friends.

the nutty kind.
the sweet loving kind.
the nurturing kind.
the fierce kind.
the scold kind.
the make u laugh kind.

and many more.

but all i accept with open arms.
and they accept me with open arms.
Thank you God.

That convo with you.
i was tearing like mad.
luckily my table faces the wall.
i could just dab at my eyes.
i hope nobody saw.

i re read it again.
and im confused.
actually i think you're confused too.
ha.
i dont know whether its right to feel this way.
but i cant do anything about it anymore.

i appreciate your minimal efforts.
and i see them.

i blame you for alot of things.
but i dont blame you for alot of things as well.

when you were talking to me.
how were u feeling?
guilt? tortured?
let me tell you what i was feeling.
i was feeling immense pain.
but at the same time.
you were messaging her sweet nothings?

why like that?

but actually i think i can understand.
its a mind frame thing.
cause im like that too.
with friends, happy tralala.
with colleagues, happy tralala.
at home at night, no tralala.

is the same with you?
wake up. feel like shit. hate yourself.
see her. love and warmth fills your heart.
love and kisses. tralala. so sweet.
reach home. read. see.
den fall asleep shitty again.

Why like that.

sweetheart.
if you care about me.
i care about you.
you feel tortured.
i feel tortured.
you feel tortured cause you know i dont deserve this torture.
you hate yourself.

Why like that.

how did we get here?

It all started from a simple
"I have heard so much about you."

it doesnt make sense does it.

but.
it feels like.
you're not doing anything about it.
cause of one thing. (amongst the rest)
stubborness.
because you have decided.
you dont want to regret.
so you will stick thro with ur decision.
even if you have that lil regret.

i dont know whether my inferences are right.
i dont.
but its silly. and crazy.
to put yourself and myself thro torture just because of stubborness.
its insane.

but of cos theres also her in the picture.

and truthfully.
despite what everyone thinks.
even you.
i dont want you back.
i cant take you back.
i dont know how to.
because my heart is not whole anymore.

but this is not the way it should be do u see?

if 2 people break up because they have differences.
it will hurt.
but its not like that.
it really isnt.

because there's an additional thing.
her.
and with that comes an entire onslew of crap shit.

i can accept that we broke up not because of her.
i do.
its just easy to hate her.
but with her in the picture, everything becomes a freaky complicated world of shit.

now that is your fault.

all the shit.
if we were frank.
we could have worked it out.
but we didnt.
and now we cant anyway.
cause the roof has already fallen in on us.

all ur quirks, flaws, features, shittiness, sweetness, ambition, job, passion.
i loved it all.
i say this wo a nary of doubt.
i did.
in fact thats what i fell for.

thats what i signed up for.
so i already knew.

Love is just love isnt it.
Theres no reason.
No "I love you because.."
Just "I love you. Everything about you."