got awoken by the parents.
and now i cant get back to sleep.

might as well yes.
since tmr needa work.

im such a huge procrastinator.


in this new year
i have a list of resolutions
but they are split into a few categories.
some is MUST DO. some MAYBE DO. some just put for fun.

haha.


its scary.
because my emotions just swing uncontrollably.
like some unstable person.

everyone seems to have faith in me.
that ill get thro this.
ill be well.
seems like my pretenses are working too damn well.

and some days
i do feel like i can.
put everything aside.
sweep them under the carpet
and live my life smiling and laughing like humans do.

some days i dont.

its like a nightmare
where everything possbily bad can happen will happen.

it feels like a dark rain cloud is above me.
and only unhappy thoughts invade my mind.
no rainbows in sight.

but no i will not show anybody this piteous side of me.
never will i.

i just feel like being a hermit
not taking to anyone.
all the MSNs that come popping by.
no no no no.

just like everyone else.
i have always thought i was strong.
but not strong enough.


if the heart beats according to how you feel.
my heart prob used to beat really fast
with a zest for life.
with love.

now it probably beats enough just to keep the blood running.

its like a monotonous life line.



maybe im meant to lead a life of reclusion.
just with my laptop for company.