Feb 14th

today's the 14th.

and no.
its not what ure thinking of.

its been.
3 years since u left.

its the same thing every year still.
but it gets easier each year i suppose.

the family has 14 ppl now. not 15.


last year
i remember when i went to see you.
i went with a pink gerbera
and a slice of your favourite honeydew.
most importantly.
i had him by my side.

i knew i really wanted to see you.
but not with family.
i wanted to be able to stand there and talk to you.
but i had no courage to do it alone.
it was him that gave me the courage.
though he may not have known then.

i told you.
amongst many other things.
that it was because of you.
i had the courage to take that step forward
and accept him into my life.
and i wanted you to see him.
this happiness you bought into my life.
and i wanted to thank you.
and i told you.
amongst many other things.
to bless him. and bless us.

and one year ahead.
look at where we are.

and i still dont have the courage to.


as we ate steamboat today.
actually for a long time coming.
at each of our family dinners.
steamboats.
i had always envisioned how you would fit in to the whole picture.
how u may slump on one of those chairs and watch tv maybe.
how you would join us in one of our lame games.
how the conversations will flow.
how the cousins will play with you too.
how you could be a part of this family bliss that i long for you to have.
i really wanted you to have.
the hustle the bustle
the sharing of food
the squabbling
the passing of food.


Because.
That's why.


Dear Er Gu gu,

This year. if i do go and see you.
im sure ill bawl in front of you.
and that wont be good.
cause ill be with the rest.
i dont have the courage to face you.

if i dont.
know that you will always be in my heart.
and ill keep my promise.
to the best of my ability.

i still miss you.
and ill always do.