why.

wanted to go sleep cause im so tired. but before i shut my com, just has this feeling my sis might email me, so i checked and she did. amazing. and while typing the email, teared again. horrible. poor sis. she must be feeling horrible. cause shes so far away. shes even thinking of flying back, but the earliest she can is mid feb. feel so horrible.

totally gave way today infront of my aunt. thou they say dont let the patient see u cry. the past few days were just tears. today i cldnt help but start wailing infront of her a bit. after which i went to the toilet to bawl for a while. esp with my cousin beside me saying things like she cant die cause she has to see her collect her O level results, see my oldest cousin celebrate her twenty first, see my lil cousin take PSLE. and all she responded with was with shaking of her head and scribbles of words like suffer and die. and the worse thing is she can be healed at least of the bacteria for now. at least she can return to how she was. we even told her the doc said patients like her recover. at least from the bacteria. and her cancer is suppressed for now. and she shook her head. she doesnt blif anymore. she doesnt wan to live anymore. she said the doc's lying. and we are all lying. she doesnt want to blif that she will recover. and her scribbles made out the words 'everythings catered for'. maybe we shldnt have reassured her so much. that she feels tt she has no purpose anymore. it ended with my littlest cousin wailing to me that she will have no mommy wiht her to collect her PSLE. and my granny tearing and telling me that even if my aunt wants to go, my granny shld go first not her. its so terribly heartwrenching. and even if it pains me to type all this out, i feel like i have to else i have no outlet at all. not that jon chloe li yang or my friends arent helping. but its just that i feel so restrained. the tears just cant stop.

ill do anything to encourage u. even if it means telling u stuff like ur stupid daughters aare so quarrelsome and irritating. we cant handle them. yes im desperate.

God please give her the faith to at least press on for a while. i cant feel her suffering. but please alleviate it. let her pain be lesser. let her know that we all will die if she dies. the pain of her dying is much worse than anything else.

Please, anyone reading this, please keep her in ur prayers.

May she have a good nights rest with less pain. and may she wake up in e morning feeling that theres a purpose for living.

for us.