i know i havent been here in a while.

its strange how people change yea. when i started typing this the font was some stupid font and i was eagerly looking for my calibri font, my fav font ever since i started work. not here anyway.

its great that prob nobody comes here anymore. this can truly be my diary. where nobody can see what i feel. nobody can judge me.

its been a long while. i was reading my old posts. i was so happy, so contented, so in love. save for the sad moments i have about my aunt.

im not happy. but i want to be happy. its really not easy for 2 people to be together. 2 people who want different things in life. 1 truly needy, 1 truly indifferent.

i want you. but i cant have you.

i try my best all the time. and im really not being noble. but i seriously do try my best. i close one eye when i see flirty messages from girls, i close one eye when i see u replying messages mysteriously evasively, i close one eye. because i take the next 15 mins to chill and tell myself to stop being so possessive. its just a girl. human being without a dick. live with it bitch. ok. and den its all right. i just need to take a chillpill and think about it.

i really tried.

everytime i feel sad. lonely. needy. i chill for 5 mins and tell myself i ahve to be strong. cant screw it up again. like i always do.

the fact is im slowly starting to feel like maybe 5 more years down the road, you will realize that you never really loved me. it was just familiarity. company. and sympathy.

any by then, it will be too late for me to get out. im already neck-deep. im trying to climb out for us. but i cant. and i try to swim neck deep.

despite the objectivity taking over me. and knowing hey its time for u to get out of it. it will def be better for him i think. i cant. i really cant. im selfish this way i think. once i get out, where do i go, what do i do.

its like being on a pendulum. swaying from one end to the other. from bliss through simple things. to scary shit. i feel like im always stuck outside the door. i always knock on the door. but when i knock on the door, ill prob step on the nails waiting on the other side and hurt like shit. but i cannot dont knock this door because i want to knock on this door, open it and let the person inside it out. it might be good to walk away from the door but i cant. and im pissed because other pple always manage to knock on this door and go in, closing the door on me, leaving me all alone. i dont mind stepping on all the nails just to get through to the person inside, but sometimes its not just nails, its nails, fire, hurricanes. and im not strong enuff for all that.

i teared today while in office. the second time i had to walk away to the toilet and cry it off. u know whats the worse thing in life u can feel. when you put in ur best, ur full entire best, maybe more then yourself but find out that actually your partner there prefers you to get lost.

and im tearing again. im actually all done with work. but i dont want to go home today. so here i am. tearing and pouring my heart out to a non living thing. and u know why? because i cant pour it out to the only living thing ive ever really poured my heart out to.

i dont know what to do about this anymore. but i cannot let go of it.

just like the passages i so often read, i can only wish that these are the times in relationships where 2 ppl are just in bad places and cant coincide.

i read some of my older posts about you and i wonder how we could be so happy then.



Thank You
for sms-ing me whether im home safe. reach office safe. anything anywhere safe. even when its damn early. for asking me to wear my jacket when im in sleeveless tops. for being so overprotective. =))for waking up earlier just so u can take the train with me to work. walk me to work while we balance the kopi-o peng and kopi-c peng with kaya toast and ham and cheese crossiant every morning.for making me laugh and smile with ur silly antics. like pretending to be a bunny twitching.for hugging me to sleep and giving me the warmth i need in the chilly aircon room.
for all the sweet messages on friendster that most guys will prob cant be bothered to type.for telling me im pretty everyday. even thou i know i look like sai sometimes.for surprising me with e pretty black hairband that i tot i lost. and was feeling upset over.for enduring my PMSy moments, insecure moments, crazy chor lor moments, violent moments, and irritable moments.for giving me numerous uncountable hugs and kisses as and when i need it.for waking up early to wake me and den plop right straight to bed.for holding my hand everytime i feel lost.for being so frank and open with me i hardly feel any distance between us.
for saying i love u everyday.



i dont know what happened in between. the distance between us is scary now. its like how maybe a lost traveller sees a oasis in a desert and thinks its just 1m away but actally its not even there. it wasnt there to begin with.

how i wish. somehow somewhat someway he willl remember those times we had. and think to himself. what happened between us too.

i really dont know how and why we came to here but i still love you. more than anything else in this world. and im still going to try to make it work. and ill do everything up till my utmost best to give you your space. even if it breaks me and takes a chunk of me everytime.

and till then, dear blogger, please allow me to pour my heart out to you.