im better.

not super good. but much better than the past few days.

must be the endless talks with lynn, the long one with lily and that secret person

plus all the care and concern from my friends. thank you one. i truly am grateful for all the support. its been more than heartwarming to see my friends rallying around me at this time.


i thought i was well. but i think my body knows better. haha. its been acting really strange. i guess one good thing that would have come out of this would be the miraculous seemingly easy weight loss.

yesterday i ate half a chicken pie and and ice latte. and had 6 nuggets (thanks to lily!). for the whole day! that would prob be just breakfast last time. ha. today i ate the pasta salad from downstairs. and thats all. keeping me alive so far. cause lynn threatened to order delivery for me.

and im not even hungry. strange right. i used to be hungry allll the time.



how am i?

im swinging on a pendulum. sometimes im fine. sometimes im not. it takes one small lil thing for my thoughts to drive me crazy. obsessed. one little sms for my mind to go nuts. shit what did i do. should i have done that. maybe not. but how not. its insane. one little update to put me in a frenzy.

but the super long talk did work. you know who u are. i thank you for it. i may not agree/believe in some things you've said. because to me, ive really always believed. if there is love, it will work out. and i will not give it up. because like i said, u dont give up what u know is ur happiness. cause you will regret it. i only will do so if it makes you happier even at my expense.

but you, u really saved my from insanity today. and i really have to thank you for it.


whats keeping me going on?

my idealistic notions. of a possible future together.

maybe in a few mths, when you've settled ive settled. things will be better? im looking to take pilates class and other stuff. maybe just maybe den, we will be ok.

ill learn to love myself more, and so will you.

it may not be the right thing to do, but its the only thing that keeps me going.

my friends all say, maybe by den u wont want him anymore.

i wish i could believe them. but i cant.

because deep inside me i know. i wont. it scares me because even after i know everything, i have no hatred for you. not even a single ounce. its like my brain is automatically programmed to not hate you.

my last relationship (the puppylove one that took me 7 years to get over a 9mth rs). when i finally decided to let it go, i took everything he gave me and cut them into shreds. and threw them all away. even the little heart shaped necklace, now prob at the bottom of kallang river.

when will i ever bear to do that?

but one thing is definitely true, my life right now, im not in a good place. often bad. but at least u are. the thought of u smiling makes the pain seem a lil more worthwhile. i love that smile. that cute smile accompanied with the lashy eyes that i so often wanna kiss. i can see that you're happier. free-er. more at ease. seeing u happy makes me happy. it has always been that way.

if being friends for now (the awkward kind) works, ill take it. if it puts a smile back on ur face, ill take it.


for now. i still love you. and will do so for a long time to come.