my mind is in a mish mash of thoughts. but somehow i got nothing to say. its like my heart has been through highs lows all throughout the day. i no longer know what to say.

yesterday during lunch i was determined to go get something to do. so i went off to TM to buy a cross stitch. but i couldnt find it. so i went to take a walk. u are everywhere. yamaha. jean yip. 77th street. i bought myself earrings, i bought the girls some bodyshop stuff on sale (then i thought of the lipcheek stain you bought for me), den i bought a storybook, den i unwittingly started shopping for you. i bought a earring for you. i dont know whether u remember. its a shiny black cuboid. i think the one we bought last time spoilt. but we never got ard to buying it. den i remembered we never got around to bleaching all ur white clothes. i saw on a taiwan program the way to get rid of yellow stains on white shirts is to soak it in water with pills people use to wash their fake teeth. haha. if we were still together, i would immediately go buy them and try them out with u. haa.

during this period of time, i have to thank alot of people. lynn, lily, huiyi, simin and of cos (nowthaticansayitoutloud) linda. i know im incredibly irritating to talk to cause im depressed, emotional, upset, illogical, insane, schizo at this time. but all these people have all tried to talk to me. lynn talks to me the whole day on MSN while at work. but i really have to thank them, esp linda. and i thank you simon too for allowing us to become friends. she really helps me alot.

yesterday while at work i broke down again. fortunately for you i got past it. its so hard. so damn hard. den i went to meet simin and huiyi and to get the crossstitch. you are everywhere. i saw andrew and joyce. den i saw the ridge guys. u are everywhere. why are u everywhere.

why. when i msned you about the exciting job offer. i was really excited. like really super excited. but u didnt even say anything. u didnt reply. u did say antyhing. why. do u not care anymore. or did u just not see. i dont know.

when i got home, i was so tired i fell asleep on the sofa, makeup lenses and all. den i woke up remembering how i always would collapse on ur bed that way and u will force me to wake up to at least pluck out my lenses. so i woke up and plucked out my lenses and i went to bed with my makeup, just like i would in ur place. and slept for 3 hours. just like i would at ur place, i woke up again to bathe.

simon i rreallly miss you. what we were. and what we cld have been.

when i came online here to blog. i stared at the blank slate. i didnt know what to blog. i feel like i have nothing to say. den i saw my drafts. the draft i saved with all your old friendster messages. i read. and i teared. and i did it. i stopped myself from reading all of them. all of the promises and wishes that we had. we made. they are not there anymore.

simin asked me have you changed. i thought long and hard. and i told her no. if anything changed, it must have changed since i didnt trust u wholeheartedly anymore. i wonder if u remember when we first started. i totally trusted u. no doubts at all. because u told me everything. i remember how safe i felt with u. because i never had any doubts. since the april incident, somehow there was always a little thing between us. you were keeping something from me. always. and i could see that. but we always left it hanging. over time it prob ate at us. i keep it inside me. u try ur best to hide it from me. i know u try to hide it from me to not hurt me. but no it doesnt work like that.

so to me. have you changed? no. we simply allowed situations to take over us and stop allowing our love to work for us.

then huiyi asked me. do you still think that hes the one for you? i thought. and i said yes. yes everyone may say that it is a now thing cause im not over it. but i have never been so open with anyone in my life. never told someone everything i feel in my life. never crossed all barriers with someone in my life. and i did with you. because i tried v hard with you. and even if u no longer want me. i still want you. and even if i dont want u someday, i dont think i can mk myself try so hard with another person.

i have so many questions in my heart. but i cant ask you. do you still love me? do you still care for me? do you think about me? do you miss me? any part of me? do u see me everywhere like i do? if you dont love me anymore, why could u stop loving me so fast? how could you.

what if u get together with someone else. love someone else. find someone else to fill that void. my void. but urs to fill.

i dont know anymore.

i just want you.