Its scary when you can actually literally count what u ate.
have been resorting to lying that i ate so that ppl stop asking me to eat, or why i dont eat.

and to ppl who know me.
thats scary shite.
scary scary shite.

cause im almost snacking every other minute.

my hunger patterns are a good indication of my mood. direct reflection. kinda like a graph. its kinda insightful.


its strange.
cause when my aunt died.
i kept desperately grasping at the memories i have of her.
cause i was afraid ill forget her.

and with you gone.
i find myself doing the same.
isnt that weird
isnt it supposed to be the other way round?
like im supposed to force myself to forget so i dont feel the pain.

i find myself grasping at the memories.
the habits i have come to have for this 2 years.
i refuse to let them go.
i fear forgetting the lil things
i fear that some day ill forget.
but its not supposed to be like that.

but then i remembered
because for my heart.
you died.


and tonight is gonna be another sleepless night.

but i'm actually very scared.
cause when i open my eyes the first thing in the morning.
all i can think of is you.

and ill realize that shit just happened.

and no matter how hard i prep my heart for it.
its not going to be able to take it.