Saturday morning.
its not raining.
but the melancholy sticks around.

i had a great day with myself.
retail therapy works wonders! ha.
as i walked around bugis.
i walked to the place that sold the $25 jeans.
as i looked for the white pair u liked.
i suddenly realized.
so what if there was the white pair?
stupid stupid me.
stupid.

you see.
you said it was the pressure. the stress.
that a girlfriend gives.
me.
if truly so, den why look for another one so soon?
and build a future with one more?
isnt that ironic?
you said you gave me far more than you gave her.
but you dont understand.
its not even the fucking same.
we're not even on the same fucking scale.

i was someone who gave you everything.
i was someone who believed in forever with you.
how could you even measure us like that?
its was such an insult.
a slap on the face.
its very scary.
cause it makes me feel like the past 2 years
was a lie.
its so so scary.

if you said you were truly sorry.
den why did u do the things you do.
if you were truly sorry, i.e you would do all you can to lessen the pain
but you didnt.
you just did what you wanted.
and hoped that that was enough.
out of sight out of mind.
i need my life
i need my happiness.
i think she will be fine la.
she will find a way out herself.

u're right.
im not ready to move on.
i dont know how u did.
its amazing.
and scary.
in a snap of the fingers.

im not angry, angsty.
im actually nice and calm.
its just i have no idea why.
totally no effing idea.
are humans all like that?
am i the only one thats different?

a friend who just broke up yesterday told me.
his gf got attached to a guy soon after they broke up.
and now this girl and the new guy have problems.
and she confided in him.
and she asked him, "if i break up with the new guy, do you think we still have a chance?"
i was so angry when i heard it
so so so angry
what a slut.
but then he said "i realized my answer is still yes."
and then i paused.
i realized somehow somewhat.
maybe in different permutations.
maybe in different ways.
but my answer was the same as his.

thats insane isnt it?

To love someone that caused you so much pain so crazily and unconditionally.
that you will take him back in a heartbeat.
its insane.
it should be some genome error.
humans should not be allowed to do something as detrimental as that

Something i read today:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only Light can.
Hate cannot drive out hate. Only Love can.
Hate is easy.
Love takes courage.

i seriously need to be less brave.
and remind myself that taking the easy way out is better.
cause being brave.
is too painful.