i stared at it.
and wondered.

how have things changed?

are my darlings still there?
oh dear they haven't had a bath in ages.

what about the bottle with the tickets of memories?

and of course many more.



but ah. its okay.

dinner with e scorpions was v reflective.
while they "YAHeddd" at each other.
i went like "BUTTTT"

reflective.



for any of you that are interested!
im eating well again.
at least MUCHH better then way before.

maybe den my jeans will stop falling off!



Retail therapy works wonders.
spent quite a bit today at ALDO and Watsons.
how i loved shoppin at Watsons with you.

u know
i didnt really shop alot
cause i wanted to save my pennies for that special dinner, that special day, that special gift, that special holiday.



im okay! just needed a break from work.
and my ever active processing brain.

wondering too much.
thinking too much.
you said ask. and ask i did.



its Friday tomorrow.

避风塘

was procrastinating like mad for the past 2 weeks
because i was in the dumps
now work's piling up like mount everest.
thank God im quite efficient when i want to be.

when times get tough like right now
i wish you were here.
to dispense a hug.
Did you know?
Hugs chase away all weariness.

no matter how bad things got in the past
all i needed was a hug
a pat on the head
a sweet endearment
and i felt rejuvenated all over again.
to strive on.

i always hoped to be that too.
to be the sunshine
to light up your darkest hours.
the sparkle in ur life.
the reason in the midst of chaos.


but i may not have been.


Today's
the 100th day.

There's no significance in the number 100.

but somehow i remember.

but this 100th day.
i feel ok. really quite ok.
ate alot today(comparatively). ABC soup, chocolates, fishnchips, nuggets.
For whatever reasons. good or bad. im not sure myself.

Saggis are known to think.
to write. to be wise. to be philosophical. thoughtful. logical.
think im just in one of those moods.


Am still waiting on the other side of the rainbow.

Today while chatting with one of my colleagues
horoscopes came up

one of them was like a horoscope fanatic
she knew the characteristics of each horoscope like the back of her hand
who they cant get along well with and etc.

and she turned to me and asked

"What are you?"
"I'm Saggi!"
"Oh! no wonder we get along well! You shld go find a Aries boyfriend ok!"

and then i gave her a stunned look.
and smiled. ok. clueless colleague. haha.
and asked her,

"why lei? aries not the only fire sign what! i know its fire fire right den good match."
"no lor! u just go google if you want, like the best match. aries and saggi ah. super good one."

and then she went onnn and onnn. like how aries are natural leaders, dominating ppl which will piss the shit out of the other pple. but saggis are like adaptable, amiable ppl that will just fit well with them. Both signs will have lots of adventure and excitement together because they both love happening spontaneous lives.

and she went on...

true?

bah. horoscopes.


craving for starbucks.
ikea.
and a movie.

okbacktowork.
bye.

if you had five minutes left...

tired.
have a mountain of work to conquer.

need a break
some chillax
and some laughs

a hug wont harm too.



packing posters.
i realized
wow
i watched most of them.

every poster my colleague picked out
i was like
"oh i watched that."
"oh i slept through that."
"oh man, that was a lame show."

madness.
so many.

u know.
i never watched movies much.
thought it was an anti social activity
that was way too expensive.

and see! where am i now.
a movie fanatic.
and YOU are to blame.

hahaha.



a friend commented today.

it takes alot to understand and make out the conclusions you have come up with.
the resolutions you have decided to follow through.
but it takes more to carry them through.

do i have the courage to?

i think i do.
with a little help.


Dear God,

Today, amongst all the other pple you're helping through.
Help me too.
i know you're always around, casting a watchful eye on me, guiding me.
but today. can i just be a little selfish and ask you for one wish?

i miss home.

while watching xing guang
many songs caught my heart
made me stop, pause, listen

lyrics are v impt to a song.
not just the words chosen
the pauses in between

the intricacies of the song
allow you to imagine an exact scenario
just by listening to a song

in ur mind
you can prob see the people
their clothes
the lone road
monochrome, colour
the drizzling rain
the tear at the corner of the eye
the smile
the huge sobs
the hugs
the stolen glances
the linked hands

this song struck a chord in me.

i am home.
but i guess where i miss
and where i want to go
is another home.
a home. where my heart was filled.
where my smiles were aplenty.

Betcha didnt know.
its been.
100 days.

想家

为什么一定要长大
为什么世界变得好复杂
我不想独自面对眼泪流下
我只想紧紧抱着他

为什么一定要长大
为什么都不说出真心话
我不想别人看穿我的倔强
我真的好想要回家

我真的好想要回家



i know i sound melancholic
but im okay. really.
i guess.
i just miss home.

when i say..

oooo..i like.

Wistful thoughts on a Sunday evening

it was nice.
to really laugh.
and enjoy the company like friends do.

i realized it was really strange calling out to you.

cause i never really called you by ur name much.
thats why its really strange and weird calling u by name.
weird awkward.

today's the 24th.
there's a sense of wistfulness.
but its okay!
these dates. are mere numbers.
mere days.

love.
does not go around mere numbers.

i worry.
i fear.

but really
i shouldnt.

i will just love.

♥♥♥

theres so many things i shld do.
check out my laptop warranty, register for my driving basic, and a million other things.
amongst that, i would like to check out the bodyworlds exhibition and a million other movies.
get a magharita, a starbucks to drink.

♥♥♥

yesterday
my little cousin cried

while everyone was helping out with her homework
(she just started sec sch)
when she told my aunt to help her draw something
i blurted out
dont help her. dont always help her. let her try and do herself first.
because i wanted her to learn to be independent.

and she cried.

maybe it was her mom.
if my aunt was ard.
she would have helped her.

and i felt like crying too.

im sorry.
really am.

i dont know if it was me.
but still i am.

as she teared.
her dad came by and asked why
and he looked at her cry.

and i realized
his heart must have been breaking for his lil daughter too.

being a traditional chinese family
we never spoke openly about moving on with her
we never did
and as her death anniversary looms near
we are all reminded of that fateful day
we lost one of our loved ones.

Dear God, Dear Ergugu

im sorry
i didnt do a good job
i promise to try harder
i promise to bring her to swensens like i promised
i promise ill bring them prawning the next chance i have

and i promise to keep my promise to you

Please look after her
and the rest of them.
they know they have us.
but i know sometimes thats just not enough.

give them warmth, comfort and peace.

Thank You.

My Heart.

this sat afternoon
i woke up with a splitting headache
all i had was a daiquiri!
which was delish!

love mojitos, daiquiris and magharitas!

last saturday
i may have woken up
depressed
mopey

but this saturday
its all good

no things have not changed.
but maybe i have changed.
no i have not changed.
but something's changed.

some things in life.
you cant change.
esp matters of your heart.
who you love.
who you cant love.

so deal with your love.

cause seriously
just as blonde bluntly put it.
how bad can it get.
if she were to plot the entire happenings on a timeline.
it really cant get any worse.
u have gone thro every single kind of BS possible.
and though shes glad i did.
she has no idea how i wake up in the mornings and go thro the happenings of life.
but if i could
and i did.
the only way's up!!!

frankly
i have no idea how long these feelings of peace will last.
but for as long as they do.
ill enjoy each min of it.

i have lost so much weight my jeans no longer fit me well.
that sucks!

mich wrote this phrase yest
"my eyes might not always be set on u, but my heart will always be"
beautiful. brilliant.
a tinge of tragic-ness though.
i hope i never have to move there. but who knows?
the eyes part. the heart part.
lets take it a step at a time yea.

i do wish still.
esp on lonely nights.
friday nights. saturday nights. sundays.
that i had you by my side.

i do wish still.
that things will work out between us.
in a twinkling of the eye.

but i do know you too.
ur space. ur time.
you can have them all.
and i hope you smile at the end of it all.
and come back for me
at the end of the rainbow.

ill be good.

Dear God,
Thank You.

balance

as i was chatting with li yest
i told her

actually hor i shld have accumulated alot of karma
i donate money to charities when i see worthy ones
i buy tissue from those old women (only worthy ones! not from young pple. den again i buy them a little too often. im like their main customer.)
so often that my bag has like 5 packs of tissue

why like that ah.

she said
you also bitch about ppl
gossip
say mean things about pple (only bout ppl i dont like!)
say vulgarities a bit too much
broke hearts (unwittingly!)

plus minus
balance already lor!

oh man.
fml.

小手拉大手

this song makes me bounce like a little imp
side to side
up and down

*bounce bounce*

makes me feel like running towards the great sunshine
where rainbows are at the side
wind blowing in my hair
on the lush green turf!

ill be in jeans
a white tee
and a flower in my hair

我們小手拉大手　今天加油　向昨天揮揮手

play it!

Stranded

搁浅

久未放晴的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过 却无法掩埋歉疚

风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线 复习你给的温柔

暴晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎么会 怎么会 你竟原谅了我

我只能永远读着对白
读着我给你的伤害
我原谅不了我
就请你当作我已不在

我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖
我很快就离开

最熟悉的陌生人

就是这样 对 这样
看着你走

like an auctioneer
going once. going twice. gone.

there's absolutely no point.
but it gives me peace. weird sort of peace.



i suppose
i really should leave things up to God.

What's meant to be
will be.



The gaping hole in the heart?
Nah. its cool.
I'll fill it up.



吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

吃不能吃 睡不能睡

Go. Run. Hide.

The pouring rain.

its been a while since i got caught in the pouring rain.

as my shoes got wet, my leggings got soaked.
i felt this urge to just dance in the rain with reckless abandon.
a devil may care attitude.
fuck you if you think im weird.
fuck off.

but i didnt.

i felt this sudden want to just huddle myself in a corner
and
crying.

with the rain falling.

i wanted to be saved.


a colleague who found out i had broken up just yesterday said,
i couldnt tell at all. no wonder you lost so much weight. you're damn strong.
i said.
no im not.
she said.
but this 3 mths. all i see is you looking prettier. laughing louder. smiling more. i really couldnt tell. you are so strong.
i laughed it off. and told her im much better now.

what i didnt say was,
Its easier when you have to put up a front. like there's a reason for you to put up a front. so you dont allow urself to crumble. u live behind this front you put up. this front with nice clothes, nice hair, makeup and lots of laughter.

and somehow inside
you hope to believe that this front may actually be true.
and the broken up you will just disappear.

Karma

just had the funniest convo ever with a JC senior, Dodz.

im glad my blog is kinda private. haha. so i can blog about it!

Dodz was one of the ppl i met on a regular basis for weekly secret rendezvous back in JC.
we would meet once a week, same time, at a secret place.

the council room!

cause we had free periods. i didnt need to take chn cause i did decently for higher chinese in Os. haha. and we always slacked in the council room to nap. hahaha.

we had a strange sort of friendship. and we talked bout all sorts of crap. about his life, my life, results, crushes. but everything we spoke about stayed within the 4 walls. it started off as occasional den it became eh lets meet to bitch. we had a steady sort of friendship.

his best friend back then, as most of my jc buds would know, was GA. who was my orientation facilitator. whom i had a lil crush on during first 3 mths. we had a lil thing going on. i tot i liked him! i really did. he was a sweet boy. i remembered he even noticed i changed my ear studs. how amazing is that. i tot he would be the second bf after ivan. until the day i got my Olevel results. when i was happy. when i received messages at the same time from him and my ex bf, ivan (whom im friends with now!). i realized i didnt give two hoots about GA. it was always ivan.

so i ended if off with GA.

and broke his heart.
i dint think i broke it that much.
but apparently i did.

which reminds me now.
i think im getting karma now for breaking his heart. =(

i knew for a while he was still into me.
cause i joined council after.
and all e council seniors seemed to know me by name.

but hey it was only 3 mths!
and we didnt even go on any date i think!
it was lots of OG outings and smses only!

so i din think the crush lasted.
we didnt talk much anyway after their council stepped down.

and..

i just found out that.
he had a major crush one me all throughout.
"stalkerish" as put by dodz.

GA didnt talk to dodz for almost 1 yr.
cause he tot dodz was interested in me.
and they were best friends! same class! sit side by side sort!
OH MAN. total madness
i would never fall for an indian dude. hahaha.

and that there was one time in uni.
i bumped into dodz and GA aft class one day.
its was dodz first year in smu. GA was in nus.
i dont recall this at all until dodz told me.
but..
GA found out frm Dodz i was in smu
and they planned to bump into me
and waited at the biz block for me.
oh man. and i rem GA saying (as Dodz kindly reminded me),
You have grown fatter.
WTF.
hahaa.
cheebye.

den Dodz realized
oh man
GA's still bitter.

oh man.

all that info is all so amazing.

and despite the hilarity of it all.
im sorry i broke GA's heart.
really quite sorry.
though i dont really know how it all happened.

hes a nice decent boy.
i do hope hes happy now.

which is why im getting karma now.

bah.

same for G.
who's such a good friend and guy.
who's such a gentleman. helping me put earthworms as bait. plucking the prawns out for me. and i almost murdered him by flailing the prawns in his face.

who Gordon and Mich mercilessly remind me all the time of how when he got thrown into the pool during a class party. he didnt care about his wet phone, wet whatever but was frantically laying out this small piece of paper to dry on the bbq pit. and of cos Gordon had to go kaypoh and see.

it was one of those messages i had written out to all my council mates. like "study hard! good luck for exams!" that sort. i wrote alot of those msges to my council mates back in JC. all the time. it was nothing to me. but alot to him.

i never even gave G a chance.

so Dear G, im sorry i broke ur heart. in a little way.
i hope you find a nice girlfriend deserving of you! cause ure a good boy!
and im sure you will.

i always thought i was a nice person.
but after tonights convo with Dodz.

i dont think so anymore.

never thought i was the heartbreaker.



Guess that's why Karma is biting me back in my ass.

sigh.

Statistics

how many people in this world actually find the person?

we would never know would we.
no statistics.


how many people are married to people they think was the one person?

we never know would we.
cause ppl will never be honest.


how many ppl can truthfully say they have loved. with their whole being.

we would never know would we.
cause some ppl may never truly know what love is.


how many people actually have the courage to fight for that one person that you knew was the one? against everything? yes everything.

we would never know would we.
cause most dont.
the ones who do. may not have survived.


ill be that statistic.

其实爱情真的或许就是这样
是没有分是非对错的

是你错了吗
是

是我错了吗
是

所以呢
然后呢

就各自的伤心
落泪
然后倔强的

的确很复杂
但是是我们让一切变得复杂
是你
也是我

很多很多
太多

其实也没有很刻意的逼自己去遗忘
真是太珍贵了
舍不得

回忆逝去的笑容
回忆着一起分享的笑话
回忆着十指紧扣的双手
回忆着看过的电影
吃过的 喝过的
回忆着曾经有过的梦想
回忆着将来
回忆着勾勾手指对彼此的承诺

回忆着你大笑的样子 沉思的样子 担心的样子 生气地样子 装可爱的样子
回忆着你俏皮的脸庞
回忆着你在额头上轻轻的一个吻
回忆着在你鼻头上轻轻的一个吻
回忆着你熟睡的模样
回忆着睡觉时有一双手绕着你 保护你
回忆着有人轻轻的帮你把枕头移好 然后盖上被子
回忆着握着你的大拇指

太多太多

全都好清晰

越是清晰
越是令人想念
心酸酸的

或许就像那首歌曲

记忆有限
所以才会淘汰坏的

好想你
真的好想你

i like flowers.

not the huge lavish bouquets.
those are too much.

not the small cute ones.
those remind me of weddings.

i like small bunches

most of all
i like singular stalks of roses.

no other sidekicks surrounding it
no plastic wrapping it.

maybe a singular ribbon.

simple and nice.


guess that says alot about me.